Saturday, September 6, 2014

Brittany Murphy had a weird life, according to Lifetime

I love bad TV. I love bad Lifetime movies, so yes, of course I spent my Saturday night watching the Brittany Murphy Lifetime movie.



My knowledge of Brittany Murphy is that she was in the film Just Married and that Amy Lumpkins was obsessed with it and made me watch it every weekend. But even fifth-grade me knew it was a horrible movie.



I missed about 15 minutes of the film because I live with two Baby Boomers and computers are hard. I had to fix an iTunes problem, aka Google it and actually read a discussion thread, which anyone can do, but I guess I do it best or something.

MOVING ON.

I come into the film where a creepy man is obsessed with Britt. He’s a paparazzo and he’s hitting on her and his name is Simon.

*Googling to see if Brittany marries a Simon*



Ok she did, so spoiler alert: They get married.



Also, I don’t remember a lot about Brittany Murphy, but I don’t remember people ever really caring about her like they cared about Paris, Britney or Lindsay.

But before they get married, we explore other relationships. Well, only one. According to her Wikipedia page, she was engaged twice before marrying Simon, but we only get a glimpse into her relationship with Ashton Kutcher and THANK GOD WE DID.

The actor who played Ashton Kutcher was good. Like so good I looked to see if he was actually a Kutcher. He’s not, but he’s from Addison, so now I’m like, hey all of my editors: I’ll interview him?



After Ashton voices his concerns about their relationship, Brittany says, “We were playing newlyweds in the movie (Just Married). That’s like being on a reality show and thinking the real world is going to be the same.”



Or it’s like being in a movie and thinking the real world is going to be the same. And what reality TV shows were on in 2003? This movie is bad.

We also see her get dropped from her publicist and agents after literally not responding to their phone calls for months and she’s shocked and sad and I’m like seriously?

AND THEN ISH GETS REAL.

She becomes engaged to Simon and we learn he’s a fraud and a cheat and the FBI is after him and a random woman in a restaurant warns Britt-Britt against him, but all of this can’t stop HER LOVE FOR HER MAN. She gets him out of prison, marries him because who doesn’t love a nice marriage to a criminal/a man whose nickname is Conjack???

“I guess you could say I’ve been a bit of a sociopath.” –Simon
“It’s ok. The past is the past.” –Brittany



THOSE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM THE MOVIE AND IF THAT DIALOGUE WAS EXCHANGED IRL THEN GOOD GOD BRITTANY MURPHY SEEMS LIKE A BUNCH OF GIRLS I KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL AND IDK WHY MY CAPS LOCK IS STILL ON BUT THIS MOVIE IS STUPID.

Simon, Brittany, and her mother all live in the same house because Brittany’s mother is still breastfeeding, so yaknow. And according to the movie, the house is Britney and Justin’s old home. And according to Wikipedia (which one is more of a reliable source?), they suspected mold in the house was a cause of death for Brittany and I’m like thank you mold for not taking JT from us.




This movie is all over the place. At one point, Britt, the mom and Simon are in a cafĂ© and Ashton comes in because he knew she would be there????? And asks her to audition for a role in a TV show he’s creating and I’m like are you talking about Punk’d, Ashton???? And then I’m like surely not, but then I’m like what show? Anyway, Simon says no, so really Brittany’s life was one big game of Simon Says.

the real brittany and simon.

Brittany gets fired from some movie because she slept on set and is surprised, Simon has a heart attack, Brittany gets sicks and says, "It's just a cold. I'll live" and I wonder how I've made it this far into this movie.

Then she dies.

The screen puts up some facts about the death and about how Simon later died in the same bedroom and I'll be Googling conspiracy theories all night.

http://www.sheknows.com/entertainment/articles/1023669/brittany-murphys-father-claims-she-was-poisoned

Yeah, let's just blame it on the government.

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