Tuesday, September 30, 2014

I spent one hour on Tinder and it was horrible

Listen, the title says it all.

I've made better decisions (eating powdered donuts for dinner tonight) and I've made worse (interviewing a man in his home about his murder-mystery novel).



I was hanging out with Kassidy, not blogging about the Duggars, and she was all like, OMG, this Tinder dude is so _____.

The adjectives ranged from cute to hot to weird to fatherly.

So I went ahead and downloaded my app because nothing brings two 20-something women together more than swiping left and right.



My requirements:

If you have dreadlocks: swipe right

If you're in a band: swipe right

If you used the word fag in your bio: swipe left

If you're a father: I would say swipe left, but honestly I swiped right for a father of two, so who really cares.

If you're younger than 21: I would also like to say that I would say swipe left, but I swiped right for a 19-year-old, but I DID swipe left for the cute 18-year-old, so I DO have standards, y'all.

I didn't get any matches and this is the end of the blog post.

I'M KIDDING. HAHA I'M FUNNY. THIS IS FUNNY. KEEP LAUGHING. PRETEND YOU'RE AN AUDIENCE MEMBER OF SNL AND KEEP LAUGHING.

OK, so I did get some matches.



Conversation 1:

Background: My bio was "Taylor Swift liked my Instagram photo one time" and Caulder's first question was, "What was the picture?" This is what happened after that:


saucy.
Conversation 2:
Background: He's referring to this picture:





I was referring to a picture of Kyle sitting on a couch (I didn't really like it, but ya know, got to make stupid conversation, boost an ego, etc.).

Well apparently Kyle used to be a model and...



So the conversation ended because I didn't want to offend him (lol sometimes I have a heart, but most of the time I don't, but idk sometimes you feel sweet after watching Pharrell on The Voice because he's so sweet and please don't tell me I'm the only one watching that show because this is the best season yet).

Conversation 3:



I never responded because it's like what are YOU doing on Tinder, mister?

Conversation 4:
Background: Ken sent some weird basic message about how he's new to Dallas and wanted to know what I do here and I was like no way in heck I'm giving you any real information because lying is more fun, but anywho I kind of not really called him out for it because I'm fiery via the Internet.


I just felt I needed to be honest with Ken and let him know that I hate the outdoors and we could never be anything more than this conversation.

Conversation 5 (did not screenshot):
"I'm watching a baseball playoff game." -guy
"Oh, I love the A's, but not their ballpark." -me
"I've never been." -guy

Conversation 6 (did not screenshot):
"Hey girl" -guy
"Hi boy" -me
"What's up girl" -guy
"SAY MY NAME" -me

I deleted the app after one hour. Do you think a lot of the guys are heartbroken over it? I bet.


Monday, September 29, 2014

Things people want me to blog about

Y'all have ideas. Loads of them.

Here are some of the suggestions I've received for this here blog:

-Drill team
I've written about drill team a million times. A lot of my friends who didn't have drill teams at their schools are fascinated about all of it. If you want, some drill team friends and I could drill you on all things drill team, but only if you want to hear us talk about holding open doors and changing outfits in 25 seconds and me knocking Danielle out with my foot one time and how we didn't sit the entire football game while the cheerleaders did, and how we did the jump splits in 30-degree weather, and other such things.



Jacklyn wanted me to blog about one particular instance, however.



So yes, basically, the babies (new girls on the squad) rode in a separate bus to away football games than the rest of the team. Upon exiting the parking lot, we sang the fight song. Upon returning, we sang the alma mater. Also our hats had to stay on during the entire duration of the bus ride. We couldn't take if off until we were in our homes. The headaches were real.

-How machines are taking their jobs
Yes, this is a very important issue and something the Wall Street Journal would probably write about. Not this blog. I will say this: It's important to not use the self-checkout machine at the grocery store because that's taking a job away from the 16-year-old who needs that first job and its experience. You see, that was boring, right? No one comes to this blog to hear PMS chat about the economy.

-Their dog
This is Baxter. He's sweet and likes me even after I took him to the vet twice. I don't know, I'm just kind of a dog whisperer or something. I wouldn't call it a gift as much as a God-given ability. Baxter also snores while awake.



-Why America loves the Kardashians
Because they're pretty and rich and most of Americans aren't pretty and rich, so we like to sit down after working a long day and watch what pretty and rich people do. Also: butts.



-People selling stuff on social media
Yes, this is annoying because it's the same as people trying to sell their relationship online. I get it. Your boyfriend is your #mcm. That's awesome because when I saw him last he was trying to make out with my friend, so I totally get why you need to convince yourself and everyone else that he's so wonderful. But that's none of my business. And that miracle diet product you boast so much about? That's also awesome and I'm glad you're seeing results. But I'm also confused when you say you feel like crap when you don't take said diet pill. I feel like crap when I don't snort cocaine or drink Dr Pepper, but that doesn't mean it's good for me. (I don't snort cocaine, everyone who thinks this blog is a very serious and direct reflection of my life and thoughts. This is just an example.)



-Sports
Speaking of cocaine, I'll just say this about Ron Washington: I think I saw him in the back of a pickup truck today. OK, but other than that, as someone with a degree in public relations, if I was the head of PR for the Rangers (is it still Jim Sundberg?) and the claims about Ron Washington were false, then I would make sure they would be removed and the discussion would be done.

#JohnWettelandForManager

But what do I know? And honestly, what do the Rangers know? The marketing department once sent me this letter when I was 18.



But really, what do I know?



-Brittney
My sister has been begging me to write something about her since I began writing. I don't know what she wants me to say. This is Brittney. She is a career woman. She has a cat named Radley. She likes the beach. She doesn't eat dairy until it's my bowl of ice cream and then all of a sudden ice cream is her love language. She taught me how to shave my legs. She's pretty.

her with a guy from the bachelorette.

Keep the suggestions coming. I love 'em.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

What Would Happen If I Was On The Voice

This season of The Voice is so good and this is embarrassing because I tweeted a lot about how horrible I thought it was, so yes, I'm swallowing my pride and also some Dr Pepper, so you need to respect me.


this is actually really true.

But after sleeping on it, I've concluded that this is the best season yet and it may or may not be because of Pharrell.

he doesn't age and he's so smart and well spoken.


Also because this guy is really good.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fk5t_jw0vKQ

And he tweeted me.



But I'm like YOU HAVE A WIFE AND KIDS, YOU NEED TO SETTLE DOWN AND BY SETTLE DOWN FEEL FREE TO VIRTUALLY WINK AT ME ANYTIME.

But seriously who is Usher because Pharrell, what is up.



But after watching and rewatching these episodes, I'm like, wow. This is really hard. Who would I make the luckiest person on earth and choose as my coach?

But first, I would need to choose a song.

I would go with Boy Like Me by Jessica Harp because it would show off my impeccable vocal range and my sassy attitude.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvSetFSc3gE

All of the judges would obviously turn around and be stunned at my stage presence and all-around beauty.



Gwen would only turn around when the other guys did because she has the worst case of FOMO in the history of FOMO.



As soon as I finished singing, I would be like, Gwen, just turn the chair around because I'm not going to choose you.



i'd rather die.

After I got rid of Gwen and her bribes of a clothing line, Adam would probably be really in love with me.





I would be like, "Adam, what can you promise me as a coach?" and he would be like:




And I would be like ok.

Then I would move on to Pharrell, who is so little and wears jewelry, and I think we all know how I feel about men wearing jewelry (#feminine) and I would be like, Hey.


Listen, Pharrell, I'm also happy, ok. Calm down.

And Blake, what can you bring to the table?


God, I love Blake Shelton. He would obviously help me meet some of the all-time country greats, like Hunter Hayes and Taylor Swift and whatnot, so he's def a possibility.

And then would it came down to make my decision, I would just be looking into six beautiful eyes, extremely confused.







I thought once I wrote this I would know who I would choose, but I still don't. This was really just an excuse for gifs.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Types of Men You'll Meet In A Bar

It's a Friday night and you just just just just GOT PAID and you want to go out. So you walk into the bar. You look around to see a fresh sea of men.



First things first I'm the realest and I need a drink.



1. The Bartender
You cozy your way up to the bar. You give your order: cider on tap. The bartender says, "You're too pretty to buy your own drinks. It's on me." You die. You fall in love. You envision the his and her towels in y'all's mansion. You wonder why other men can't figure out women. Buy us drinks and tell us we're pretty, like, it's not that complicated.



Then you begin filling out the divorce papers when you overhear your bartender husband call another woman sweetie. It's over. You storm off with your free drink and hold back the tears.



2. African Men
First thing you see is a group of African men. You're on the rebound from your bartender husband and you need someone to tell you you're pretty STAT. These guys are not African-American men, well yes, they're from Africa and living in America now, but they're actual, real-life Africans. You make small talk with them and realize OMG AFRICAN MEN ARE ACTUALLY THE NICEST HUMAN BEINGS ON EARTH.

Like, no wonder Christians are always going to Africa to save them and clean their water and take pictures with them for Facebook. It's not because they need it more than any other country, it's because African men are actually angels who forgot how to fly.



You chat with these African men for awhile. And then you realize they actually just need a green card. They aren't actually interested in you.

Ugh, well at least the band is playing, you think.

3. The Band
Go ahead and move past the lead singer because in the history of bands, there has never been a single lead singer. He's always dating a model and never a blogger and that's life and it's hard sometimes. Just save yourself the awkward, 'Ohhhh, what's your girlfriend's name' response and move to the other band members.



The bass player in the band is typically passionate with a lot of soul. He's soulful. He likes soul food. This is good. Everyone wants a passionate man. Their eyes are never open during a performance because they're so in tune with the music. You respect this. He tells you he has to be up early tomorrow morning to play at a black church. Wow, you think. A black church. He's so cultured. But bass players are always a little off. Kind of like a left-handed relief pitcher. Just not quite there. Soon he's telling you about some weird theory about the ocean water in Australia. Just walk away while you're kind of ahead.



4. The Gay Guy
The band was a dud, so you're walking away trying to find your friend when a very attractive, well-dressed guy stops to compliment you on your shoes. You will blush and thank him. You will then chat about all things wonderful, like shoes and TV and life, and then his boyfriend will show up. Yes, being attracted to gay men is hard.

Walking away and shaking your head in disbelief, you will finally, FINALLY, set your eyes on a nice Jewish-looking male. He has glasses, dark hair, and maybe even male parts, so he might actually be straight. He will be surrounded by friends drinking beer, some guys, some girls, and you'll begin chatting with him.

5. The Guy Who Has a Girl Friend Who Suddenly Realizes She Wants To Be A Girlfriend
Then all of a sudden like a bat out of hell, the girl friend, the girl of the friend group, will suddenly realize she's interested in your male subject. She will begin to rub his back. It will be with her fake French manicured nails. She will whisper in his ear. His eyes will roll in the back of his head. You're done. Just get up and walk away because life is awful and sometimes it takes you hitting on a guy for his friend to realize she's into him.



You will go to the bathroom and there will be a girl crying. You will also begin to cry.



Happy Saturday. Good luck out there.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Episode 4 Recap/Boys will be boys

Are you ever just relaxing with a friend, chatting about wonderful things (becoming an adult and how terrifying it is) when all of a sudden you're like, OH MY GOSH, I FORGOT. I SHOULD BE BLOGGING ABOUT THE DUGGARS RIGHT NOW.



That happened to me. It was dramatic. My day was dramatic. So I had to wait until the 10 p.m. showing because my family doesn't have DVR.

This episode was split into guy time and girl time. The guys (Jim Bob, John David, Ben, and Derick) went camping.

The girls (Michelle, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Jana, and Joy Anna met up with Anna in DC to ~wEdDiNg DrEsS sHoP~


GUY TIME!

There was booze and hookers and cussing and Jim Bob ripped off his wedding ring and said, 'Screw this! I want to screw this hooker instead!'*



*They sat next to a campfire and roasted some marshmallows.

"We'll have some smores and then we'll have some snores." -Jim Bob

Jim Bob leads most of the conversations and the convos mainly center around women (wow I bet this is really accurate to men IRL). John David just kind of sits there with his kind of big belly Am I allowed to say that? He may or may not be my future husband and Derick attempts to ask insightful questions about marriage and life and Ben is, well, Ben.

Ok, here goes nothing. Ben is like really dumb. And that's coming from me, so that's saying something. I think he may be 19 or something, but his one-on-one confessional things are painful.

Like, for instance he tried telling a joke in the car with the other guys.

"Man always has the last word and those words are 'Yes, ma'am.'" hahahahahahaha hahahah hahahahahha HLHSJFLJDSGHF 



Shoot me.

Jim Bob didn't even laugh and he laughs at everything.

The boys then went rock climbing and they were scared of dying, so they were all like, Man, if I die, I would miss Michelle/Jill/Jessa and Jim Bob was like, 'Well, John David, you're the most expendable because you don't have a girlfriend right now.'



WHAT THE ACTUAL EFF. I really want to cuss because that's how angry that statement made me, but I'm not going to.

I sometimes accidentally forget that having a significant other is the most important part of life until I watch this show. And I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for Jim Bob and his insight into life. Remind me to mention his name during this year's Thanksgiving meal where some awkward family member makes everyone say who or what they're thankful for. This year: Jim Bob.

Gawd. Now I'm just mad and don't want to finish the blog, but I'm loyal.

GIRL TIME!

I just need to get this off my chest: Jana is like really pretty. I don't know why she's single. The only thing you need to have is looks when getting a boyfriend, so Jana should definitely have one by now.

not updated, but whatever.

The girls go wedding dress shopping and Jill needs something ugly modest, blah blah blah. I get the whole not showing off the boobs part of modesty, but I really don't get the nothing sleeveless part. Like, sure nothing strapless, ok, that makes sense, but nothing sleeveless????? Someone enlighten me on that, please.

At the bridal shop, all of the girls read Jill a note about how sweet she is because there's nothing a bride needs more than a confidence boost and some attention, so they're all like, 'Jill, you're so sweet and Derick is so lucky to have you as a wife,' and I'm nodding off.



But when Michelle read hers, I felt feelings. I didn't like it. Weddings are sad/weird and I always feel happy/free/confused/lonely during them.



Josie word count episode 4: ZERO. Thank you, TLC.




Preview to watch for in next episode: I wasn't paying attention, so sorry. A wedding is probably involved.