Monday, November 10, 2014

Girls' Room

Boys, men, gentlemen, douchebags, I'M CALLING ALL MALES, do you ever wonder what happens in the women's bathroom?

rest in peace, amanda bynes.

Do you believe all of the lies/truths like we hold our special club meetings there and there are sofas and men fanning us and does anyone actually think this or am I just rambling?

A LOT happens in the girls' bathroom. I don't know what happens in the men's bathroom because I've only been inside one once and that was at a Chicken Express in Seymour, Texas, and sometimes my life is low.

There is always at least one girl in the bathroom crying. She's crying because she's too drunk and just wants Jack In The Box. She's crying because some dude didn't show up that night. She's crying because the bartender got her order wrong. She's just really emotional and she's crying and there are two things you can do if you're a bystander.

1) Console her. Tell her she's pretty. We all need to hear that once in awhile. Tell her he's a scumbag even if you don't know him. Chances are he is. Whatever you do, don't cry with her. Once there are two crying females in the bathroom, bouncers and bar owners start getting involved and nobody likes a good crying-party to be busted.

2) Go potty and move on. This is a safe bet, but it also makes you look like a B-word. She may be drunk, but she'll remember your face, so next time she sees you in need, whether that be on the street, in a bar, at work, she'll most likely do what you did: potty and move on.

Listen, I remember my first beer, too. It's scary and sometimes you go overboard. Sometimes you just can't wait to get home to vomit your brains out. There are two kinds of vomit, however.

1) Vomit and party on. This is a classic. It just wasn't good and you can feel it coming up, so you run to the bathroom, vomit, and while you're vomiting, you think your night is over. IT MAY NOT BE. Stand back up and how do you feel? Good? Continue partying.

2) You're-literally-done-for-the-night-and-possibly-for-the-weekend vomit. Yeah, it's not looking good for that girl. Hand her some water and make sure she has a friend who isn't you.

Hooking up
I've only seen this once and it scarred me for life. I just saw four boots in one bathroom stall and was like OH. I bet they aren't playing Uno, but I don't know, Uno is kind of fun in the bathroom sometimes, not that I've ever tried that, but it seems plausible and sometimes playing Uno with people around is distracting, so maybe they were playing Uno, you know?

There is a lot of talking happening in the bathroom and you've probably been the subject of girls' bathroom talk at one point or another. In fact, your name could be written on the wall. We discuss everything. EVERYTHING.

He did what?

He's with who?

She's wearing that?

And sometimes, SOMETIMES, you'll accidentally meet another girl in the bathroom who you swap stories with. You could be seeing a guy with the most common name and say his name in the bathroom in front of other girls, and they will know who you're referring to.

You've dated him, too???? And he's cheap???? And is still hung up on his ex-girlfriend from middle school? Ok, ok, ok. This has been eye-opening and thank you for your service, random girl in the bathroom.

Bathrooms are a scary and sacred place. Sorry, men, you're not allowed.

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