Saturday, August 30, 2014

What it's like to go to a comedy club with the four most annoying girls ever


I don't really know what that means, but I'm sure people will take a chance to boast about America on Facebook and I'll be annoyed.

The week was hard because of deadlines (not really) and I just wanted to sit back and laugh at something that wasn't Teen Mom 2.

Augusta really wanted to meet Cayla, (she thinks she's funny and I'm like ok) so I planned a meet-up/blind date. The Dallas Comedy House is perfect, I thought. Nothing brings people together like laughter.

Cayla and I arrive at the comedy house first and plop ourselves down at the bar. We begin flirting. Or trying to. Cayla makes me buy her drink because she once shared my blog on her Facebook and thinks that means I owe her a drink.


She orders a $74 drink.

It's ok. She shared my blog. It's cool.

She tells the bartender about my blog. He looks it up on his phone. He begins reading it.

It's fine. Plenty of people read my words all the time. I think I don't know do y'all is anyone there. Except he's reading it right in front of me and I'm uncomfortable.

"Oh, can you like not read it right here in front of me. It's weird and this is..."

He interrupts me to compliment my Taylor Swift dress.

I'm incapable of not talking about it.

Ok, this guy knows what he's talking about, so I'll let him continue reading.

Cayla then insults him by asking him something about comedy. I don't really know because I wasn't paying attention. I think I was daydreaming about my Taylor Swift dress.

I come into the conversation when he tells us he's a comedian. Or trying to be. He takes improv classes.

"Oh, then be funny." -Cayla

"I was just being funny." -bartender

Ok, ok, ok. This isn't a big deal. All we did was piss off the man handling our drinks. Let's change the subject. Hurry, hurry, anything.

Where are you from, we ask. He tells us West Texas.

RAIDER POWER. Cayla and I are really excited. We know everything about West Texas. We are West Texas.

"Yeah, I'm from Wink, Texas." -bartender

Oh. Ok, we don't know that town, but I'm sure it's lovely.

Augusta and Slack arrive. Ok, thank God. I think the bartender hates us. Let's move along.

The first comedy troupe/act/people start and I'm not going to say they're unfunny because that's rude and I know how much that can hurt. But it just wasn't my style. But Augusta is laughing really hard.

Everyone is looking at us. She tells us wine was involved in her dinner.

The first act finally ends and I'm relieved. Augusta calms down.

"Paige, I'm so glad you didn't laugh during that because I laugh at everything and I need balance in my life." -Augusta

The second act begins and they ask the audience to read a funny text message. I blurt out a text I received from Cayla.

It had to do with masturbation.

It was word vomit and I immediately regretted it, but it was so dang funny.

Like I'm sorry, Cayla. I'm sorry, but this is really funny.

Cayla plots to murder me.

"You owe me a shot." -Cayla

God, Cayla is an expensive date.

Ok, the second act was really, really funny. The entire skit is centered around Cayla's text. Like I was loling/dying/all the things white girls do when they're happy.

Slack snorts. Everyone looks.

No one is laughing as much as we are. We are like the most annoying people on the earth.

I notice one of the comedians resembles Ryan Gosling. I begin planning my pick-up line in my head. It will be something cute/funny/flirty. A line that says, I'm just a young woman hanging out at a comedy club, which means I don't take myself seriously. To quote the great Taylor Swift, "You don't know about me, but I bet you want to." I needed a line that basically subtweeted that.

I see him after the show. I place my hand on his back and say, "Good job."

It wasn't my best.

We move on.

Our night takes a slight detour when Augusta ends up back at the comedy club with the same bartender. Tears and broken ankles were involved and it's fine, she's fine.

Ok, if he didn't before, the bartender really, really hates us now.

911 was called because white girls do nothing casually and it's fine.

It's casual.

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