Saturday, October 25, 2014

Being a Taylor Swift fangirl is exhausting and I'm tired

Sometimes this blog feels like my third boob. Like, how unattractive can I make myself to the opposite sex until they don’t want to date me?

The reason I say this is because Taylor Swift’s fifth album comes out Monday and this past week has been stressful.

Like, so stressful, keeping up with Taylor feels like another job.

Being a fangirl isn’t easy. And honestly no one said it was going to be easy, they just said it was going to be worth it (By worth it, I mean there’s a chance Taylor will invite you to her house and let you listen to the album, or ya know, she’ll like your Instagram pic).

There are magazines to buy, interviews to watch, performances to memorize until you know the choreography perfectly, and reviews to read.

She’s on The Voice (which in it of itself is going to be too much to handle among her, Pharrell, Adam Levine, and Blake Shelton all on one show), The Ellen Show, Letterman (murder me), and a bunch of other things I don’t have time to list.

The magazine interviews are important because they’re beginning to focus around her being a feminist, which is like, hey, Tay, how are you just now realizing you’re a feminist? You run your own company, you’re literally your own manager, your mom named you Taylor so if you grew up to be a businesswoman, people wouldn’t know your gender by your business card, and yet, it took Lena Dunham telling you you’re a feminist for you to realize it??????? Ok.

My sister asked me why I like her so much and I was like what is there not to like?????????? She’s talented, nice, and pretty, and that’s really what I look for in my pop stars.

The week leading up to the album release makes me anxious because I’m scared it’s going to suck. I’ve read all of the reviews from legit publications and I’m just scared. She’s leaving country behind and becoming pop???? What does that mean????? Does that just mean she’s popular?????? Is she finally cheer captain and not on the bleachers?????? 

What if I’m physically not ready for that????? What if I miss the Taylor who faked an accent and sang about riding in pick-up trucks with boys who listen to Tim McGraw????? Does Harry Styles even know who Tim McGraw is?????? Does he need to know??????

he doesn't need to know anything.

What I do know is Shake If Off is an OK song, Out Of The Woods is fantastic, and Welcome To New York sucks so many balls, I actually can’t (I’ve listened to that song one and a half times and was like nope). This is disappointing because she wrote it with Ryan Tedder and we all know how I feel about Ryan Tedder: feminine, loves Jesus, and sings. I feel good. That’s how I feel about him.

god bless him.

After reading all of the reviews for 1989, I then go back and read what that publication had to say about Red just to see if they can be trusted. Red was her best album to date and All Too Well was obviously her best song because it was five minutes long and she sang about plaid shirts. (I vividly remember listening to that song for the first time while waiting for my boyfriend at the airport and when he got there, I was like, I’m not sure if I like you anymore. And my friend Cayla said when she listens to it, she also thinks about breaking up with her boyfriend. It’s THAT good.) So if the review mentions that, then I know to trust what they say is this album’s best song.

And then I read reviews where they give away some of the lyrics, including “His hand is in my hair and his clothes are in my room” and I’m like…

Oh????????????? So we’re getting sexy now, Tay??????????? Were your hands in his hair??????????? Were his clothes on his body??????????

Also from what I’ve read, Welcome To New York is the worst on the album, so that’s the good news (like really, really good news because that song sucks so much I want to actually die). The bad news is I don’t think there’s going to be a Cory Monteith death song (maybe Taylor played Welcome To New York for Cory and then he decided to overdose. Too soon????), so like really what’s the point in making an album? Taylor Swift can make a breakup seem like a death, so I was really looking forward to seeing how dramatic she could make death.

they hugged meaning they dated.

Also, I’m scared because I actually like Harry Styles and he’s most likely the subject of most of the songs.

Other ex-boyfriends of Tay, I’ve been like, Oh, screw ‘em. Joe Jonas- your mom sucks. Shut up. Taylor Lautner- you’re not that hot. John Mayer- karma is a bia. Jake Gyllenhaal- you didn’t show up to her 21st birthday, so you deserve to die.

But Harry??????? Harry?????? He’s so nice. And by nice, I mean incredibly hot.

I buy every magazine Taylor is on the cover of (Do you see where I’m getting at that this blog is my third boob and no man is ever going to marry me?).

I watch every interview and try to decide if she’s funny (I’ve concluded she’s not that funny, but I’m a firm believer in the fact that you can’t be funny and pretty), and I watch every performance to decide what areas she needs to improve on (none, she’s flawless). 

Like, do I have a problem?????????? Is anyone there?????????? Does anyone want to date me????????

The album comes out Monday and I have to work, but as soon as I get off, I’m decoding the linear notes because that’s what I do. Look forward to that blog post. Like, literally. Set a reminder. Subscribe to this blog so you’ll get an email so you won’t have to come on Facebook and read about that girl from middle school’s boyfriend, who just got out of jail, bought her a Coach purse and then suddenly realize you went on Facebook for my blog because that’s the only good thing about Facebook (besides stalking your ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend). Bye.

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