Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Things that happen when you live with your parents part 2

Part one on my old blog

Hey, I'm still living at home.

"You're living at home? I guess you're one of the smart ones." -my hairdresser, yesterday.

(P.S. My bangs are back!!!!!)

I don't know about smart, but yes, I'm still living at home, I told her. (I think people confuse being a smartass with being smart and it's like, no, I watch Teen Mom, so there's nothing smart about me.)

And living at home is great. Ice and Cheryl are lovely people. I get to hear and then tweet and blog all of the horrible things they say.

"Is Joan Rivers dead yet?" -my mother

But like anything else in life, there are some extreme struggles. EXTREME.

For instance, nothing is spontaneous. I can't just leave the house at 11 p.m. and go get a honey butter chicken biscuit from Whataburger without the house alarms going off and my father jumping out of bed, ready to kill a intruder/kidnapper.

My father also loves people telling him he looks like Magnum.

And when I do come home late, I always try to be quiet because my parents's room is right by the front door. But my father apparently loves scaring the shiz out of me.

"HEY! What did you think of the Saved by the Bell movie?"

"I think I just pooped my pants, so I'll get back to you on that one."

Or I can't just decide at 5 p.m. that I won't be eating dinner with them.

"What do you mean you won't be having dinner here tonight? I already laid out three steaks. Omaha steaks!" -my father

I'm also constantly having to explain the things on my television.

"Who is this??? Who is she marrying? I thought they were already married?" -my mother upon seeing Kim and Kanye on my TV. I had to explain that yes, in real time, they were married, but Keeping Up With The Kardashians is not a live television program, so we're just now seeing the wedding.

"Oh." -Cheryl

Also, unwanted lectures come out of nowhere. I innocently played a Taylor Swift song in the car and within seconds my parents were lecturing me.

"Paige, Taylor Swift is a genius. Nothing she does is unplanned. She controls everything." -my parents on an innocent ride to Chipotle

Ok?????????? I'm practically Taylor's biggest fan, so you don't need to convince me she's the Queen of Country Country/Pop Pop Life. I know this.

They're also so amazed by Millennials and our collective behavior.

"Do you even carry cash," they'll ask while chuckling. "Haha, what do you do if, like, they don't take a card???"

"I go to the ATM."

My father and I also don't leave our rooms, but continue to communicate. We text each other when we're no more than 40 feet apart. Talking is hard.


AND THEY PULL ME IN TWO DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. It's horrible, I tell ya. My father is a supporter of me wanting to do what I want to do and Cheryl just wants me out of the house.

"It's easier to find a job with a job." -my mother.

I'll be out as soon as I can, mom. I'll be out as soon as I can.