Tuesday, November 11, 2014

I don't understand LinkedIn

No, but really. Like, what is it?

what.

I love social media. Social media loves me. I am social media. Brad Paisley follows me on Twitter and Taylor Swift liked my Instagram photo and I will never stop talking about that.

But what the eff is LinkedIn and what am I supposed to do with it? It's like the social network for Baby Boomers. They love this ish.

old people on linkedin.

[Background: One day at work at my college newspaper, I convinced everyone to get a LinkedIn because we were young professionals, kind of, not really, who needed to be taken seriously, aka get a LinkedIn. I regret that decision because now I get an email every other day telling me someone got a new job or when they change their professional headshot photo or when they use the company's potty.]

It's exhausting and I don't get it.

Twitter is fun because Jodi Arias is on Twitter and it's funny.

Facebook is horrible but essential, kind of like wearing a bra. It's horrible because people like to share links like "This young man killed his grandmother and then ate her ashes. The reason will blow your mind and make you want to give him a hug." It's essential because stalking. You don't really know someone until you explore every inch of their Facebook.



I don't know why, but in the last couple of days, I have gotten a flood of connection requests on LinkedIn from people I don't know. Who are you? Why do you want to connect with me? Does this benefit me in any way, shape, or form?



Like this guy:



Oh, well I'll be able to help you out????? I'm an established journalist???? I have the "in?????"

I make like 14 cents per story. I'm no help.

Or this guy who can't spell experienced:



Also, tell me why I'm connected to two, TWO, ex-boyfriends on this social networking site. It's painful enough to see them on Facebook, but now I need to know how their career is going????

I've never worked with an ex-boyfriend, so what good does it to any of us to be connected on LinkedIn???? If a potential employer asks me about them, do I say, 'They were a horrible boyfriend, but once took me to a fantastic restaurant, so I'm sure your company will benefit, especially if you're looking for someone who knows good restaurants in town.' Do I say that????? DO I SAY THAT?????

What LinkedIn would look like if I could accurately endorse ex-boyfriends:



Also, why am I connected to some guy who I went to school with. And by I went to school with, I remember my the last conversation I had with him. We were in EIGHTH GRADE English class and we were talking about his middle school girlfriend. Like, ok?????? Let's reconnect via LinkedIn?????

I just don't understand it. Help.

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