Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Duggar Kids Broken Down

If you’ve ever read this blog, you’ve probably read about the Duggar children. Basically this couple, Jim Bob and Michelle, met, fell in love, got married and had 19, NINETEEN, children together.

They don’t believe in birth control or sleeping in separate beds blah blah blah. Now they have a reality show because they’re conservative Baptists and don’t believe in hugging before marriage.

Because I’m a loyal Duggar watcher, I know all things Duggar and what each kid brings to the very large Duggar table.

Josh- Josh is a fat lard who can’t stick to a diet to save his life. He’s the first born and also the first one to leave the nest. He married Anna and now they have three kids together (all their names start with an M) and they’re annoying.


Jana- Jana is an angel who forgot how to fly. She was Jill’s maid of honor and also had to tailor all of the bridesmaids’ dresses, WHICH WAS A PAIN IN THE BUTT BECAUSE THEY HAD TO BE COVERED FROM HEAD TO TOE. Jana is the oldest girl and not married, in a courtship, or anything, and this is sad because she’s nice. (Duggar kids aren't allowed to move out until they're married, so guys, step up. She needs out.)

John David- John David is the second oldest male and the one I am going after. I need to be famous and he’s my only way in. John David, I’m a nice girl who would make an excellent Duggar. Paige Duggar.

Jill- Jill recently got married to Derick Dillard and is pretty annoying. She has a servant’s heart and has been looking for her Boaz for a LONG time. Finally, he came to her via Jim Bob and she flew across the world to meet him. They were married three days later and are now expecting.

Jessa- Jessa has always been my favorite. It’s important to note my GPS is named after her (remember when people had GPSes and didn’t use their iPhones? That’s how long I’ve been a Jessa fan). She’s a little rebellious because she didn’t kiss her husband in front of everyone for the first time and she also doesn’t really like her dad.


Jinger- Jinger is that slightly annoying sister who follows her older sisters around. It’s reported that right after Jessa and Ben got married, she walked in on them doing the deed. Like, ok, Jinger.

Joseph and Josiah- Both of these boys are a little gay and I enjoy that. Not like gay, gay, just enough gay for me to take notice. I like my Duggar men a little gay.

Joy Anna- Joy Anna is cool. She’s the youngest of the older girls, but totally doesn’t care. She has her own style and refuses to curl her hair. JOY ANNA, YOU DO YOU, GIRL.

Jedidiah and Jeremiah- They are twins, I’m pretty sure. Don’t quote me on that. One of them has curly hair and isn’t very cute, but I respect him.

Jason- Jason hates everyone and I appreciate that. No one cares about the 12th kid and that’s the sad truth. We wish he got more attention, but it’s the 12th-kid syndrome. Sorry.

James- I’m sure you’re lovely, James, but I don’t know who you are.

Justin- I don’t know who Justin is. Sorry.

Jackson- You may remember Jackson because he was Jill and Derick’s personal delivery boy on their wedding day. They spent one hour apart while they got ready and couldn’t stand it. They had Jackson send notes back and forth.

Johannah- Johannah is adorable.

Jennifer- The only interesting thing about Jennifer is her name is Jennifer and she’s the 17th child. THEY CHOSE JINGER AS A J NAME BEFORE JIM BOB AND MICHELLE PULLED THEIR HEADS OUT OF THEIR BUTTS AND REALIZED JENNIFER WAS A PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE J NAME. I’m not mad.

Jordyn- Jordyn got jipped because we all thought she was going to be the baby. Well that didn’t happen because Jim Bob couldn’t resist Michelle and we got Josie. I’m sorry, Jordyn.

Josie- Josie is the queen bitch and we hate her. We all wish she would go away, but she doesn’t. She’s always popping up during the worst times and talking about how cute her sisters’ boyfriends are. She’s going to have an affair with one of her sister’s husbands. Or she’s going to be a stripper. I look forward to either. God bless.


Amy Duggar, the cousin- She wears jeans and kisses boys and moved to Nashville to chase a country music dream and Jim Bob probably thinks all of his kids are going to hell the more they hang out with her. Amy Duggar is my hero.

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  1. My name, my middle name, and both of my sisters' names are all (kind of) Duggar names. This must mean something!!!

    1. It means your parents and the duggar parents like "J" names :p

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  3. Thank you for making me laugh really loud when my kids are sleeping late at night like a total nerd.