Saturday, December 13, 2014

My week with the world's dumbest dog: Winston

Ok, he's not exactly the world's dumbest dog, but he's just kind of not all there.

Kassidy literally left me as soon as we moved in and went to Costa Rica for "work" and I was like ok, I remember my first "work trip."

So I've been left with her child, Winston (sometimes we call him Winnie), and this dog is on a new level of ignorant.

I literally think I gave him his first french fry
I guess Kassidy only feeds him dog food (that smells like feet), but if I'm in charge of anything for more than a day, then my habits will begin to rub off. I got McDonald's late on night and they didn't give me ketchup. I wasn't angry or anything. I had just paid $3 for some fries and they didn't give me the one basic necessity to eat the fries, but it's fine, McDonald's. I'm not mad. So I had all of these fries and I wasn't going to eat them, so I dropped one down to Winston. He just let it sit there. He sniffed it and put it in his mouth and then spit it back out. It took him maybe four minutes to eat the fry and I was like, ok, this isn't my child.

He ran into a glass door but he's fine
He was running away from a bunch of people he didn't know and ran right into a glass door and he's a great guard dog.

He only sits when you tell him the second time
He's like an actual male. I guess when I say sit the first time, it's just for fun. It literally makes me want to hurt the dog after I have to say it for the second time.

He's fat but he keeps me warm
I haven't turned on the heat in days because Winston loves to snuggle and he's furry and fat, so he keeps me warm.

"He just looks like a dog that needs to be ran." -Augusta Neal

I actually cut down on his breakfast, so maybe he'll lose some weight.

He doesn't really help the "picking up guys" thing
I took him out to go potty and I see Bacon the Piglet. Bacon is basically Instagram famous because he's a pig living in an apartment complex and it's my apartment complex and also his daddy is really, really attractive. He has a man bun and I also saw him sitting on his motorcycle earlier in the day. Well, I tried to flirt with him, you know, 'Oh, that's a pig,' you know, my usual pick-up lines. And Winston wasn't having it. Winston took one look at Bacon and ran. He drug me up the stairs and I haven't seen Bacon's daddy since and I just miss him.

bacon and his hot father.

*It's important to note he lives with his girlfriend, Bacon's mommy*

"Things end." -Emily Stines

He actually really hates personal space
These are actual real-life photos I took of him all up in my grill.

He only barks at annoying girls
Everything was going fine. I had a bunch of people over and we were all having a good time, making jokes, and whatnot. Then a girl walks in and Winston went nuts. I thought he was going to murder her. Well, turns out she didn't laugh at my Malaysian Airlines joke, so Winston has good instincts.

He thinks I'm his mother and I'm scared when his actual mother comes home
Like, I think at one point he wanted me to start breastfeeding him. He calls me mom. Everyone thinks I'm his mom. He hasn't mentioned his real mom in days. I asked if he missed her and he just stared at me blankly. Adoption is hard.

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