Tuesday, December 23, 2014

My Advice for SMU Boys

I'm about to offer some very experienced advice.

I'm here to help you. I want to HELP you.

I'm going to write off this blog on my taxes for charity work and I honestly have no idea what that means, but the point is I'm here to serve you.

I'm like Ruth.

That is a complete lie. I'm Orpah is every sense. I would have said SEE YA to my mother-in-law in a second.

ok bye.

But I'm about to warn you the dangers of going out in Uptown/Trophy Room/Dallas.

Trophy Room is different than what I remember it as being. If you're unaware of which bar Trophy Room is, it has the mechanical bull outside.

not same bull but you get it.

Trophy Room used to be ghetto AF and now it is full of frat bOyz.


These aren't just frat boys, these are frat boys.

Let's set the scene.

It's Friday night. Kassidy, Katie, I, and others are out and about doing our thing, flirting, drinking, whatnot. We are Uptown girls, we think. Screw Christie Brinkley. Billy Joel wrote Uptown Girl about us.

I spy a male. He is little and wearing a beanie and a leather jacket.

I tell Kassidy I'll be right back.

I use my usual pick-up line. "You look exactly like Ryan Tedder."

OK, this is my ~usual~ pick-up line, but he looked so much like Ryan Tedder and we all know how I feel about Ryan Tedder.

i literally pulled up this photo to show him.

So I'm chatting with him, learning all about him, and he tells me he just graduated from SMU with a degree in finance.

Ok, ok, ok. This isn't a big deal. I mean I'm only a year out of college, so this isn't a big deal.

But it was so effing clear Ryan Tedder was not into me, which is like actually the title of my future memoir.

the font is called casual and i just feel like it displays the true seriousness of this blog.

So Ryan Tedder's friend swoops in and OMG SPEAKING OF SWOOPS.

His hair was a swoop. He reminded me of the typical Southern guy who plays football and drinks sweet tea.

He didn't play football for SMU, but that didn't stop me from announcing to everyone that he did.

But he was still going to school at SMU. His major was marketing and everything is fine.

This is where my key, key advice comes in.

Do not panic when a male tells you he is college. Remain calm. Take a sip of your drink. Smile. Relax.

Continue to ask about him. Most men won't notice that they know nothing about you until you are walking away and then they realize they are idiots.

IF for some reason he turns the question-and-answer portion around, then this is what you need to say.

Do you go to SMU? Yes.

What's your major? Micropalentology.

What year are you? Freshman.

How did you get in? Fake ID.

You need to pretend you go to SMU if you want to seem cool and hip and young and everything Kris Jenner wants to be. Your major is micropalentology because literally no one even understands that and no guy is going to ask what that is because they don't want to appear dumb. And they won't know if SMU has that degree program or not, so just go with it. You are a freshman because everyone was their most fun freshman year. This is a fact. I mean, look at me freshman year. FUN.

me freshman year twerking before twerking was cool.

I think I wrote this blog just so I could post a picture of Ryan Tedder. Good talk. Bye.

*Get the third boob label because why not.

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