Saturday, November 22, 2014

The Scariest Story Of All-Time

Nowhere is safe.

You can't trust anyone.

Watch your back.

This is a scary story I will soon tell around campfires and at slumber parties and to my grandchildren one day to warn them of the dangers of the human race. I need everyone to grab their Snuggie and some popcorn because you're about to read a very, very, very, very scary story.



I was at Pete's Piano Bar after a horribly unfunny comedy show at the Addison Improv, hanging out/singing/dancing with some people.

Boys, girls, etc. Everyone was there.

Kassidy and I excused ourselves like the ladies we are and went to the bathroom to, you know, go potty and chat where we could actually hear each other.

I don't remember what we talked about. I seriously don't. I remember saying about one sentence and that was it. I also remember not being able to hear Kassidy in the stall next to me, so who knows what she said.

After leaving the piano bar that night, I receive a text.




God help us all.

But first, WHO THE EFF IS THIS GIRL?

She's a stranger, who doesn't know me or the person she told, so literally, mind your own business.



Secondly, GO POTTY AND DON'T LISTEN TO STRANGE GIRLS TALK ABOUT SOMEONE IN THE BATHROOM. If you do, GO HOME AND BLOG ABOUT IT. TWEET IT. WRITE IT IN YOUR HORSE DIARY. TELL YOUR MAID. DON'T TELL THE SUBJECT OF THE CONVERSATION EVERY LAST DETAIL, YOU HORRIBLE MONSTER FREAK.

I don't know who the girl is, which is even more frustrating. I don't remember who was sitting behind us because I was too busy dancing on stage like a moron.



It could have been the 79-year-old bathroom attendant.

the bathroom attendant from last night.


She seemed nice, but now I'm second guessing everything.

Was it because I didn't tip her? Did I splash water on the counter after washing my hands? Was she mad I didn't take the mint she offered me? Is she jealous I'm younger than her and not working as a bathroom attendant? Did she have a rough childhood and is now trying to take it out on unsuspecting pretty white females?

The subject of the conversation won't tell me what she told them either.

K.

I guess I'm just confused because I thought the ladies' room was supposed to be a safe haven (Aren't all havens safe?). It's one thing if I mentioned how I was going to murder someone and then the stranger told the person, but this??????? Once again, I don't remember what I said, but what???????

It's sad. Don't be me. Just converse the old-fashioned way. Text it.


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