Monday, November 3, 2014

How to ditch a boring man in a bar

Hey, y'all.

I bought this domain name. So when you're telling all of your friends and family about how funny this blog is, no need to include the "blogspot" nonsense. You can just be like, "!"

It was a spur-of-the-moment decision and sometimes I really regret it and sometimes I'm like, no, this is good. (My inner thoughts are extremely complex and something you'll never understand.)

ANYWAY, I've already guided everyone on picking up a man in a bar. It was foolproof and if you followed my steps and aren't married yet, it's your problem, not mine.

But this is what nobody talks about: how to get rid of them once you've picked them up. Nothing lasts forever (I heard that in a Taylor Swift song once, so I'm assuming it's true).


There will come in a time in your life in the night that you realize you hate the male you've been speaking with all night and it's time to depart.

He either spilled his beer on you or is talking way too much about the housing market or doesn't think you're funny. Nothing is your fault. He just simply cannot keep up with you and your wit and beauty.

First, there's the runaway tactic.

This is the easiest way to go about things, but remember when Ziggy or Jimi Hendrix or Bob Marley or someone said something about things being easy aren't worth it? Light up a blunt and follow that quote right now. Because running away is not always the answer.

You need a plan. Something that says, 'I've enjoyed speaking to you and learning about the Texas legal system and how you carry around your BAR card and I respect you.' But I'd rather drink my beer alone than fake laugh at one more joke of yours.

So you text you friend. The text says, "911."


911 is a safe text to use because if the male happens to see you sending it, you can simply tell them that your friend forgot the police's number.

Your in-case-of-emergency friend (or ICE as we sometimes call them) will approach you and tell you either:

  • a) They are going to buy you and only you a shot.
  • b) John just arrived and you need to greet him.

OBVIOUSLY, your friend isn't really going to buy you a shot because life isn't always fair. But they will get you away in a timely manner.

Also, OBVIOUSLY, John isn't really there. Are you following? John is a fictional character you've made up for this occasion. John does not exist except in your dreams.

This is a safe plan that everyone should exercise at least once in their lifetime.

The other option is COMPLICATED and takes years of practice. So lean in and read carefully, please.

This is the bathroom-relay-swap-exchange-conversation-quickly. It's a long name and even longer procedure.

you but not Kenyan.

This is where your friend goes to the bathroom first. It's important you do not go with her because that's obvious and men don't like to be told things straight-up. They like being in the dark about things.

When your friend is walking back from the bathroom, that's when your bladder starts screaming EMPTY ME, EMPTY ME. So on your way to the bathroom and when your friend is on her way out, you strategize with your friend how to get out of conversation with the boring man.

It's important to not have this discussion in the bathroom because you never know who is hiding behind the stalls. There are typically women in there going potty or crying or both. And sometimes they know the guy you're talking about. THIS IS A RED ALERT. (This has happened to my friends and me once before, so I'm not just making things up to try and teach you a lesson. I'm not a teacher or a preacher and do that for a living. I'm a blogger. And I don't lie.)

If for some reason you do end up having the conversation in the bathroom, USE NICKNAMES. I REPEAT USE NICKNAMES.

His name is not Trent. His name is Yeti A-Hole.

And finally, if all of that fails, then you need to look him in the eye and tell him you are leaving the bar. This is a last resort kind of thing because like I said, lying is always better and more fun. Nobody wants to have a normal night out on the town and walk away with dignity. It's important to keep everyone on their toes and guessing.

Do you feel better equipped?

Go get 'em, ladies.


  1. I was on holiday (or vacation to you) a few weeks ago and told a creeper that I was leaving the next morning and so had to leave him and his shitty conversation immediately. Then the next night I'm in a different bar AND THE SAME CREEPER WALKS IN. I just gave him the "sorry who? no that wasn't me... I have a very common face, I get that all the time, definitely was NOT me..."

    It's an exhausting and tough life.