Monday, November 17, 2014

PMS's Definitive Ranking of DCOM

Isaac Villalobos requested this blog post and because I'll do anything to be liked, here it is. If you disagree, let me know and I'll consider rearranging.

22. High School Musical 2
Easily the weakest in the High School Musical trilogy, which is typical of sophomore anything. I think I've seen it a total of once and all I remember is this moment and I was like no.



21. Gotta Kick It Up!
This movie featured a bunch of Spanish-speaking cheerleaders who shouted something in Spanish every other scene. It was basically Disney Channel saying, 'Yeah! We're cultured. We're cool with Mexicans!' This was also the movie that introduced America to America Ferrera pre-Ugly Betty. I don't know, this movie was kind of bad yet so good.



20. Eddie's Million Dollar Cook-Off
This was the last DCOM I saw and all I remember about it was that it featured baseball and hot dogs, so based off that right there, I'd give 8 stars out of 10.

19. Seventeen Again
This movie is basically the black version of Zac Efron's 17 Again, except one of the Lowry twins switches places with her grandmother, not her dad like Zac did. I think both twins are in this movie, but I don't really know. I don't know.

18. Tru Confessions
This one is like really, really sad. I feel like a lot of Shia LaBeouf's issues today stem from this role, I don't know. He plays a mentally ill kid and it's sad and I'm sad just writing about it.

ohmygosh. too sad. i can't.

17. Pixel Perfect
This one is the haziest of them all, but I'm about 83 percent certain I've seen it. The cute guy from Phil of the Future makes himself a girlfriend who isn't real? The only reason this one is even on the list is because 13-year-old me loved me this guy/24-year-old me is like, OK.

hey.

16. Luck of the Irish
I'm not positive I've ever seen this movie. My knowledge of it is the main character grows pointy ears and probably clogs, I don't know.

15. Motorcrossed
This is not the same movie as Brink, in case you didn't know. It's confusing because a girl dresses up to look like a boy to compete in a motorcrossed competition.

14. Brink
This movie can be confused with Motorcrossed because the main guy kind of looks like a girl, which is totally and completely hot, I mean we know how I feel about feminine men. But this movie is about rollerblading and it made me want to grow up to date a guy who rollerblades, which is actually kind of the best foreshadowing to my life ever.



13. Life Size
What is better than Lindsay Lohan and Tyra Banks in one movie? I'll tell you what. Nothing. NOTHING. Tyra Banks starts out as a doll and then she becomes a human and apparently there's going to be a sequel, which is going to be the biggest shit show known to mankind and I can't wait.

12. Life Size 2
This hasn't aired yet, but see previous. It's going to be as bad as anything Tyra Banks and Lindsay Lohan has done in the past decade, aka BAD.

11. Camp Rock
All you need to know about this movie is Jonas Brothers + Demi Lovato + singing and dancing = Greatness.

10. High School Musical
You can't have a DCOM list without HSM. You just can't. It's a good movie. But I always had more of a crush on the Sharpay's gay brother rather than Troy, which once again, is really, really sad.

9. Quints
This was basically Jon and Kate Plus 8 before it was a thing. A girl wishes for a sibling and then she gets five and then she's mad because no one is paying attention to her. I think that was the storyline.

8. Cadet Kelly
Hilary Duff is a spoiled daddy's girl and that's a big no-no, so off to army camp she goes. Christy Carlson Romano is her army boss and they hate each other, but everything turns out to be OK because they do an army dance in the end and your 14-year-old self FLIPS OUT.

do people in the military really do this.

7. Model Behavior
A model and a frumpy girl switch places and one gets to date Justin Timberlake. If I'm not mistaken, this was JT's first movie role and he's so, so, so, so bad in it. I think this movie also has Kathy Lee Gifford in it, which is humorous.



6. The Cheetah Girls
This is based on a true story about four girls in a all-girl group who are just trying to chase the dream. The head honcho ends up turning on them and they have to go on without her. Spoiler alert: One ends up becoming a lesbian, another dates Rob Kardashian, which is basically the same thing, and the third one can't even win Dancing With The Stars. It basically ends in tragedy.



5. Right on Track
Lucy from 7th Heaven was in this movie and it took my claustrophobia to another level every time she squeezed into that little race car of hers. This movie was emotional because she was a girl and girls can't race cars or something like that.

4. Stuck in the Suburbs
This movie starred Taran Killam before his SNL days and no other DCOM spoke more to me than this movie. It's about a young white girl who just wants to date a pop star and I'm like ok.

3. Zenon
Everyone wanted to be Zenon because she was cool, futuristic and blonde. She talked to a computer and used those airport-automated-walkways to get around and everything about her was so, so cool and you were all like, I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE FUTURE. And now you're like LOL.

2. Double Teamed
The mom in this movie was a Phillips daughter, so you knew right away it was going to be kind of a hot mess. But it wasn't really. Two twin daughters (who looked nothing alike) were star basketball players (even though they were white) and they sometimes didn't get along, but ultimately, they went on to play in the WNBA or something, I don't know.

1. The Even Stevens Movie
I don't know, maybe Shia LaBeouf should have stuck to DCOM because he kills it every time. This movie is so, so good. The family is on a reality show the entire time and don't even know it??? HAHA! COMEDY ENSUES!!! And there's a squirrel that attacks Louis and Beans is such a goober and Ren has a stick up her ass and OMG!



Did I miss any? Let me know. I'm sure y'all will.

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