Tuesday, October 28, 2014

JILL DUGGAR GOT MARRIED AND YOU'RE SINGLE

Ok, maybe you're not single. Maybe you're happily in love or whatever, but everyone else: JILL DUGGAR IS MARRIED AND YOU'RE SINGLE.

I missed an hour because I was watching Taylor Swift on The Voice (She doesn't really do anything on that show, but I'm a loyal friend I can say friend because she liked my Instagram photo, so I watched).

Where I came in was Jill and Derick holding hands, reading the Bible, except not really reading the Bible because they were too busy talking about how much they like each other and I was like I'm three minutes in and I can't.

While they're getting ready in separate rooms before the wedding, Jill sends a note to Derick via Jackson. Derick then sends a note back to Jill via Jackson once again. Then Jill is like No, I really need to know I'm his girl and I miss him, so she sends Derick another note via Jackson again.

POOR JACKSON IS A FREAKIN DELIVERY BOY. AND HE'S LITERALLY WEARING A NEWSBOY CAP. LIKE OK.

jackson is somewhere in there.

"Why do you want to send notes back and forth?" -Jackson

Jim Bob somehow wanders into the girls' room, where all of the Duggar women are getting ready and I'm like JIM BOB CAN U NOT?!

get out of the women's changing room, jim bob.

He tells Michelle she's a hot mama in her mother-of-the bride dress, which any MOTB dress is the ugliest dress and I don't understand why they exist. Like why can't you just wear a normal dress????

why.

Jills gets dressed in her white wedding dress and Michelle sees her and says, "Derick is just gonna....."

IMPREGNATE YOU TONIGHT???? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE DID. IF MY MATH IS CORRECT, WHICH I HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE, from Texas Tech but that's neither here nor there THEN DERICK KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING THAT NIGHT.

ok, I'm done.

Jill and Derick have their first look and I'm like LOL, they can't even hug. They're getting married and they haven't even had a frontal hug.

"The flowers are beautiful, but your face." -Derick

"Because I'm looking at you." -Jill

OK SOMEONE PLEASE COME SAVE ME. I AM WAY TOO CYNICAL FOR THIS SHIZ.

The entire family talks about Jill and Derick's first kiss in their confessional interviews and Jim Bob compares it to a present on Christmas morning and I'm like why. Why would you use that analogy?

"Saying the word 'kiss' is awkward." -Johannah, a 5-year-old

OH, THEN YOU'LL LOVE THIS INTERVIEW, JOHANNAH. YOU'LL LOVE IT. LOOK AT HER HAND ON HIS LEG. RUBBING UP AND DOWN.



Jill prepares to walk down the aisle and all of the sisters are crying and I'm like I can relate. Weddings are sad. I've never felt happy at a wedding. Ever. Like no matter who it is, I always feel sad. The music doesn't help because it's always so somber. And then I look at the bridesmaids dresses and I'm like seriously? It's 2014. Do grown women still need to dress alike and stand there crying because they know they'll never see their friend again?



"Do I have to give you away?" -Jim Bob. Yes, Jim Bob. This was your plan, if you don't remember. Remember when you flew her to Napal to meet this guy? You can't just break up with a guy after traveling across the world to meet him. I feel bad enough ending things after ice cream.

They exchanged their vows. The little girls were sitting on the steps and at some point, Josie got so bored, she just walked off. As much as I hate you, Josie, I can't blame you. If it's boring in person, how do you think it's via the TV? NOT FUN.

They said 'I do' and Jim Bob says "Derick, you can now kiss your bride." AND THEY KISS. AND IT'S AWKWARD LIKE ANY COUPLE'S FIRST KISS.



Derick went for it and Jill was hesitant and she kind of turned her head, while Derick was like WE'RE DOING THIS.

And then, I'm not exaggerating when I say this, Jill and Derick RAN out of the church. They grabbed each other's hands and ran out the door. And they kept running. Something happened with Jill's dress and someone tried to fix it, and Derick was like NO I'M HORNY. RUN.



And they kept running.

They ran to some room I'm guessing to touch each other????????????????????? I don't know???????? What do couples do after getting married when they've never even hugged???????????????

The producers interviewed them and everyone did their confessional interviews and they all said, "Practice makes progress and progress makes babies."

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME. ANYONE. SAVE ME FROM THIS. SAVE ME FROM MYSELF FOR WATCHING THIS SHOW. IS ANYONE EVEN THERE???

The reception happened. Then it ended and thank you, Jesus.

Until next time (Jessa and Ben's wedding), thank you. Or as Jim Bob says, "2 down, 17 to go." help

Monday, October 27, 2014

Taylor Swift's 1989 DECODED

I woke up at 7 a.m. this morning.

7 A.M.

I gagged twice so hard on my way to Target I thought I was going to throw up.

I didn’t. I prevailed.

I went straight to Target, picked up 1989, and was like, ‘Wow, this is an all-time low. I’m 24 and buying a Taylor Swift CD.’



I went to check out and was thankful it was a female, so maybe she would judge me less. She scans the cd, drops it, and says, ‘Ok, first we got to shake.’

AND THEN STARTS DANCING. LIKE SHE’S KRISTEN WIIG AS TARGET LADY. I WAS LIKE WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.



I was like hahah ok, give me my cd, please.

I went to work and was like, literally how are people supposed to have a normal day when Taylor Freakin’ Swift has a new album out and we don’t know the secret codes yet?

Who wants to talk about the CD with me? No one I work with. Thankfully my friends texted me throughout the day and asked me what I thought and I like people who think of me when they think of Taylor. It makes my heart happy.

If you don't know, Taylor randomly capitalizes letters in her liner notes to spell something out. But this time it was lowercase, so that was kind of a curveball we weren't expecting.

Emily prevailed and decoded everything while I watched Taylor on The Voice.



“We already know who all of these songs are about, but we’re doing it for the people. I get it. We’re like doctors." -Emily

YOU'RE WELCOME FOR SERVING, PEOPLE. Results are below.


Welcome To New York

"We begin our story in New York."
Fascinating, Taylor. A better hidden message might have been, "This song makes Sad, Beautiful, Tragic sound like a decent song." If you don't know, this song sucks, but the rest make up for it.

Blank Space

"There once was a girl known by everyone and no one."
Blank Space is the best by far and I've never identified more to a song. She sings a line, "suit and tie," so it could be about Justin Timberlake, but probably not. This song is about Harry (post Jake, and really post Conor, but no one cares about Conor, including Taylor. She dated him for his family. And the boat).





My friends agreed with me. IT'S MY JAM. IT'S THE BEST ONE ON THE ALBUM. LISTEN TO IT NOW.

Style

"Her heart belonged to someone who couldn't stay."
Style is about Harry Styles because he has that James Dean daydream look in his eyes and that long hair, slicked back, white T-shirt, and his name is Harry Styles, hence the Style.



Out Of The Woods

"They loved each other recklessly."
This song is about Harry because of her reference to two paper airplanes ("Your necklace hanging from my neck. The night we couldn't quite forget when we decided to move the furniture so we could dance, baby like we stood a chance, two paper airplanes flying") and the snowmobile crash.




Shake It Off

"She danced to forget him."

This could be Harry. This could be Jake. This could be Conor Kennedy or this could be Conor's great-uncle, JFK. We don't know. What we do know is that we haven't listened to it since the CD came out because it kind of sucks compared to the rest.

All You Had To Do Was Stay

"They paid the price."
Still Harry. Can't blame a girl. Look at that man bun.



I Wish You Would

"He drove past her street each night."
Ok, well this isn't Conor Kennedy because he's 12 and doesn't have a driver's license yet. I don't think it's Harry because I've never seen him drive????? This sounds like a Jake thing to do because if you remember he used to sit in that chair and look out into the city and think about Taylor. #IAlmostDo

Bad Blood

"She made friends and enemies."
We halfway expected it to say, "She kissed a girl." But, it didn't. We're pretty certain this is about Katy Perry. We considered Kacey Musgraves, but she's not big enough to rival Taylor. Miley? Eh. There was that Grammy performance (they performed Taylor's Fifteen and Miley botched it) and we'd like to think that means they're friends forever. All sources lead to Katy.

Wildest Dreams

"He only saw her in his dreams."
"He's so tall and handsome as hell. He's so bad and does it so well."
We think this is about Harry because he's a bad boy. But Google says he's 5'11. Jake is 6'. Cory Monteith is 6'4, but not handsome as hell. But then she sings, "You'll see my in hindsight, tangled up with you all night burning it down." So, there's a possibility that it's about Jason Aldean??? But she also sings about a last kiss, so it could be about Joe Jonas because her song Last Kiss was about him and I just hope she's still singing about him because LOL.

We'll go with Harry.




How You Get The Girl

"Then one day he came back."
From everything we read, Harry and Taylor were together, and then broke up, and then he came back and she couldn't resist him because hello, Harry.



This Love
"Timing is a funny thing."
Wish it were funnier.

I Know Places

"And everyone was watching."
"They are the hunters, we are the foxes."
We're still going with Harry for this one because of that one line. And remember that sweater? FOX.



Clean
"She lost him but found herself and somehow that was everything."
But nothing at all. We're going to need you to stop growing up because no one likes a mature Taylor Swift who keeps her personal life personal.

This is the end.

WE'RE DONE AND WE'RE EXHAUSTED. DID YOU LEARN ANYTHING??? You should have learned that each song's hidden message is a part of a bigger story. Read it all together. It's dumb.

We're not really done. We're headed to the car to drive around and listen to the CD and there may or may not be tears I don't know.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

My friends threw me a surprise party and I was stupid enough to fall for it

My birthday was Wednesday and if you didn't get me a gift, there's still time.

I like chocolate and flowers and diamonds.

donald glover: everyone's favorite black guy.

But I was in Hawaii on my actual birthday because I'm a spoiled white girl, so I was stuck with the ocean and hairless Polynesian men and not Garland's scenery and my not-so-hairless friends (My friends love talking about body hair, sorry).



So once I was back in town, I was determined to not eat another meal with my parents because hello, parental overload, and so I texted Kassidy to eat with me.

She readily agreed and decided on Gloria's in Addison, which should have been a warning sign because really, who eats in Addison and Kassidy never makes decisions that quickly.

While I was getting ready for dinner, still thinking it's just going to be the two of us, Cayla texted something interesting in a brand new group text.



AND I FELL FOR IT.

She was referring to dinner reservations, but accidentally included me in the group text, and then played it off like she was talking about Aaron Carter tickets. AARON CARTER. I BELIEVED IT.

I believed it so much I went and looked up Aaron Carter tickets to see if it was true that you couldn't buy them, saw that you can buy a meet-and-greet package for $77 and fell for it all.



Kassidy came and picked me up and we headed to Gloria's.

I walk to the hostess stand and tell her two.

Then Kassidy is all like, No, we're meeting people and I'm like....



AND THEN EVERYONE AND THEIR DOG WAS THERE AND I WAS LIKE WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE???

Katie was there, who I haven't seen since 2007 because of nursing school.

Eleanor was there, who I haven't seen since before the Cold War.



Nick Hance was there, who is a Hance, so I automatically want to marry him.



Cayla was there, and she's pretty.



I drank two margaritas, ate enchiladas, got Mexican sauce all over my white shirt, and was about done.

Until Cayla said, 'There's one more surprise.'

I was like, I can't handle anymore surprises. Is it a lap dance? Did someone buy me a puppy? Is Kent Hance here? I can't. I just can't.

And then the waiter did his typical waiter thing and brought over a cake with a candle in it.

EXCEPT NOTHING ABOUT IT WAS TYPICAL BECAUSE THIS MAN SPOON FED ME A BIT OF THE CAKE AND THEN KISSED ME.



HE KISSED ME. ON THE CHEEK. THIS MEXICAN RESTAURANT WAITER KISSED ME AFTER SPOON FEEDING ME.



I scarfed down the cake (It was like a mix between moose and flan. Basically it was disgusting, but free, so I ate) and then we headed to Sherlock's, where I drank some more.

Not everyone made it over to Sherlock's and at the end, it was just us lone survivors of the night: Me, Katie, Kassidy, and Cayla.

We I drank and watched some rock concert on stage.

These guys, or girls, who knows, sang some rock songs from the 80s and the lead singer, I'm not even joking, gave me such a sultry look from the stage, I thought I became pregnant. To show him I appreciated him, I went to the front by the stage and danced and whipped my hair. Most of this was done alone, unless I could drag Cayla up there with me.




The child is due in nine months and lawd knows this man ain't going to support the child, so I'm starting a Kickstarter campaign so everyone else can pay for my baby.

If you want to read about my friend Augusta's take on a white girl's birthday, click here.

Thank you.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Being a Taylor Swift fangirl is exhausting and I'm tired

Sometimes this blog feels like my third boob. Like, how unattractive can I make myself to the opposite sex until they don’t want to date me?



The reason I say this is because Taylor Swift’s fifth album comes out Monday and this past week has been stressful.



Like, so stressful, keeping up with Taylor feels like another job.

Being a fangirl isn’t easy. And honestly no one said it was going to be easy, they just said it was going to be worth it (By worth it, I mean there’s a chance Taylor will invite you to her house and let you listen to the album, or ya know, she’ll like your Instagram pic).



There are magazines to buy, interviews to watch, performances to memorize until you know the choreography perfectly, and reviews to read.



She’s on The Voice (which in it of itself is going to be too much to handle among her, Pharrell, Adam Levine, and Blake Shelton all on one show), The Ellen Show, Letterman (murder me), and a bunch of other things I don’t have time to list.



The magazine interviews are important because they’re beginning to focus around her being a feminist, which is like, hey, Tay, how are you just now realizing you’re a feminist? You run your own company, you’re literally your own manager, your mom named you Taylor so if you grew up to be a businesswoman, people wouldn’t know your gender by your business card, and yet, it took Lena Dunham telling you you’re a feminist for you to realize it??????? Ok.



My sister asked me why I like her so much and I was like what is there not to like?????????? She’s talented, nice, and pretty, and that’s really what I look for in my pop stars.



The week leading up to the album release makes me anxious because I’m scared it’s going to suck. I’ve read all of the reviews from legit publications and I’m just scared. She’s leaving country behind and becoming pop???? What does that mean????? Does that just mean she’s popular?????? Is she finally cheer captain and not on the bleachers?????? 



What if I’m physically not ready for that????? What if I miss the Taylor who faked an accent and sang about riding in pick-up trucks with boys who listen to Tim McGraw????? Does Harry Styles even know who Tim McGraw is?????? Does he need to know??????

he doesn't need to know anything.

What I do know is Shake If Off is an OK song, Out Of The Woods is fantastic, and Welcome To New York sucks so many balls, I actually can’t (I’ve listened to that song one and a half times and was like nope). This is disappointing because she wrote it with Ryan Tedder and we all know how I feel about Ryan Tedder: feminine, loves Jesus, and sings. I feel good. That’s how I feel about him.

god bless him.

After reading all of the reviews for 1989, I then go back and read what that publication had to say about Red just to see if they can be trusted. Red was her best album to date and All Too Well was obviously her best song because it was five minutes long and she sang about plaid shirts. (I vividly remember listening to that song for the first time while waiting for my boyfriend at the airport and when he got there, I was like, I’m not sure if I like you anymore. And my friend Cayla said when she listens to it, she also thinks about breaking up with her boyfriend. It’s THAT good.) So if the review mentions that, then I know to trust what they say is this album’s best song.



And then I read reviews where they give away some of the lyrics, including “His hand is in my hair and his clothes are in my room” and I’m like…



Oh????????????? So we’re getting sexy now, Tay??????????? Were your hands in his hair??????????? Were his clothes on his body??????????

Also from what I’ve read, Welcome To New York is the worst on the album, so that’s the good news (like really, really good news because that song sucks so much I want to actually die). The bad news is I don’t think there’s going to be a Cory Monteith death song (maybe Taylor played Welcome To New York for Cory and then he decided to overdose. Too soon????), so like really what’s the point in making an album? Taylor Swift can make a breakup seem like a death, so I was really looking forward to seeing how dramatic she could make death.

they hugged meaning they dated.

Also, I’m scared because I actually like Harry Styles and he’s most likely the subject of most of the songs.



Other ex-boyfriends of Tay, I’ve been like, Oh, screw ‘em. Joe Jonas- your mom sucks. Shut up. Taylor Lautner- you’re not that hot. John Mayer- karma is a bia. Jake Gyllenhaal- you didn’t show up to her 21st birthday, so you deserve to die.



But Harry??????? Harry?????? He’s so nice. And by nice, I mean incredibly hot.



I buy every magazine Taylor is on the cover of (Do you see where I’m getting at that this blog is my third boob and no man is ever going to marry me?).



I watch every interview and try to decide if she’s funny (I’ve concluded she’s not that funny, but I’m a firm believer in the fact that you can’t be funny and pretty), and I watch every performance to decide what areas she needs to improve on (none, she’s flawless). 



Like, do I have a problem?????????? Is anyone there?????????? Does anyone want to date me????????



The album comes out Monday and I have to work, but as soon as I get off, I’m decoding the linear notes because that’s what I do. Look forward to that blog post. Like, literally. Set a reminder. Subscribe to this blog so you’ll get an email so you won’t have to come on Facebook and read about that girl from middle school’s boyfriend, who just got out of jail, bought her a Coach purse and then suddenly realize you went on Facebook for my blog because that’s the only good thing about Facebook (besides stalking your ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend). Bye.