Monday, September 1, 2014

Nicknames

Every male in a female's life has a nickname that we use when talking shiz gossiping chatting with our girlfriends.



This is why we do it:
It allows us to pretty much say anything about men in public without the fear or restriction of their mother being in the booth behind us. Because that's the last thing an innocent margaritas-at-Chili's session needs: a mother still breastfeeding her 20something-year-old son to eavesdrop and kill you.

This is why nicknames are hard:
When you have a type, all of the nicknames run together.

There's bass player.

And the other bass player.

THERE ARE SO MANY BASS PLAYERS.



"You know that guy? He's in that band and he plays bass. No, no, the other one." -how most of my conversations start off.

There was the original Dreads.

And then there's always more Dreads.

"Met a guy with dreads last night. It looked like he hadn't bathed in awhile. It was hot. There was nothing else interesting about him besides his dreads." -me



Your occupation and/or extracurricular activities can determine your nickname.

Intern.

Mascot.

Baptist Rock Star.

Motorcycle Man.

T.A.

Valet Grandpa. (You can't be like 36 and work at a valet and not be given this nickname. Sorry.)

M.D.

Your wardrobe/appearance sometimes plays a part.

Beanie.

Sneakers. (You wore horrible sneakers one time and we won't forget it.)

Sean Lowe. (I still don't know his real name because he looked too much like Sean Lowe for my friends and me to even care.)



Your behavior is also a biggie.

Angry Elf. (You can't just be short and get mad at things and not have this nickname.)



Incredibly Douchey. (If you call me incredibly annoying once, I'll call you this for the rest of your life.)

Dbag Upstairs. (This one is odd because he never actually lived above me. He actually lived below me, but I'm such an idiot and thought below me was upstairs.)

Speechless. (You left us speechless because you were so beautiful and also having a conversation with you was a little difficult because you were dumb.)

Kirby. (If your initials are A.D., which also stands for athletic director, then my brain goes to Tech's AD is Kirby Hocutt. And that's how your nickname was born. No one said it was easy. They just said it was worth it.)

You know how in Sex and the City, we didn't know Mr. Big's real name until the very last episode?


Yeah, that's not fiction. Your name in our phones is your nickname and sometimes we actually forget your real name, which leads to a problem when we try to Facebook stalk you.

Just remember this:


XOXO,
A



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