Monday, August 18, 2014

Taylor Swift Yahoo! Livestream

Today was the day.

No, I didn't get a job.

IT'S SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT. Taylor Swift hosted a livestream on Yahoo!

That exclamation mark was because that's the way Yahoo! is spelled, not because I'm some freak who uses it in her blog.

This is how it went down:

Emily enters my home.

"Hey, I got the snacks."

She hands me the Cheeto Puffs and Oreos. I see AdvoCare Spark in her hand.

"That isn't for me, is it? I don't drink that."

"No," she says as she heads to my room. "I saw someone I knew at Target. They must have been thinking, 'Look at this girl and her afternoon snacks.'"

We plop onto my bed. We open the Oreos. We catch up on gossip. We snuggle up to the computer.

24 minutes until the livestream begins and I'm sweating.

What if the music isn't good? I know she's going in a more pop direction and what if I can't physically handle that? I didn't like We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together when I first heard it, but then I learned to love it. What if that's the case?

Emily hands me some Cheetos.

We stage an Instagram picture. This will be good, we thought to ourselves. Maybe Taylor will like it.

See also: Taylor Swift likes my Instagram photo

We're into the single digits. The livestream is playing jazz instrumental music and we hope this isn't some kind of insight into the new direction her music is going.

"I hope this isn't the instrumental music of her new stuff," Emily says with an Oreo in her mouth.

"I will die," I respond.

I wouldn't really die. Dying is not an option at this point. The only thing we can do now is live and laugh and love.

Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, it's starting.


"Oh, wow. She looks good. Do you think I can make my hair do that?" I ask.

No response.

Taylor moves into a room with a bunch of her fans. We wonder where we went wrong and if our invite was sent to a wrong address. We check our emails to make sure there wasn't some kind of mistake. There wasn't.

She's wearing a white crop top paired with a white skirt. Her fans don't look as good as her. No one ever looks as good as her. She's the queen. We're all just peasants.

She begins talking. Emily and I move even closer to the computer screen. We haven't figured out how to make it fullscreen, so we just move closer.

This is it, I think. I will forever remember where I was and what I was wearing the day Taylor announced her plans for her fifth album. Just like my parents remember where they were when JFK was shot. This is the same type of thing. I was in my room, eating Cheetos with Emily, wearing a T-shirt that reads, "Our coach is hotter than your coach."

Taylor immediately tells us she has three surprises and that the third one is her favorite, so we have to wait until the end for that.


She throws some shade at her haters and then gives us the song, Shake It Off. She dances. The audience/her fans dance. Oh, wow. They aren't good.

One girl actually gets the chance to dance with Taylor.

"I would have wet myself. My urine would have gotten on her white outfit. But then she could just Shake It Off," Emily says while I try shushing her so I can better hear the song.

She continues to dance with her fans.

Yeah, he's gay. Oh, she can't dance. I love Taylor.

Once Taylor finally settles down from dancing to her new single, she tells us the album will be released Oct. 27. THAT'S FIVE DAYS AFTER MY BIRTHDAY, PEOPLE. It's called 1989 and will have actual Polaroid pictures in the album. Different pictures for different physical copies of the album.

"Oh, so we have to buy multiple copies of the CD," Emily says.

There will be secret messages in the linear notes, so now we know my Oct. 27 will be decoding Taylor Swift lyrics.

The third and final surprise is the music video. I called it. I knew it wouldn't be just a single. She would have to give us more.

Emily and I scoot closer to the laptop. Our faces are three inches away from the screen. We still haven't figured out how to make it into a fullscreen.

The video starts.

Emily and I look at each other as if, 'This moment is about to change our lives.'

We make it halfway through the video when all of a sudden, everything stalls.

I stand up on my bed.

Emily stops eating.

We scream.

Emily begins praying.

We spend about 30 seconds trying to figure out what to do.

We could wait for it to load back. That could be forever, though. We need to see the video now. We could refresh the page, but that's an even bigger risk. It's scary because everything could disappear or on the off-chance, it could actually solve the issue.

I check my Twitter. We seem to be the only one having this problem. The rest of my followers are tweeting about something else. We are FOMOing.

"Dear God, just please be with us during this difficult moment," I hear Emily mutter over the computer screen.

We put the video on fullscreen.

"I guess I'm just wondering why it hasn't been like this the entire time," Emily says, while giving me the side-eye.

We get the video to play again.

It's over.

The livestream is over. We missed the ending to the music video.

Emily is frantic.

"We didn't even get to say goodbye," Emily says while wondering why bad things happen to good people.

We head to YouTube to watch the video. We watched it first to observe everything. What is she wearing? Look at her hair. Did you see that head nod? Did she just say hella?

The next seven times we watched the video, we were barely watching it. We were standing on my bed and dancing. Or we were trying to.

Emily fell over and nearly broke my shelf at one point.

We switched sides, so I would be near the shelf. We continue dancing.

We begin to learn the words. Emily corrects me when I think it's, "Bakers gonna bake, bake, bake."

"Paige, it's, 'Fakers gonna fake, fake, fake.'"

I continue on, realizing she's just a hater and she's gonna hate.

My father walks in to check on us. We continue dancing. He walks away shaking his head, wondering if I should see a specialist.

After the seventh view, we sit down to cool off.

"We're too old to be dancing like this," Emily says as she pops a chocolate-covered pomegranate.

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