Monday, September 1, 2014

"Are we going to get into how Screech did porn because that's really the only reason I'm here."

The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story aired tonight and oh, wow. Can you say anti.cli.mac.tic.

Like, severely so.

I had been looking forward to Labor Day, one so people would stop wearing white jeans, and secondly, for this movie to air.

I needed to know everything. Who was doing who? What's it like to be a teen heartthrob? How often does Zack dye his hair?

My first mistake regarding this movie was expecting something spectacular. I almost had forgotten it was a made-for-TV Lifetime movie.

My second mistake was watching it with two women who shall remain anonymous (Katie and Kassidy), who apparently have never seen an episode of Saved By The Bell in their lives or for that matter, know anything about pop culture. Or like a TV show. Nothing.

"Wait this show was on Disney Channel?"

"It was about a teacher at first?"

"Zack has an Asian mom?"

"They filmed it in front of a live audience? Can't they do more than one take still?"


The actresses who played the actresses were really unfunny and I think that's because they were playing unfunny actresses in the first place. Like, they were "funny" on SBTB, but not funny behind the scenes.

Are you following?

No? Me neither. This movie was challenging for me. Kind of like The Help. (It was a fiction movie based on a fiction book based on nonfiction experiences, that were really fiction.)

This movie was based on a book, written by Dustin Diamond, who played Screech, who we also learned was drunk or inside a locker most of the time, so how much can we actually believe?

"Can I come out now?" -the actor who plays Dustin Diamond says to the director, while hiding in a locker during a scene of SBTB during a scene of the SBTB Story.

Like, I can't.

I honestly learned nothing from this movie except for a FEW things.

Mario Lopez was friendly.

Dustin Diamond hung out with a guy who introduced him to alcohol and pot and he seemed a little too friendly.

Elizabeth Berkley legitimately thought she had a career as an actress after this show. LOL OK.

Dustin Diamond thought Tori Spelling was attractive.

Elizabeth Berkley came up with the idea for the iconic caffeine pills episode.

Elizabeth Berkley was a major cockblock.

Elizabeth Berkley was annoying.

Dustin Diamond was portrayed as a misunderstood teen actor and I'm like ok, no. You're not that misunderstood. You're really just annoying.

At one point, I was confused because they showed the kids at a Hollywood party and Tiffani-Amber/Kelly was making out with a guy. I was like, WAIT. IS THIS "REAL LIFE" OR IS THIS SBTB WHERE THEY GO TO THE PARTY AND THAT'S HER OLDER BOYFRIEND JEFF?

Remember Jeff??????? He was like Kelly's manager at that school restaurant and so fine??

The scene then cuts to Mark Paul/Zack (WHY DO SO MANY 90S ACTORS USE THEIR MIDDLE NAME) and he's drinking and I'm like, ok, maybe this is the episode where they drive home drunk and Zack crashes Belding's car into the school garage????

God, you don't realize how stupid that show was until you're writing a blog about it at 11 p.m. Labor Day Weekend.

CORRECTION: Thank you, Berea Orange.

It ended up being 'real life' and nothing happened. They just went to a Hollywood party and drank. Like, ok. Is this supposed to be shocking? Because Ellen Page coming out as a lesbian is more shocking than Disney kids partying. (Do you get it? Ellen Page being a lesbian isn't shocking at all. Ok, just want to be clear.)

At the end of the movie, the movie shows a montage of the actors from the movie's scenes. Once again, confusing and why. Screech/Dustin Diamond/Sam Kindseth updates us on what everyone did after the show went off the air.

Mario Lopez: Extra, Dancing With The Stars, marriages, etc., I'm bored.

Mark Paul: a cop show

Tiffani-Amber: She dropped the Amber

Elizabeth Berkley: please mention Showgirls, please mention Showgirls, please mention Showgirls, HE MENTIONED SHOWGIRLS. SCORE.

Lark: Christian soap operas

Dustin Diamond: "Are we going to get into how Screech did porn because that's really the only reason I'm here." -Kassidy
He has to mention the porn, he has to mention the porn, seriously mention the porn, HE DIDN'T MENTION THE PORN, I'M OUT. HOW CONVENIENT THAT YOU POINT OUT EVERYONE ELSE'S FLAWS BUT YOURS.

I would give this movie the score of a solid half-dosage of caffeine pills/I missed Bachelor in Paradise for this/I missed the build-up to the Kimye wedding for this.

I'm upset, too, Jessie.

1 comment:

  1. Just please tell me you plan on discussing the Kimye wedding. For those of us that don't have cable. We need this.