Saturday, August 30, 2014

What it's like to go to a comedy club with the four most annoying girls ever


I don't really know what that means, but I'm sure people will take a chance to boast about America on Facebook and I'll be annoyed.

The week was hard because of deadlines (not really) and I just wanted to sit back and laugh at something that wasn't Teen Mom 2.

Augusta really wanted to meet Cayla, (she thinks she's funny and I'm like ok) so I planned a meet-up/blind date. The Dallas Comedy House is perfect, I thought. Nothing brings people together like laughter.

Cayla and I arrive at the comedy house first and plop ourselves down at the bar. We begin flirting. Or trying to. Cayla makes me buy her drink because she once shared my blog on her Facebook and thinks that means I owe her a drink.


She orders a $74 drink.

It's ok. She shared my blog. It's cool.

She tells the bartender about my blog. He looks it up on his phone. He begins reading it.

It's fine. Plenty of people read my words all the time. I think I don't know do y'all is anyone there. Except he's reading it right in front of me and I'm uncomfortable.

"Oh, can you like not read it right here in front of me. It's weird and this is..."

He interrupts me to compliment my Taylor Swift dress.

I'm incapable of not talking about it.

Ok, this guy knows what he's talking about, so I'll let him continue reading.

Cayla then insults him by asking him something about comedy. I don't really know because I wasn't paying attention. I think I was daydreaming about my Taylor Swift dress.

I come into the conversation when he tells us he's a comedian. Or trying to be. He takes improv classes.

"Oh, then be funny." -Cayla

"I was just being funny." -bartender

Ok, ok, ok. This isn't a big deal. All we did was piss off the man handling our drinks. Let's change the subject. Hurry, hurry, anything.

Where are you from, we ask. He tells us West Texas.

RAIDER POWER. Cayla and I are really excited. We know everything about West Texas. We are West Texas.

"Yeah, I'm from Wink, Texas." -bartender

Oh. Ok, we don't know that town, but I'm sure it's lovely.

Augusta and Slack arrive. Ok, thank God. I think the bartender hates us. Let's move along.

The first comedy troupe/act/people start and I'm not going to say they're unfunny because that's rude and I know how much that can hurt. But it just wasn't my style. But Augusta is laughing really hard.

Everyone is looking at us. She tells us wine was involved in her dinner.

The first act finally ends and I'm relieved. Augusta calms down.

"Paige, I'm so glad you didn't laugh during that because I laugh at everything and I need balance in my life." -Augusta

The second act begins and they ask the audience to read a funny text message. I blurt out a text I received from Cayla.

It had to do with masturbation.

It was word vomit and I immediately regretted it, but it was so dang funny.

Like I'm sorry, Cayla. I'm sorry, but this is really funny.

Cayla plots to murder me.

"You owe me a shot." -Cayla

God, Cayla is an expensive date.

Ok, the second act was really, really funny. The entire skit is centered around Cayla's text. Like I was loling/dying/all the things white girls do when they're happy.

Slack snorts. Everyone looks.

No one is laughing as much as we are. We are like the most annoying people on the earth.

I notice one of the comedians resembles Ryan Gosling. I begin planning my pick-up line in my head. It will be something cute/funny/flirty. A line that says, I'm just a young woman hanging out at a comedy club, which means I don't take myself seriously. To quote the great Taylor Swift, "You don't know about me, but I bet you want to." I needed a line that basically subtweeted that.

I see him after the show. I place my hand on his back and say, "Good job."

It wasn't my best.

We move on.

Our night takes a slight detour when Augusta ends up back at the comedy club with the same bartender. Tears and broken ankles were involved and it's fine, she's fine.

Ok, if he didn't before, the bartender really, really hates us now.

911 was called because white girls do nothing casually and it's fine.

It's casual.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

A CVS Nightmare

Prescription drugs are a beautiful thing, aren't they?

Well after a nice visit from the dermatologist, I was prescribed like 300 drugs to take for my skin. Good God, being honest via a blog is brutal, but here I am.

Well after dinner tonight, my parents dropped me off at CVS to pick up my pills.

Every time I go to CVS to pick up my happy pills, I think, "OK, surely this is organized and I just don't see it because I'm not a pharmacist."

I tell them my last name and they head to the back. Baskets and baskets fill the place with dozens of bags in each of them.

I see the basket labeled "SK-ST" and think, "OK, that's obviously where my drugs are" because, you know, my last name begins with SK.

But the pharmacist never goes directly to that basket. They look in all the other S baskets before I guess finally figuring out the alphabet. Then they find my drugs.

how the alphabet must be for pharmacists.

But tonight, the woman searched and searched before handing my case over to another pharmacist.

The man pulled me aside and told me he was confused about the instructions and tried calling my doctor and me, but that I never returned his phone call.

Let me inform y'all what the voicemail said. (Note he had an African accent.)

"Hi. This call is for Paige. This is Tom. Call me back."

No mention of CVS. No mention of drugs. Nothing.

So I googled the number and when I realized it was CVS, I just figured it was a courtesy call telling me my prescription was ready.

Well apparently not because the pharmacist was mad at me.

I explained the instructions to him, according to how the dermatologist told me and he said, "OK."

Oh, so we're just taking my word for it? Ok. That's comforting.

Once it was time to pay, I had to go to the back of the very long line. I was annoyed.

The original woman checks me out and asks for my date of birth about 100 times.

10/22/90. 10/22/90. 10/22/90.

She looks at the prescription and I kid you not, looks at me in the eye and says, "You can't take this if you're pregnant."

I said, "Ok, but, like, I'm not, so...."

I pay.

I'm going to the gym.

One Direction concert

This is really late, but I think my readers deserve to know what my experience entailed at the One Direction concert Sunday.

First, I had to pick out an outfit. I needed something that said, "I'm old enough to drink beer, but young enough to date Harry Styles."

I settled on my Taylor Swift dress.

There was also an off-chance Harry would see me, think I was Taylor, ask for me (her) back, and then he would fall for me.

BUT, in some weird freak of nature, I lost my Spanx, which makes me sound like a complete slut who just loses her undergarments, but I promise that's not the case.

So I had to go to Target to buy some new Spanx, but also chocolate chip cookie dough to complete my slutty brownies masterpiece. So that shopping combination was fun.

OK, so after I bought my Spanx, I dressed, while sweating my butt off because my house's air conditioner went out. So waiting for Kassidy to arrive was miserable.

We loaded up and headed out to Arlington. We were thirsty and hungry, so stopping at Sherlock's was the only reasonable thing to do. When I went there before the Beyonce and Jay concert, it was fairly crowded with concertgoers drinking and whatnot. Not on Sunday night. It was empty. Just Kassidy and me and some men participating in their fantasy football draft. They didn't hit on us, so we're assuming they were gay.

obviously gay if you're not into us.

We had to spend $40 at Sherlock's to take its shuttle over to the stadium for the concert. That was difficult because it was happy hour, so shots happened.

We cheered to Harry Styles and his gifts.

We hopped onto the shuttle, rolled our eyes at the young moms who thought they were hot enough for Harry, and moved on.

I walked quickly because I was scared of missing my boys, but we got there in plenty of time. We got a drink, found our seats, and began to make small talk with the 9-year-old next to us.

Her favorite member was Liam and I physically didn't know how to hide my confusion.

I eeked "Liiiiiiiiammmmmm?!?!?"

She looked at me, confused and then I remembered I was speaking to a child. I quickly followed it up with, "Oh, he's a good one." Obviously I was lying my pants off because Liam is literally my least favorite and I would rather hang out with anyone besides Liam.

I changed the subject as soon as I could to distract the little girl from my disgust at her taste in men. I asked her whose music video was playing on the big screen and she didn't know. I once again yelled at her, saying, "If you don't know, then who does????" Her mother chuckled. The daughter looked away.

The show began and oh my gosh, can we have a serious conversation right now? I love boy bands. Obviously that goes without saying. NSYNC was great and all, but really only JT and JC brought any looks to the group. Yeah, I'm all about having a grown-up argument over Chris becoming more attractive later and Lance being a hot gay guy, but I'm talking like really real good looks.

But let me tell you, all of those 1D boys are attractive.

Harry. His hair was long Sunday night. He combed it with his fingers often. I wasn't mad about it.

Zayn. What a mysterious bad boy.

Louis. He's cute and just funny. We all know he's secretly gay and Eleanor is his beard, but I appreciate him.

Niall. He's a blonde and plays guitar and you just want to snuggle him until he suffocates.

And Liam. As much as I hate him, I can't deny his beauty. Even with that stupid tattoo.

Kassidy and I sang and it was beautiful. However at one point, we needed another drink. We chose a song we didn't know and headed out to get something.

First place we went to: We don't have anything. You'll have to go upstairs.

Upstairs: We're not serving. There's some over there, though.

Over there: We only have soft drinks. Go to the bar.

The bar: We're packing up. You just missed it.

We were furious. It was hardly 10 p.m. and this place had stopped serving. We're looking into suing. I'll keep everyone posted.

Every concert has a song where people pull out their iPhones's flashlights and "Little Things" was 1D's. It was magical.

The show ended and we headed out with our heads hung low. We most likely will never experience anything like that again. Not until they're washed-up nobodies playing at the House of Blues in 10 years. I look forward to seeing you again, Harry.

(I still haven't decided who will be the JT of 1D. Harry has the looks and rock star persona, but Liam has the work ethic. But Zayn is kind of like JC and actually the best, but will probably end up going solo with weird music and then we'll see him judging some reality show, like America's Best Dance Crew.)

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Sex and the City Movie and my thoughts

E! is showing this again and I'm not going to watch it. I'm stronger than the TV and I can change the channel.

Good God, that opening song gets me every time. They seem so happy. The clothes are so great. I once performed a routine to this song, so I have a special connection to it. Ok, I'll watch until right before the wedding.

All of those wedding dresses for her Vogue shoot are so ugly, even the one she picks.

Wait, why does Samantha live in LA? Did I miss something? Because in the last episode of the series, she was in New York, right?

Oh, god, that "carried away" pun Samantha makes at the rehearsal dinner is bad. I wish I would have never heard that.

I love Steve. IT WAS ONE TIME, MIRANDA. Forgive him and his cute glasses. Please. I can't see you do this.

Was Miranda a lesbian IRL yet when this movie aired? I can't remember and I didn't take notes during the show's E! True Hollywood Story.

WHY IS BIG CALLING HER DURING HER SLUMBER PARTY? Does he have any respect for women?

Hey, Carrie, if you have to tell your future husband what to write for his vows, maybe it ain't right. Do you think Aiden would have trouble with this???? No, Aiden would write a freakin poem for you, frame it, and then make a dang dining room table out of it. I don't even know what that means, but Aiden is perfect and I miss him.

Why am I watching this? I literally hate this movie.

I like that that little Asian baby Lilly hangs up on Big. I can respect that.

Remember when Carrie literally didn't have a family? Where are her parents?

Maybe Big will show up this time? Oh, nope, still a douchebag no matter how many times I watch this movie.

Remember when Carrie has a panic attack in every wedding dress she's ever put on? Maybe it's just best not to have a wedding, girl.

WHY ARE YOU HITTING HIM WITH FLOWERS?? Hit him with your fists. Flowers just make the entire thing look pretty.

That look from Charlotte. Why are none of the other friends hitting him?

Which friend would I be in this situation? I would be Samantha and tell all of the guests to go home. I'm good in crisis situations. Yeah, that would be me. I'm going to text some girlfriends and ask them the same question.

Ooooo, Katie brings up a good point. Always thinking outside the box, Katie.

"Yes, I'm still jilted." That might be the best line from the entire movie.

I sleep all day and through dinner all the time and I've never been jilted. Also, why have none of my friends ever spoon-fed me? I'm going to ask them.

no response.

"I need something to get me out of my Mexicoma." Oh, that's a good line, though.

Every good movie has a sassy black assistant — this movie, The Other Woman and that's all I can think of.

This movie is sad. I'm going to Facebook stalk some people.

"Maybe you're only allotted a certain amount of tears for each man and I used all mine up." Ok, that line is pretty good, too.

Wait, I want the Meet Me In St. Louis on DVD. Oh, nope, nevermind. I want the Louis Vuitton, except not that one. It's ugly.

Remember when Brady's name is Steve's last name. So his name is Brady Brady, but it's not because it's Brady Hobbs. That's weird. This is weird.

God, I love Steve. I want to cry. But I'm fine.

Oh, wow. Carrie is spending NYE alone in her apartment. This movie is sad. I don't like it. But this is as worse as it gets. It gets better. I think. I hope.

I wish my articles could start with "Love..." I wish I could write about ex-boyfriends and still have them marry me and then jilt me at the alter. I wish I could afford to live in New York and write about men.

Why are Samantha and Smith wearing matching pajamas?

"You're not alone," Carrie says to Miranda. Ok, that line is good. I like that one.

I like that Big is eating and drinking alone on NYE.

It's 7:17 and this movie isn't over until 8. Why am I doing this to myself?

Why hasn't Big called her house phone? He obviously doesn't want her back that badly.

Samantha looks good with bangs. I should cut my bangs again. I'm going to.

I don't and will never understand why Carrie got so mad at Miranda. She didn't make Big stand Carrie up. Also, those balloons in the restaurant is a little much. Restaurants don't really do that, do they???

Oh, God, the sushi scene. I know it's Samantha and everything she does is over-the-top, but I can't.

"You have to forgive me." -Miranda to Carrie.

Remember when Carrie said that over and over again to Aiden and it was really annoying? I miss Aiden. I wonder what kind of furniture he's making right now.

"Yeah, I broke a vow, but what about the other vows?" Oh, Steve, you're good. Good point. One point for Steve.

Those sandwiches look good.

Jennifer Hudson is kind of a douche in this movie. She gets engaged when Carrie is clearly heartbroken and moves away from her. Selfish.

Oh, good. Miranda showed up to the Brooklyn Bridge. They're kissing. Miranda kisses weird. She's taller than Steve. I love Steve. I once took a Buzzfeed quiz to see which SATC man was my boyfriend and I got Richard Wright and I haven't been on Buzzfeed since. I'm kidding. I retook it and got Steve and now I'm happier. Except I should have gotten Aiden because he's sensitive and has a nice nook.

Ok, I missed some parts. My dad just walked into my room to show me a Taylor Swift flash mob dance.

18 minutes left of this movie. I can do it. I can do it.

I like Harry. I think Harry IRL is a producer or writer for the show. I can't remember. But I think that's true.

I'm going to change all of my passwords to "love" because I'm a cliche white girl.

I don't think I would forgive a guy if all he could do was retype love letters from other people. But then again I would be married to Aiden.

Omg, she went back for the shoes and she got Big!!!!!!!

It's a happy ending!!!

I hate this movie. Now I'm happy and it feels weird. I shouldn't be happy about Big. I don't like Big.

"Why did we ever decide to get married?" Ok, that's also a really great line.

Ok, but my absolute favorite part of this entire movie is when they go to the courthouse to get married and the girls are there because Big set it up that way. Ok, Big did something smart for once in his life.

"Still. It would have been nice if you had the girls here... which is why I called them."

*I can't find a clip, so screw everyone*


I HAVE CHILLS. CHILLS. I FEEL CHILLS. WHY. I HATE THIS MOVIE. But when they open the doors and the girls are there. I'm tearing up. I'm fine. I'm fine. Oh, God. Steve is here. Jennifer Hudson is singing. I can't. This movie is so great. No, I hate it. It took me through too many emotions. I'm mad.

It's ending. It's over. I'm switching over to the ID channel.

I hated that. Never again.

OMG, it's coming on again...

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Two months after wedding, Jill Duggar Dillard is pregnant

I hate everyone.

I might as well change the tagline of this blog to "Your No. 1 source for all things Duggars."

If you haven't already heard or read, Jill Duggar Dillard is pregnant. With a child.

Jill and Derick married June 21.

Today is Aug. 20.

That's two months.

We had the same reaction, Derick.

You typically announce your pregnancy when you're three months pregnant.

They're probably just really excited and announcing it early, but I mean, we are forced to do the math here.

We know Jill was saving her first kiss for marriage, but we don't know about Derick.

I mean he was the mascot at OSU, for crying out loud. We probably had ladies lining up. (This isn't so much a joke because I do have a thing for mascots, so I can't blame Jill.)

So Derick knew what he was doing the night of June 21.

Or they cheated and that's what my father thinks. I'm not going to accuse them of anything, but C'MON. TWO MONTHS AFTER YOUR WEDDING DAY AND YOU'RE ALREADY PREGNANT???

It's also been one year since the first time they've Skyped.

You're probably thinking that's a weird piece of information that I know.

But it's not because these two weirdos celebrated their Skypeiversary.

I guess I'm just wondering why.

One of the things I read in Growing Up Duggar (which can I mention again was the worst book I've ever read and I'm not even joking) was that a marriage counselor advised Michelle and Jim Bob to not have a TV or pet during their entire first year of marriage. I read that and thought, 'Ok, that's not a bad idea. You should spend your first year getting to know each other and learning how to live with another person.' But isn't a kid kind of the ultimate pet? I mean I don't know much about anything, but I can only imagine it can't be great.

Derick, what have you done. You knocked up a Duggar and now Jim Bob is going to be in your life forever and pretty soon you'll be competing against him in obstacle courses while your sweet bride looks on.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Taylor Swift Yahoo! Livestream

Today was the day.

No, I didn't get a job.

IT'S SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT. Taylor Swift hosted a livestream on Yahoo!

That exclamation mark was because that's the way Yahoo! is spelled, not because I'm some freak who uses it in her blog.

This is how it went down:

Emily enters my home.

"Hey, I got the snacks."

She hands me the Cheeto Puffs and Oreos. I see AdvoCare Spark in her hand.

"That isn't for me, is it? I don't drink that."

"No," she says as she heads to my room. "I saw someone I knew at Target. They must have been thinking, 'Look at this girl and her afternoon snacks.'"

We plop onto my bed. We open the Oreos. We catch up on gossip. We snuggle up to the computer.

24 minutes until the livestream begins and I'm sweating.

What if the music isn't good? I know she's going in a more pop direction and what if I can't physically handle that? I didn't like We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together when I first heard it, but then I learned to love it. What if that's the case?

Emily hands me some Cheetos.

We stage an Instagram picture. This will be good, we thought to ourselves. Maybe Taylor will like it.

See also: Taylor Swift likes my Instagram photo

We're into the single digits. The livestream is playing jazz instrumental music and we hope this isn't some kind of insight into the new direction her music is going.

"I hope this isn't the instrumental music of her new stuff," Emily says with an Oreo in her mouth.

"I will die," I respond.

I wouldn't really die. Dying is not an option at this point. The only thing we can do now is live and laugh and love.

Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, it's starting.


"Oh, wow. She looks good. Do you think I can make my hair do that?" I ask.

No response.

Taylor moves into a room with a bunch of her fans. We wonder where we went wrong and if our invite was sent to a wrong address. We check our emails to make sure there wasn't some kind of mistake. There wasn't.

She's wearing a white crop top paired with a white skirt. Her fans don't look as good as her. No one ever looks as good as her. She's the queen. We're all just peasants.

She begins talking. Emily and I move even closer to the computer screen. We haven't figured out how to make it fullscreen, so we just move closer.

This is it, I think. I will forever remember where I was and what I was wearing the day Taylor announced her plans for her fifth album. Just like my parents remember where they were when JFK was shot. This is the same type of thing. I was in my room, eating Cheetos with Emily, wearing a T-shirt that reads, "Our coach is hotter than your coach."

Taylor immediately tells us she has three surprises and that the third one is her favorite, so we have to wait until the end for that.


She throws some shade at her haters and then gives us the song, Shake It Off. She dances. The audience/her fans dance. Oh, wow. They aren't good.

One girl actually gets the chance to dance with Taylor.

"I would have wet myself. My urine would have gotten on her white outfit. But then she could just Shake It Off," Emily says while I try shushing her so I can better hear the song.

She continues to dance with her fans.

Yeah, he's gay. Oh, she can't dance. I love Taylor.

Once Taylor finally settles down from dancing to her new single, she tells us the album will be released Oct. 27. THAT'S FIVE DAYS AFTER MY BIRTHDAY, PEOPLE. It's called 1989 and will have actual Polaroid pictures in the album. Different pictures for different physical copies of the album.

"Oh, so we have to buy multiple copies of the CD," Emily says.

There will be secret messages in the linear notes, so now we know my Oct. 27 will be decoding Taylor Swift lyrics.

The third and final surprise is the music video. I called it. I knew it wouldn't be just a single. She would have to give us more.

Emily and I scoot closer to the laptop. Our faces are three inches away from the screen. We still haven't figured out how to make it into a fullscreen.

The video starts.

Emily and I look at each other as if, 'This moment is about to change our lives.'

We make it halfway through the video when all of a sudden, everything stalls.

I stand up on my bed.

Emily stops eating.

We scream.

Emily begins praying.

We spend about 30 seconds trying to figure out what to do.

We could wait for it to load back. That could be forever, though. We need to see the video now. We could refresh the page, but that's an even bigger risk. It's scary because everything could disappear or on the off-chance, it could actually solve the issue.

I check my Twitter. We seem to be the only one having this problem. The rest of my followers are tweeting about something else. We are FOMOing.

"Dear God, just please be with us during this difficult moment," I hear Emily mutter over the computer screen.

We put the video on fullscreen.

"I guess I'm just wondering why it hasn't been like this the entire time," Emily says, while giving me the side-eye.

We get the video to play again.

It's over.

The livestream is over. We missed the ending to the music video.

Emily is frantic.

"We didn't even get to say goodbye," Emily says while wondering why bad things happen to good people.

We head to YouTube to watch the video. We watched it first to observe everything. What is she wearing? Look at her hair. Did you see that head nod? Did she just say hella?

The next seven times we watched the video, we were barely watching it. We were standing on my bed and dancing. Or we were trying to.

Emily fell over and nearly broke my shelf at one point.

We switched sides, so I would be near the shelf. We continue dancing.

We begin to learn the words. Emily corrects me when I think it's, "Bakers gonna bake, bake, bake."

"Paige, it's, 'Fakers gonna fake, fake, fake.'"

I continue on, realizing she's just a hater and she's gonna hate.

My father walks in to check on us. We continue dancing. He walks away shaking his head, wondering if I should see a specialist.

After the seventh view, we sit down to cool off.

"We're too old to be dancing like this," Emily says as she pops a chocolate-covered pomegranate.