Tuesday, December 30, 2014

I ran into my ex-boyfriend at Bed, Bath and Beyond

Is there a second comma in Bed, Bath and Beyond? Discuss in the comments, please. I LOVE TO READ YOUR IGNORANT-ASS COMMENTS.

God, so today was actually the worst.

I spent the better day crying over things I don't want to blog about, but I would gladly talk to you about them over a cold, cold, strong, strong margarita.



ANYWHO, and then I was all like, I'm going to take Winston out for a walk because happy pills and exercise are good for stress and sadness and other bad things.

us in happier times.

So I did that and nearly beat the shit out of him when he escaped his harness on Katy Trail. It's fine. He didn't get any Cheetos for the rest of the day.

But then in an attempt to make everything better, Kassidy and I headed to Bed, Bath and Beyond (seriously, is there a comma) to buy a vacuum cleaner.

~*white girls love vacuum cleaners*~



So we are heading to the front of the store to chew out a manager for not having the Hoover vacuum cleaner we wanted WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, I SEE SOMEONE.

EVERYTHING FROM THIS POINT FORWARD WAS SLOW MOTION.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

If you haven't figured out from my dramatic sentences and the title of the freakin post, I saw my ex-boyfriend at Bed, Bath and Beyond and it's fine.

He was on the phone and Kassidy was far away looking at something. But I said to her, "Oh, there's _____ _________."

Before she could even respond, he had ended his phone call and was just staring at me.

LET'S GIVE YOU SOME CONTEXT: I haven't seen this male in I don't know how long. It's 8:30 p.m. New Years Eve Eve at Bed, Bath and Beyond. I'm looking to buy a vacuum cleaner. I am not wearing any makeup. I am wearing grey socks and cat flats.



This is all a better circumstance than the one time I ran into an old flame at Walmart when I was buying toilet paper and bean dip, but this is still less than great. I have no idea why that old flame has never called me again.

Kassidy knows pretty much everything about him. She's my roommate and best friend. It's what we do. We get wine drunk and talk about ex-boyfriends and plot their murder and then pass out from exhaustion.



So when we saw him at BB&B, I knew her mind must have been racing.

She offered up some of her insight because she's my roommate and I can make her do things like that.

Kassidy's thoughts:
If we don't get this stupid vacuum, the white girl in me is going to die. Wait. What. It's who. Oh god. Oh god. He looks just like his pictures. How did he end up on the ground? You're not going to hug her because you're sick? Okay. I've heard that before. This is so awkward I want to crawl up my own butt and die. Oh. That was funny. I'm going to press this salad spinner. Why are we still talking? He just talked me out of a purchase. Okay. I hate you. But I also love you. Wait. No. I hate you. I think. God. This is hard. He's so likable. I don't get it. I'm walking away.

He was sick, so no hugs were exchanged. No handshakes either. I think I threw up a peace sign. I also turned bright red when I saw him because WTF. WTAF. (What the actual eff, please keep up.) Who shops at BB&B on a Tuesday night besides us and if only you could have seen me. I don't even want to really talk about it because I was wearing grey socks and cat flats and I had spent the better half of the day crying into a pillow. My face was sans makeup and my heart was sans feelings and I don't know what that means, but I really needed to round out that sentence.

He did tell me I need to give him blog/emotional/monetary credit every time I say "literal joke from hell." That's not going to happen because he can't technically prove he coined that phrase, but I appreciate his persistence.

I don't know. Today was just kind of the weirdest, mainly because I used a crockpot successfully, but also because I saw my ex-boyfriend in a BB&B and I just feel emotionally scarred. And scared. And the whole thing was a little bit sacred and I think I'm done now.

Don't go vacuum shopping without makeup on. Don't be me.

*this post gets the my third boob label because really, why not.*

5 comments:

  1. Most corporations do not gerenally practice the use of the Oxford comma, lending me to believe that there in fact is no second comma.

    ReplyDelete
  2. OK I JUST WANNA KNOW IF IT'S THE EXBOYFRIEND I KNOW. YOU KNOW THE ONE WHO JUST COMMENTED RIGHT THERE ABOVE ME. IS IT? IS IT NOT? TELL ME.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I want to use this medium to thank Dr ALIMO for helping me to get back my husband after he left me and the kids for 5 months to suffer.When he left,he told me that he don't love me again and he has found another woman which he loved.I cry everyday because i love him so much and i decide to go the net for help when i saw a lady’s post of how Dr ALIMO help her to get her husband back who divorced her and i just say to myself let me give this Dr ALIMO a try and indeed he is wonderful he help me to get my husband back within 2days and my husband return to me and promise to love me forever and beg me for the pain he cost me. I will forever be grateful to you Dr ALIMO and i will not stop to publish your name on the internet for people to see because you are so great.You can email him at.,,dr.alimospelltemple@gmail.com or call or whatsapp him on +2347052302943 thanks dr

    ReplyDelete
  4. I want to use this medium to thank Dr ALIMO for helping me to get back my husband after he left me and the kids for 5 months to suffer.When he left,he told me that he don't love me again and he has found another woman which he loved.I cry everyday because i love him so much and i decide to go the net for help when i saw a lady’s post of how Dr ALIMO help her to get her husband back who divorced her and i just say to myself let me give this Dr ALIMO a try and indeed he is wonderful he help me to get my husband back within 2days and my husband return to me and promise to love me forever and beg me for the pain he cost me. I will forever be grateful to you Dr ALIMO and i will not stop to publish your name on the internet for people to see because you are so great.You can email him at.,,dr.alimospelltemple@gmail.com or call or whatsapp him on +2347052302943 thanks dr ,,,,,

    ReplyDelete