Saturday, September 27, 2014

Types of Men You'll Meet In A Bar

It's a Friday night and you just just just just GOT PAID and you want to go out. So you walk into the bar. You look around to see a fresh sea of men.

First things first I'm the realest and I need a drink.

1. The Bartender
You cozy your way up to the bar. You give your order: cider on tap. The bartender says, "You're too pretty to buy your own drinks. It's on me." You die. You fall in love. You envision the his and her towels in y'all's mansion. You wonder why other men can't figure out women. Buy us drinks and tell us we're pretty, like, it's not that complicated.

Then you begin filling out the divorce papers when you overhear your bartender husband call another woman sweetie. It's over. You storm off with your free drink and hold back the tears.

2. African Men
First thing you see is a group of African men. You're on the rebound from your bartender husband and you need someone to tell you you're pretty STAT. These guys are not African-American men, well yes, they're from Africa and living in America now, but they're actual, real-life Africans. You make small talk with them and realize OMG AFRICAN MEN ARE ACTUALLY THE NICEST HUMAN BEINGS ON EARTH.

Like, no wonder Christians are always going to Africa to save them and clean their water and take pictures with them for Facebook. It's not because they need it more than any other country, it's because African men are actually angels who forgot how to fly.

You chat with these African men for awhile. And then you realize they actually just need a green card. They aren't actually interested in you.

Ugh, well at least the band is playing, you think.

3. The Band
Go ahead and move past the lead singer because in the history of bands, there has never been a single lead singer. He's always dating a model and never a blogger and that's life and it's hard sometimes. Just save yourself the awkward, 'Ohhhh, what's your girlfriend's name' response and move to the other band members.

The bass player in the band is typically passionate with a lot of soul. He's soulful. He likes soul food. This is good. Everyone wants a passionate man. Their eyes are never open during a performance because they're so in tune with the music. You respect this. He tells you he has to be up early tomorrow morning to play at a black church. Wow, you think. A black church. He's so cultured. But bass players are always a little off. Kind of like a left-handed relief pitcher. Just not quite there. Soon he's telling you about some weird theory about the ocean water in Australia. Just walk away while you're kind of ahead.

4. The Gay Guy
The band was a dud, so you're walking away trying to find your friend when a very attractive, well-dressed guy stops to compliment you on your shoes. You will blush and thank him. You will then chat about all things wonderful, like shoes and TV and life, and then his boyfriend will show up. Yes, being attracted to gay men is hard.

Walking away and shaking your head in disbelief, you will finally, FINALLY, set your eyes on a nice Jewish-looking male. He has glasses, dark hair, and maybe even male parts, so he might actually be straight. He will be surrounded by friends drinking beer, some guys, some girls, and you'll begin chatting with him.

5. The Guy Who Has a Girl Friend Who Suddenly Realizes She Wants To Be A Girlfriend
Then all of a sudden like a bat out of hell, the girl friend, the girl of the friend group, will suddenly realize she's interested in your male subject. She will begin to rub his back. It will be with her fake French manicured nails. She will whisper in his ear. His eyes will roll in the back of his head. You're done. Just get up and walk away because life is awful and sometimes it takes you hitting on a guy for his friend to realize she's into him.

You will go to the bathroom and there will be a girl crying. You will also begin to cry.

Happy Saturday. Good luck out there.

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