Sunday, December 21, 2014

That one time I made a couple fight

PMS: Wrecking homes since 1990.

wrecking homes days and nights.

This story is scary. It's something all women should fear. This could have been anyone, but for some reason it was me.

I don't even know. I don't even know where to begin.

It all started when Kassidy and I decided to go to The Sir.

The Sir is a bar extremely close to our apartment that we always pass and our neighbor used to bartend there, so anything our neighbor approves, we automatically approve.

See also: every other blog post about my neighbor

*sorry if you were expecting to be able to click on that and for it to go somewhere. Just go back in the archives. You're a big girl/boy. I know you can do it.*

Kassidy and I sat down at the bar, learned it would soon be closing down for good good, and started chatting with the bartender.

We were the only ones in there and that's where Kassidy and I thrive. ATTENTION ALL FOR US????????????



Then a couple walks in.

They looked young but old, fun but boring. Kind of like Speidi.



They sat down and started chatting with the bartender and he gave them the low-down.

*We are almost out of everything because this bar is closing down for good good. yada yada yada.*

They began asking questions about the history of the bar and how a former Bachelor contestant used to own it.

That's when I chimed in like I do.

YOU CAN'T JUST TALK ABOUT THE BACHELOR AND NOT EXPECT ME TO GIVE MY TWO CENTS AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT BEN SCOTT, SOMEONE I SPENT AN EVENING WITH AND WROTE A HILARIOUS STORY ABOUT BUT IT WAS JUST FOR A CLASS, SO IT NEVER GOT PUBLISHED AND MAYBE IF I'M BRAVE ENOUGH ONE DAY, I'LL PUT IT ON HERE.



So the couple started asking me all sorts of questions and I was like, listen. I'm a reality show expert. There's nothing I can't answer. Bring it on.



The man's body language was odd. He was completely facing Kassidy and me and you know what they say. I don't know, I think they say something about a man wants what his feet are pointing to and let's just say, his feet were not facing his live-in girlfriend.

YES, LIVE-IN GIRLFRIEND. We got far enough into a conversation with the couple to learn that they live together and are not from Dallas.

They are from California.

"Ohhhhh????? What brings you to Dallas?" -me, one beer in and feeling very friendly.

"Well, that's complicated. But I got a job here and asked her to move down here with me." -guy

"OMG!!!! And you did that??? I would never move for a man I wasn't married to. You're very brave. How long had y'all been dating before you moved with him?" -me

"That's a personal question." -girl in couple

She repeated to me that that was a personal question.

A personal question????????????????????



How old are you is a personal question. How much do you weigh is a personal question. Do you dye your hair is a personal question. How many STDs do you have is a personal question. Who is your favorite One Direction member is a personal question.

How long had you been dating before you moved to Dallas with him is far from personal.

I don't know, I just think I've said way more inappropriate things in my day and no one got as pissed off as her.

Other inappropriate things I've said/asked:

  • "Do your two daughters have the same mother?"
  • "I'm a stewardess for Malaysian Airlines."
  • "I didn't see any cocaine," while making eyes with a waiter.
  • "My name is Pagina," (pronounced like vagina), I announced at church
  • "Mohammad is the most common name in the world. Does that make you mad?" I said to my Uber driver named Mohammad
  • "Are y'all not sitting us because we're white," I asked to the wait staff at Desperado's
  • "My roommate's dog is half-black and half-white. Like Obama."


So me asking how long they had been dating is not the worst thing I've said. It's actually very calm.

But you would have thought differently by the way the mood shifted.



All of a sudden, she was whispering in his ear. They were facing the other way. She was asking for their check and no one in the entire bar was speaking.

They left without saying a word to us or looking at us. It went from 100 to 0 real effing quick.

All I'm going to say is that she seems like a real effing pain to live with. If it's such a complicated story, then don't live with the guy. Or GET MAD AT HIM IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING INSTEAD OF MAKING IT AWKWARD FOR EVERYONE IN THE BAR.

Don't be Cheryl.*

*I thought about not mentioning her name the entire blog post, but then at the last minute I was like, no. Her name was Cheryl and she hated me by the end of the night and I do and I don't hope they broke up because of me.

</rant>

1 comment: