Tuesday, November 25, 2014

WHO NEEDS $12 A MONTH WHEN YOU'RE ROLLING IN MONEY LIKE ME

I have so much money I don't even know what to do with all of it at this point.

JOKES ON JOKES because I have about nine jobs and none of them pay enough to support a dog, much less a real-life human being.



Do you see this teapot?

do you see this tragicness?

It holds cash so I can pay my taxes at the end of the year because none of my paychecks take taxes out.

This is nice until I'm like, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY I WILL HAVE TO PAY THE GOVERNMENT GODS ONCE APRIL ROLLS AROUND? I cry a little anytime I even start to think about it.



But not only does America/society/random strangers/my conservative uncle want to punish me for being a journalist, apparently Bank of America wants to, too.

After graduating college, I was no longer a student in the eyes of BofA, (but still a student of life) meaning I now need to have $250 directly deposited into my account each month or else I will get a service charge.

"I'm assuming you're older than 23?" -BofA man



Yes, I am. Thanks for bringing up that challenging birthday I just recently experienced. If the world didn't already punish me for graduating college, turning 24, and moving out, now a random stranger needs to add to the conversation.



Not one of my jobs pays me in direct deposit. I get a check in the mail like every other day because this is 1964 and mailing checks is still apparently a thing.

To punish me, BofA has a service charge of $12 a month.

$12 A MONTH.

What's $12 a month, you must be asking youself. That's 24 tacos from Jack in the Box. That's shampoo and conditioner. That's a cute, simple top from Target. That's a refill of happy pills.



IT'S A LOT OF THINGS, OK.

Who knows what BofA does with this money. Uses it to snort cocaine? Uses it as toilet paper? Uses it to maintain an account that doesn't have direct deposit because that's a bad thing and they need to punish people?????? The options are endless.

In an attempt to get rid of this service charge, my mother and I headed to BofA to work our white girl charm and see if we could abolish it.



After being on the verge of tears, the man (who was very attractive but had a blinding ring on his left hand) told me there was no hope.

"It's fine. I'll just strip for some extra income." -me

"We've all been there." -my mom

"Haha, that's funny." -BofA man.

me as a stripper putting cats to sleep.

IS IT FUNNY? DO YOU WANT YOUR DAUGHTER STRIPPING TO JUSTIFY A $12 SERVICE CHARGE? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT FOR THE FUTURE OF AMERICA?

This is all so tragic. So very, very tragic.


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