Sunday, October 26, 2014

My friends threw me a surprise party and I was stupid enough to fall for it

My birthday was Wednesday and if you didn't get me a gift, there's still time.

I like chocolate and flowers and diamonds.

donald glover: everyone's favorite black guy.

But I was in Hawaii on my actual birthday because I'm a spoiled white girl, so I was stuck with the ocean and hairless Polynesian men and not Garland's scenery and my not-so-hairless friends (My friends love talking about body hair, sorry).



So once I was back in town, I was determined to not eat another meal with my parents because hello, parental overload, and so I texted Kassidy to eat with me.

She readily agreed and decided on Gloria's in Addison, which should have been a warning sign because really, who eats in Addison and Kassidy never makes decisions that quickly.

While I was getting ready for dinner, still thinking it's just going to be the two of us, Cayla texted something interesting in a brand new group text.



AND I FELL FOR IT.

She was referring to dinner reservations, but accidentally included me in the group text, and then played it off like she was talking about Aaron Carter tickets. AARON CARTER. I BELIEVED IT.

I believed it so much I went and looked up Aaron Carter tickets to see if it was true that you couldn't buy them, saw that you can buy a meet-and-greet package for $77 and fell for it all.



Kassidy came and picked me up and we headed to Gloria's.

I walk to the hostess stand and tell her two.

Then Kassidy is all like, No, we're meeting people and I'm like....



AND THEN EVERYONE AND THEIR DOG WAS THERE AND I WAS LIKE WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE???

Katie was there, who I haven't seen since 2007 because of nursing school.

Eleanor was there, who I haven't seen since before the Cold War.



Nick Hance was there, who is a Hance, so I automatically want to marry him.



Cayla was there, and she's pretty.



I drank two margaritas, ate enchiladas, got Mexican sauce all over my white shirt, and was about done.

Until Cayla said, 'There's one more surprise.'

I was like, I can't handle anymore surprises. Is it a lap dance? Did someone buy me a puppy? Is Kent Hance here? I can't. I just can't.

And then the waiter did his typical waiter thing and brought over a cake with a candle in it.

EXCEPT NOTHING ABOUT IT WAS TYPICAL BECAUSE THIS MAN SPOON FED ME A BIT OF THE CAKE AND THEN KISSED ME.



HE KISSED ME. ON THE CHEEK. THIS MEXICAN RESTAURANT WAITER KISSED ME AFTER SPOON FEEDING ME.



I scarfed down the cake (It was like a mix between moose and flan. Basically it was disgusting, but free, so I ate) and then we headed to Sherlock's, where I drank some more.

Not everyone made it over to Sherlock's and at the end, it was just us lone survivors of the night: Me, Katie, Kassidy, and Cayla.

We I drank and watched some rock concert on stage.

These guys, or girls, who knows, sang some rock songs from the 80s and the lead singer, I'm not even joking, gave me such a sultry look from the stage, I thought I became pregnant. To show him I appreciated him, I went to the front by the stage and danced and whipped my hair. Most of this was done alone, unless I could drag Cayla up there with me.




The child is due in nine months and lawd knows this man ain't going to support the child, so I'm starting a Kickstarter campaign so everyone else can pay for my baby.

If you want to read about my friend Augusta's take on a white girl's birthday, click here.

Thank you.

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