Sunday, September 21, 2014

My Foolproof Ways To Landing A Man in A Bar

Listen, when you're out and about on a Saturday night on the prowl for a man to tell you you're pretty, you don't have time for duds.

You need a man.*

*A guy drunk enough to think you're funny and pretty.

I've acquired some tests throughout the years to see if a guy is funny and WORTH your valuable bar time. I'm deciding to share it with y'all so I won't be the only crazy person out there.

Here are my foolproof ways to navigating men.

If a guy is wearing a baseball cap, ask him if he plays for said team. It also helps to ask if he's a certain player, but I realize this takes intense thinking on your feet and that's hard in a crowded bar, but when he looks at you like, 'No, it's just a hat,' walk away because that man will never be able to take a joke and probably wouldn't make a good husband who would help you hide a body one day. These are the things you need to look for in a man.

If he goes along with it, this is good. See how funny he's being. Did he make a funny sports joke? Did you laugh? Or did you just giggle? Can you picture yourself spending every Sunday with him for the rest of your life watching the Cowboys? 

Or did he just go off on how much he hates Alex Rodriguez? Because that's awkward and like so 2003, so we should move on. If this is the case, walk away. If he gets angry about a team he's not on, how angry do you think he's going to be when you never make him dinner and then divorce him for half his money? Point is: No one needs an angry sports fan in their life.

If a male bumps into you, he will most likely turn to you and apologize. When he does, tell him the only way you will forgive him is if he buys you a drink.*

*This has only worked once for me, but I'm all about persistence.

You want to make sure you find a man who will do anything to make you happy. If he does buy you the drink, cheers to Jodi Arias. Tell him you think she should be free. Enjoy the drink in privacy because he's now gone and you don't have to pretend to be interested in his job: commercial real estate.

Have I mentioned yet to never use your real name? You cannot be found. There is nothing worse than waking up the next morning to a Facebook request. You are always Daisy and you were born in 1998.* Wink after saying this to add to the mysteriousness.

*If this person ends up working for TABC, laugh a lot and move on to the next bar.

The last test is a tricky one. It's where you go up to a guy and try to guess which branch of the military he's in. They will try to tell you they're not in the military, but you shush him and insist on thanking him for his service. IF HE IS IN THE MILITARY, that is awkward because he may or may not have PTSD and things could get scary. Back away if that's the case, thank him for his service and move along.

Do you now feel more confident going out and looking for men? You're welcome.

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