Saturday, December 26, 2015

Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani, we get it.

Dear Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani, 
We get it.
Love, America.

I've been putting off writing this blog forever now. I keep thinking it will stop but every time I open a People Magazine, I see a new picture of the Oddest Couple In The World and it's getting out of hand.

Friday, December 25, 2015

PMS's 10 Most Fascinating People of 2015

If Barbara Walters thinks Bradley Cooper is fascinating, then hell, everyone is fascinating. Your mailman is fascinating. Your cousin who went to England one time is fascinating. Your left eyebrow is fascinating.

Not to be outdone by a woman who can't pronounce her Rs and has a voice that puts anyone to sleep, I decided to compile my own list of 10 Most Fascinating People. These are real actual people I have encountered over the past year.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

I went to your grandmother's church this morning

... if your grandmother is the richest woman in the world.

Church stop like 87: My roommate's co-worker recommended this church because a lot of "young" people go there. More on that later.

So we wake up Sunday morning and begin getting ready. Sure, I have the ability to look nice, but sometimes I just really want to throw on some jeans and motorcycle boots and call it a day. So that's what I did. A pair of jeans with a black and white stripped sweater and some brown motorcycle boots because I love mixing black and brown because I like to fight the system. I'm a rebel. My roommate was going to wear a nice red dress but after seeing my choice, she decided on a plaid shirt and leggings.

It's fine. We're going to the 11 a.m. service. How fancy could it be.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Yes, I know my phone screen is cracked.

Attention everyone. Yes, I know my phone screen is cracked. It's a metaphor for my heart.

If that isn't a lyric on Ruben Studdard's next album, then ISIS wins.

I don't want this to come across as a girl who is annoyed that people are making conversation with her. And maybe I'm just as guilty as the next person. But, I get it. You get it. We all get it. My phone screen is cracked in a million pieces. We can stop talking about it.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Counting On: No one can form a sentence, Derick is dying

Well, everyone. I can't read and by that, sometimes I forget other people live in different timezones. LONG STORY SHORT I MISSED THE FIRST HOUR OF JILL AND JESSA: COUNTING ON. what's the point in even living. breathing. going on.

After 19 Kids and Counting got canceled, TLC was like wait, we can't completely get rid of the Duggars because they bring in a lot of cash. But we can't have Perverted Josh on the TV, so we'll just make a show about Angels Jill and Jessa.

I have no idea what I missed during the first hour of a 90-minute show, but I'm sure Jill made homemade pickles and I'm sure Jessa put on makeup and I'm sure Jana was silent but really pretty.

I was only able to see a few clips where, thankfully, they talked about Perverted Josh and let me tell you, they are, like, really upset about their brother having an affair.

Like, I get it. If I had a brother and he acted like the World's Holiest Christian Man Ever and then he had an account on Ashley Madison, I would be pretty pissed, too, but, like, these kids are really, really, really, really upset.

The producers interviewed Jana, Jinger, Jessa, Jill, John David, and Joseph all individually. Here are the highlights:

Sunday, December 13, 2015

My Week At The Doctor

...because apparently I have ebola.

Just kidding, it's anxiety. And spoiler alert, someone with anxiety will probably do anything to see a doctor as soon as freakin possible.

Anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks this week. Maybe I was supposed to have this kind of freakout two years ago when I graduated college and I'm just now having it, but boy, did I have it. And I lived to blog about it.

So Monday afternoon rolls around and I head to Richardson, America to see my doctor for said anxiety. I'm anxious and speeding down George Bush Highway ready to run over someone. HAHA THAT'S A LAURA BUSH JOKE DO YOU GET IT. I arrive promptly and they call me into the room quickly. The woman takes my weight, my blood pressure and my pulse. My pulse is 99. I have no idea what that means. She tells me that's a little high and it could be because of the anxiety. I say NO SHIT BARNEY FIFE. The doctor comes in. He says everything will be ok. He prescribes me a new medication because my old one makes me sick. Because he's retiring at the end of the month, he tells me what other doctors I should see. He hugs me goodbye like he's never going to see me again.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

I've been to every church in Dallas

I'm telling you right now, if you are a Christian who is unable to make fun of modern Christian culture, then stop reading right now. You won't get it.

Because I am a young, hip, Millennial Christian living in Dallas, finding a church home has been a top priority for me. My roommate and I have searched high and low for a church in Dallas and at this point, we are Goldielocks, except the beds are churches and the bears are worship leaders. These are my tales of the experiences. It's meant to be funny, so start laughing now.

The church with Jef Holm
One Saturday night, I literally Googled "church for young people" and this church came up. So we headed there one chilly Sunday morning. Upon walking in, we realized "young people" meant ages 37-45 because we were the youngest single people in there by far. Worship was a show. One of the guys singing looked like Jef Holm from the Bachelorette. He was wearing a titanium wedding ring, like young Christian married men do. He had skinny jeans and half of his head was shaved. I imagine his wife was somewhere barefoot and pregnant Instagramming about the many #blessings in her life.

Friday, November 27, 2015

The time I fell in love with a guy named Joe

This is going to be one of those blogs that I will regret either when a) the subject of the blog finds it b) a future boyfriend finds it (pausing for laughter) or c) spoiler alert, when the subject's girlfriend finds it. hahahaha. With all that said, here goes nothing.

7:37 p.m. Nov. 9
My friends and I are inside Quarter Bar, our first stop during Buzz Bike. We are being loud and annoying charming and fun, when I spy two males standing awkwardly by the jukebox. I approach them and make small talk. I don't remember what was said. I have slept and drank since then, so honestly, who really knows.

Friday, November 20, 2015

I Hate My Roommate And Her TV Choices

I somehow managed to move in with a human being who hates doing the dishes, has a dog that sheds, sings in the shower, and yet none of that is as bad as the fact that we can't agree on TV shows to watch. Any tbh, I've never experienced pain quite like it.

How many midnight drives did Harry and Taylor go on, and other questions I have for pop stars

I love pop music. The worst the song, the more I dance to it. Enter: Stitches by Shawn Mendes.

But not only do I love bad/good pop music, I love decoding each song because a lot of pop stars write about their famous flings and there's nothing PMS loves more than some celebrity gossip.

Taylor Swift and Harry Styles

So here's where I ask, How many midnight drives did Harry Styles and Taylor Swift go on exactly.

In Taylor Swift's song "Style," she sings, "Midnight/you come and pick me up/no headlights/long drive/could end in burning flame or paradise" in the first verse.

"Style" is obviously about Harry Styles because Harry and Taylor dated and the song is called "Style" and I feel like I shouldn't have to explain that, but just in case, here's this blog.

So, ok, basically all of "Style" takes place in a car ride and the video even features a lot of car riding, even with the male subject driving and Tay sitting in the back creepily and it reminds me of an Uber ride and lol.

Monday, November 16, 2015

I have bras older than Derek Jeter's fiance

update: she's my age. but here i am. writing this blog.

This would be a good time to ignore that other blog I wrote about age. Thank you.

Listen, I can remember a time when Derek Jeter was the hot stuff. Women loved him. Men wanted to be him. Everyone wanted him on their baseball team I think probably. We've all gone through the phase when we had posters of him on our bedroom walls, lol or was that just me, preteen PMS was unique.

But now he's kind of done with. Idk.

Monday, November 2, 2015

Wendy Williams And I Have Thoughts on Justin Bieber

Below you will see a clip of Wendy EFFIN Williams saying, "How you doin', readers of Just PMSing" and then giggling.

Besides her saying that first line, she also sits down with Inside Edition's Deborah Norville to discuss all things Justin Bieber because he's everyone's favorite ~bad boy.~

Sunday, November 1, 2015

What is planning.

For as long as I can remember, my parents have had a plan in place.

For everything.

Natural disasters are something the Skinners are so overly prepared for, I think my father is a little offended he's never had to seriously deal with one.

Fire in the middle of the night? Meet at the mailbox.
Tornado? Meet in the master bedroom closet.
Terrorist attack in Dallas? Meet in Corsicana.
Need to go further than that? Meet in Lubbock.
Does everyone have their natural disaster kit? Flashlights? Wind-up radio? Mattress? Blankets?

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Help Me Decide My Halloween Costume


I need somebody. Help! Not just anybody! Help! You know I need someone Heeeeellllppp.


I am so stressed out about Halloween that I'm developing an eye twitch. I have no idea what I'm going to be and that alone should be a federal offense.

I need your help, kind of loyal readers.

how good of a jane fonda would i be tho.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

I Got My First Massage Today

What says I'm 25 today and I'm still young and youthful and vibrant but also I'm mature and ready to start the new year fresh?

A MASSAGE!!!!!!!!

pic from Barbie Smith Massage Associates because lol
I've had a SpaFinder gift card for 27 years now. My sister gave it to me for babysitting her devil cat and I never used it, but today Katie was like, let's go get a massage and I was like ok but do I have to shave my legs?

Sunday, October 18, 2015

I Dressed Like Ariana Grande For The Tay Concert Because Planning Is Hard

Listen, here. LISTEN, I SAY. I don't mess around when it comes to Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift is my sport. I've been to every tour of hers and I don't see why that's a problem. During this tour, every night I would crawl into bed and constantly refresh Twitter to see the live tweets from people at her show that night. I examine the outfits, the setlist, her special guests, and everything in between.

I also follow plenty of fans on Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr, so I know that the key to getting backstage and winning a meet-and-greet with Tay is to dress up in something unique and memorable.

help. i don't need a life or a boyfriend.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Another Hot Neighbor Update

How much does everyone love Hot Neighbor?

I love him so much I just gave him his own label for this stupid-ass blog, so you can click on "Hot Neighbor" anytime and read everything there is to know about him.

Listen, it's been awhile since PMS gave you a Hot Neighbor update. A lot has happened since June 7, 2015, when I gave you your last Hot Neighbor update.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Planning A Birthday Dinner For An Event Planner Is Tough

There's an event planner in our friend group, her actual job is planning events, which is lovely because she plans all the events for our group of friends.

She's Kassidy and she's there to coordinate things, book dinners, make spreadsheets, etc.

But when it's her birthday and one of us has to coordinate her birthday dinner, everything goes to hell.

It goes to actual hell.

It's a shit show.

Let's review the WEEKS leading up to planning one birthday dinner for the event planner, Kassidy Lora Ketron.

Let's order shirts that says #bringKKhome
This is mainly an inside joke, a joke for the insiders, but we thought buying T-shirts that say, "#bringKKhome" would be the best thing since air conditioning. So we assigned Augusta Ruby Neal to design and order the T-shirts and then that was the last we talked about it. Day of birthday dinner: No T-shirts.

Let's buy her a gift
Gifts are fun and birthdays are fun, so let's buy her a birthday gift. What does Kassidy like? She likes makeup, right? What kind of makeup? I shouldn't be trusted in Sephora alone. She needs a new bag. Does she like bucket bags? I can't remember. Why have I not listened to anything she's said ever. Long story, short: I went to Target, Nordstroms, Urban Outfitters, Forever 21, Nordstroms again, Big Lots, Ross, and all I got her were these sunglasses.

Other things I considered buying her:

i loved it sorry

how ugly is this purse i love it

i wish nate berkus was straight because he's my dream man

i was gonna buy this for myself but didn't, but should i?

everyone needs a panda head/mask thing

Text the wrong group text
There are 47 group texts happening in my iPhone at any given moment and one was sans Kassidy because we had to plan her birthday. A good rule of thumb is to shop while texting, so then you accidentally text the group WITH KASSIDY IN IT talking about her birthday. Act like nothing happened when she questions you.

Let's bring dessert to the restaurant
We'll put Sarah in charge of that because she's the most domestic, but what dessert does Kassidy even like? I heard her say the other day she doesn't like brownies, so she really is a Nazi and Hitler deserves her. I don't think she likes cake, either. She talks about ice cream a lot, but like, who brings ice cream to a restaurant. So we got her ice cream cake and turns out she crapped her pants because she was so excited.

But then watch her have the best night of her life
This is not at all true, but I wanted this blog to end like a Mastercard commercial. Bye.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

A Timeline of Granmary's Nick Jonas Questions

pls don't steal this. PMS copyright.
12:37 p.m. CT Sept. 23, 2015, Dickey's BBQ, Dallas, Texas, USA
Me: "I'm about to interview Nick Jonas."
98-year-old grandmother, also known as Granmary: "Ohhhh? Nick Jonas? Now is he the youngest one? He was on my TV just the other day. What are you going to wear?"
Me: "I don..."
Granmary: "What are you going to ask him? Where are you meeting him? Will his brothers be there?"

7 p.m. CT Sept. 23, 2015, voicemail on my iPhone
Granmary: "Hi, darling! It's Granmary. I'm just dying to know how that went. Did you have the right questions and was he cute? Anyhow, get the thing all together. I wanna read this. Well, I was just checking."

1:07 p.m. Sept. 27, 2015, El Fenix, Dallas, Texas, USA
Granmary: "How was it? Was he nice? Was he funny? What did you wear?"
Me: "It was go..."
Granmary: "Did you see he's dating that Kate Hudson girl? Well, I just can't believe it. Now we know why he didn't call you. How old is she?"
Father, also known as ICE Daddy: "Him not calling had nothing to do with the fact that he just got done dating Miss Universe."

Granmary: "Was he nice? I bet all the other brothers are jealous of his success? What did you ask him? Can I read it? Has he called? He might just be looking for a Texas girl, you never know."

3:29 p.m. Oct. 4, 2015, Granmary's Room in her assisted living home, Dallas, Texas, USA
Granmary: "Have you heard from Nick? Has he called? Can you believe that he's dating Kate Hudson? Well I just can't believe it. How old is she? How old are you looking for, Paige? Nothing under 30? Well, you'll know when you see him, I guess. I'm not worried about you."


Saturday, October 3, 2015

Do I have a crush on Wiz Khalifa and other things I can blame Mercury on

Mercury is in retrograde and I have no idea what that means.

All you hippie voodoo shit people won't stop talking about it and by that I mean my friend Cayla is blaming it on everything.

Does Zodiac signs have anything to do with this. What is my Zodiac sign. What does any of this mean.

Like is Mercury even a planet.

*googles "planets"*
It is. Continue on.

Things I'm blaming Mercury on:
I can't remember if Mercury is even a planet.
I went to the Rangers game and ate nachos and then vomited. Dang you, Mercury.
I bought Jessica Simpson heels because a lesbian told me my legs looked good in them. (I assume she's a lesbian. She was looking at the crocs.) Ugh, Mercury. Where am I even going to wear the heels?
I also bought thigh-high boots because apparently I have the confidence of a supermodel now. THANKS MERCURY.
I gave Winston an actual bath. Like, it was my idea and everything. #Mercury.
I saw a play where I had to stand the entire time. Freakin' Jupiter wouldn't make me do that.
My Internet hasn't been working for the past two days. I SEE YOU, MERCURY.
When the AT&T man came, I told him having no Internet is equal to fighting in a war. Mercury causes actual vomit and word vomit.
I watched Grandfathered and enjoyed it. I was smiling the entire time. Eff you, Mercury.
I went to Sonic and asked for a McFlurry and the woman was so offended. "I'm sorry, ma'am. It's Mercury!"
I screamed at the McDonald's guy when he wouldn't serve me a quarter pounder at 10:45 a.m. Mercury.
I bought $115 Taylor Swift standing room only tickets. I don't even have a seat. I just have a way into the stadium. Tay is bigger than Mercury.
I teared up while watching "The Longest Ride." Kill me, Mercury.
And finally. Do I have a crush on Wiz Khalifa. Help me god and Mercury.

sry dad.
Like Just PMSing on Facebook. do i have to do everything for u.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Everyone needs to calm down about age

People are so weird about age and I guess I just don't get it.

I don't understand it at all.

I was talking to someone the other day and I answered their question about when I was born. He said, "Wow, that's when I graduated. Ok then."



What do you want me to do about it????????????????????????

Do you know how age works? Do you know how time works? Do you realize not everyone is born the same year? And depending on what year you were born changes how old you are?? Why are you shocked not everyone is the same age as you???????

And oh my god, those stupid articles that are like 25 Things The Class of 2020 Won't Understand.

It's like yes???????????? Why would the class of 2020 know about NSYNC?????? They were a boy band that lasted literally three CDs. Do you care about the band Three Dog Night????? No. And why would the kids you're teaching now know about 9/11??????????????? They weren't there??????? Do you care about Pearl Harbor???????? Do you not understand how this works??????? Yes, kids today just google the weather because they have that kind of access. No, they don't have to go to high school reunions because there's Facebook. Why is this so hard to understand???????? Do people not realize that we're all going to die one day??? We are getting older and death is upon us?????? And different age groups experience different things??? That's how life works????

lance cannot dance.

I really really really really don't understand when people give me shit for my age. Age is literally something I cannot change. I can literally change my gender but I cannot legally change my age. So when you look at me disgusted that I was born in a certain year, I'm just like ok???????????? I'm sorry???????????????

And for the love of God, stop with the "this generation is doomed." We are all literally doomed.

I'm done. Shortest blog post ever. Bye.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Preparing To Interview Nick Jonas

Nick Jonas.
Nick Jonas.


Let this be known: I don't even particularly like Nick Jonas. He strikes me as the type of guy who would buy you a drink in the bar and then get really angry if you talked to another guy. This has never happened to me, so I'm not positive if I would hate it or secretly like it, but you get the point.

But when my editor informed me that I was going to interview Nick Jonas, I went into a freakin tailspin. A tizzy. A psychotic episode. I couldn't even talk to anyone for 48 hours. I didn't look anyone in the eye. All I could think about was Nick Jonas and how everything was going to go down.

Thought process before interviewing Nick Jonas:
What should I wear to interview Nick Jonas
I'm going to text everyone in my phone and ask them.
My dad said 'something sassy.'
Mack said one of my black dresses. How many black dresses do I own. I own eight. I own a lot of black dresses for a woman who literally never goes anywhere nice.
I need to go to the mall.
But first DSW.
These brown booties are very cute and Nick Jonas would like them.
They are Michael Kors.
I can never remember if Kassidy hates Michael Kors or Marc Jacobs. She hates one of them.
They're $150. I'm not going to get them.
I need to go to the mall.
Top Shop is nice but I was just here.
I'm going to go to Forever 21.
God no.
I own everything here already.
Nick would never go for a boho girl anyway.
I'm already a worse person from just spending three minutes in there.
Back to Nordstroms.
The lady is asking me what occasion I'm shopping for. I literally can't tell her I'm interviewing Nick Jonas because who would even believe me. I don't even believe me.
This skirt is nice. I'm going to ask the sales lady if it's ugly.
Of course she said no.
Oh god, I'm trying this skirt on and it's ugly.
I'm going to leave and not make eye contact with Gabby, the nice sales lady, even though she was wrong and that skirt was effing hideous.
Ok, I'm home and that mall trip was as unsuccessful as Nick Jonas and the Administration.
Let's Google Olivia Culpo.
God, she's pretty.
Does Nick Jonas like bangs?
I should text my dad again.
Let's read about what Olivia does before she goes out for a night.
She shaves her legs with coconut oil. I used to do that.
Should I do that tomorrow?
Should I get a spray tan?
Should I be myself or not?
Does Nick Jonas know about jokes?
What am I even interviewing him about?
My sister said to go look in her closet. Our styles couldn't be more different if I was Rosie O'Donnell and she was Kelly Ripa.
Oh, good, my roommate is home, I can bother her now.
I just convinced her to go to Target.
Am I getting older or is Target getting worse?
God, I can never tell when I'm entering the maternity section.
I need something that says I'm a professional, but also you can ask me out.
I just called Nick Joe. Don't let me say that to his face.
God, there is nothing at Target. My life is going to hell.
I'm back home. I have to watch Scream Queens because Nick is in it.
This is the worst show I've ever watched and I've seen an episode of American Juniors.
I'm not going to watch this. I'll read about it tomorrow on Twitter.
I'm going to Wikipedia Nick Jonas.
He was born in Dallas. That will be a good ice-breaker.
I have nothing to wear.
Literally, do I own any clothes.

need dat dress.

Actually transcription from the Nick Jonas interview:
PMS: "Are you happy to be in Dallas? Do your parents still live here?"
NJ: "They do. My parents are coming (to the show) tonight."
PMS: "And Frankie still lives here?"
NJ: "Frankie lives here."
PMS: "He's my favorite."
NJ: "He's my favorite, too. He's the best one."
PMS: "Yeah."

Nick Jonas did not compliment me on my clothes, but when I went to shake his hand goodbye, he went in for the hug and I said NICK ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH ME.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Guys Don't Care About Girls' Fashion and It's Tragic

10:37 p.m. CT August 17, 2014

"Never blog about basic b*tches who carry Coach purses because that will come back to bite you." -Augusta Ruby Neal.

So here goes nothing, I guess.

5:01 p.m. CT September 20, 2015

I spy a living and breathing female in her natural habitat at Wild About Harry's. She is waiting in line, wondering what flavor concrete she's going to order. She is wearing jean shorts, has French tip acrylic nails, and a James Avery dangly cross ring on her finger. And she has a boyfriend who is all over her like white on bread or some other horrible analogy.

Did you hear me correctly? Did you read that right? SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. A girl who has yet to escape 2007 has a boyfriend and he does not give two rat's ass about her fashion choices.

This is what is so startling about America/dating. Or being an American who dates. Men do not care about what women wear or where they shop or anything. I am so completely stressed out about finding the perfect thigh-high boots for the winter, I can't even think straight most days. And this girl in Wild About Harry's has a James Avery silver ring. And not only that, but it's a dangly cross. On her French tip nails.


Everyone has their own idea of what's fashionable, but you're probably wrong. Just because you looked good in American Eagle jeans in high school doesn't mean you still do slash doesn't mean you should ever enter an AE store again.

chris brown doesn't care about her bag and honestly that's his scariest characteristic 

And guys don't care. Guys think high-waisted anythings are ugly. It's like, I'm sorry I'm not a Playboy model and need to cover up my hips. And guys don't care about makeup. Guys think Cara Delevinge, the most beautiful supermodel in the world, has messed up eyebrows. Guys want us to wear no makeup until they see us with none and then they're like, oh, maybe wear some. I SPENT $100 AT ULTA I WILL WEAR MY MAKEUP AND YOU WILL NOT TELL ME YOU LIKE ME BETTER NATURAL. 

Other things that President Barack Obama should personally outlaw:
Tiffany heart necklaces
Coach purses
Dooney and Burke purses
Tiny Louis Vuitton purses
Skunk hair
Toe rings
Thick belts
Zebra anything
Texas-shaped jewelry. We get it. You live here.
Sunglasses with rhinestones
Sundresses and cowboy boots. Have you ever even seen a cow.
Bump its
Tank tops that are longer than the shirt

If you are offended by any of this, start your own effing blog and write about it.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Brad Paisley Q&A Because WTF

What's the point in having Brad Paisley follow you on Twitter if you don't occasionally abuse it, I thought to myself one lonely night. Inspired by this DUDs post, I went for it.

Photo by Isaac Villalobos. Hire him here:

For some reason, unknown to even God himself, Brad Paisley follows me on the Twitter and sometimes even interacts with thy tweets.

Listen, everyone has something. Some people have clear skin, some people have an impressive IQ, some people meet their soulmate at age 15 and don't have to date. I HAVE NONE OF THOSE THINGS. SO LET ME HAVE THIS.

Maybe Brad Paisley follows me because he thinks I'm a serious and professional journalist.

Or maybe he thinks I'm really funny.

Or maybe he accidentally followed me one day and then felt too bad to unfollow me.

These are theories I don't have time to explore.

The only thing I have time to do is DM extremely sophisticated questions and pray to the country music gods that he responds and doesn't file a restraining order.

Because Just PMSing is a serious political blog, I asked Mr. BP what he thinks about the presidential race and taxes and ISIS.

I'm kidding. I asked him Taco Bueno or Taco Bell. AND HE RESPONDED. And here are his answers. FREAKIN DRUMROLL PLEASE.

Enjoy, PMSers. Can I call y'all that?

PMS: How many times have you watched Father of the Bride?
BP: Father of the Bride? 48 times.

graphics by PMS hire me for all your photoshopping needs.

PMS: Favorite Taylor Swift song?
BP: TS song? Red

PMS: Taco Bueno or Taco Bell?
BP: Bueno

PMS: Barbecue sauce or ranch?
BP: Barbecue sauce

PMS: Football or baseball?
BP: Football

PMS: Favorite John Travolta movie?
BP: Pulp Fiction

PMS: Hardest song of yours to play on guitar?
BP: Time Warp

PMS: If you were locked inside Mall of America, which store would you sleep in?
BP: The Lake Wobegon Store

PMS: Who can drink more: you or Blake Shelton?
BP: Blake Shelton

PMS: Favorite Ludacris song?
BP: Money Maker

PMS: Dipping or chewing?
BP: Chewing

PMS: Have you ever drank a beer in the shower?
BP: No

PMS: Funniest thing one of your kids has ever said?
BP: Dad's in charge

Here's the screenshot of his answers. Yes, it could not be him. It could be some poor intern. But you know what? YOUR BOYFRIEND COULD BE A CLOSETED HOMOSEXUAL. We don't know. It's called faith, people. Get some.

Thank you, Mr. Brad Paisley if you're reading this. IOU. And ILY.

Go like Just PMSing on Facebook. If you want. Or don't. Idfc.

Oh, and watch BP and Carrie Underwood host the CMAs Nov. 4. Bye.

Monday, September 14, 2015

What To Get Your Man For His Birthday

Because I'm an unmarried woman who is famously attracted to gay guys, sometimes my friends ask me for boy advice.

By sometimes, I mean really never, because I usually just say, "He doesn't like you," but sometimes they ask me, "Hey, PMS. What should I get my man for his birthday?"

Ahh, yes, birthdays. They are a special occasion. They are the one time a year where you can ask your man how old he is without feeling weird about it.

Age is weird.

So because I serve the people, I'll offer up my advice on what to get your man for his birthday.

I don't care if he doesn't even smoke. I don't care if he recently tried quitting. Cigarettes are an easy gift because all you have to do is walk into a gas station, point behind the register, and say give it to me. This can be dangerous, so use the buddy system.

This one can be challenging because it will force you to look at the beer he drinks. Pay attention, now. When he goes up to the bar to order, listen closely. Was it a Shiner? Was it a Budweiser? Was it a Shirley Temple? Whatever he says, write it down. Then repeat. Wala, you have a beer for your man.

Concert tickets
Concert tickets are a fun gift because when you give a man two concert tickets, they feel obligated to take you. You don't fight this feeling. The trick here is to give him concert tickets of a concert you want to see. Like Taylor Swift. Oh, what was that? You don't like Taylor Swift? But look at her legs. This is a great birthday present, how dare you argue with me.

*Concert tickets are tricky, however because you don't want to plan too far in advance. One time I bought a male Jason Aldean concert tickets and then he broke up with me (I know, who tf would ever break up with me) and then I was forced to go to a Jason Aldean concert and sadly, that was my first Aldean concert, but not my last.*

Playing dumb is cute and that is a fact. That's why the girl who posts things like, "Does anyone know any fun recipes?" instead of Googling it has a husband and you don't. So this birthday, get him nothing and watch him fume. It's fun. Birthday arguments are a good way to start the new year.

What do y'all get your men???????????????????

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Miss America Was Everything You Hate About America

The pageant gods are looking down on me tonight because by the grace of Vanessa Williams, my channel 8 is working. And that never happens.

This is the 95th Miss America pageant, which means Granmary is older than Miss America. Let that sink in.

The awkward dancing has already started as all of the women introduce ourselves.

Miss Alabama- "The state that brought you Channing Tatum." What. Wut. Why.


Oh my god Miss Florida is dancing like she's at an actual Las Vegas Nevada club and I'm scared for how sore she's going to be in the morning because we've all been there.

The dancing. I cannot. I will not.

Miss Idaho- "From the state that brought you Napoleon Dynamite. Don't vote for Pedro, vote for me." Why. What abuse did you suffer through to think that was a good thing to say.

Miss Kansas has a shot

Miss Maryland has never won Miss America and that is very sad.

The dancing, y'all.

"Young women at home, can you see yourself competing to be Miss America?" -Brooke Burke, co-host, to audience. "Yes." -me to myself in my bedroom.

Running thoughts:
Miss Minnesota has a shot.
Miss Mississippi, too.
Miss Missouri omg the M's are good.
Miss New Mexico talked too fast. She's out.
Miss America 2015 is wearing a crop top. Remember Miss America last year when she did the cups song as her talent, I miss that.
Miss New York has a shot.
Miss North Dakota has never won omg sad.
Miss Oklahoma is always in the top 10 it's a law and mark my words.
I always forget about Puerto Rico.
The first black girl in the entire competition is Miss South Carolina.
Miss Tennessee is good.
Miss Texas will be in the top 10, also a law.
Miss Vermont said something about Ben and Jerry ice cream and I feel personally attacked right now.
They are wearing visors in the background and dancing on a golf course and honest to god, what is happening. This is so much worse than any SNL skit.
Now they are on stage and all wearing black and Brooke Burke is wearing white because she's a bridezilla, so they all want to kill her probably, which would make great television.

Brett Eldredge- looking for his next girlfriend, I'm sure.
Danica McKellar aka Winnie from The Wonder Years, why are you here.
Kevin O'Leary who is that, idk.
Amy Purdy I think she was on Dancing with the Stars once, don't quote me.
Zendaya is a judge and 10 bucks she asks a question about her dreads and the whole Giuliana Rancic thing and I will roll my eyes.
VANESSA WILLIAMS IS HERE OMG OMG OMG OMG. She was Miss America 1984 and resigned because she posed nude or something, I don't remember. Now, she is singing and what's happening. Vanessa Williams is the Pete Rose of beauty pageants. We will eventually welcome her back, it just takes time ok.
She's still singing help.

Now there's a white man speaking closely to Vanessa and I'm uncomfortable. It's like John Travolta and Scarlett Johannson. omg he's apologizing what is happening this is so odd he is so close to her.

We are going from 52 to 15. I like that cut I wish the bachelor would do that dramatic of a cut. Give it to us, Chris Harrison, the other co-host.
America's choice through voting or something: Miss Tennessee- she said something about math and kids and arthritis.
Miss Iowa- wants to own a nonprofit
Miss Virginia- had depression in high school
Miss South Carolina- literally the only black one, didn't hear one word she said
Miss Florida- the club dancer. "Iron sharpens iron" -something she actually just said about something.
Miss Oklahoma- told you. Her dad was a baseball player.
Miss Virginia- wait I thought she already got in, I missed someone, forgive me. Her dad is an FBI agent so good luck marrying her
Miss Alabama- "My mom is my best friend." Kill me now, please.
Miss Colorado- is a nurse
Miss Louisiana- wants to be on a sitcom or HBO series, so she wants to show her breasts, that ended well for Vanessa Williams, good luck
Miss Nebraska- something about bow and arrows, idk
Miss Georgia- she thinks she stands out because she never meets a stranger
Miss Mississippi- going to medical school, good luck.
Miss Arkansas- showed cattle growing up, can't wait for her talent portion

Swimsuit competition is coming up and Nick Jonas is here, as the DJ or some bullshit reason, but mainly he's looking for his next girlfriend I'm sure.

Oh, ok. It was Miss West Virginia, not Miss Virginia. Sorry, y'all. All of these girls basically look the same and none of them wore a one-piece, so now I'm mad. No high-waisted swimsuits either, so eff y'all. Y'all don't understand what it's like to have hips.

Omg Vanessa William's face during Miss Florida's swimsuit was so disgusted and unimpressed and I'm giggling.

Now there are a bunch of old Miss Americas and they are all wearing Mother of the Bride dresses, which is the most tragic thing to ever happen to feminism, if you really think about it.

no idea who this woman is i am so sorry.

12 move on to evening gown portion.
Florida, Colorado, Iowa, Mississippi, TEXAS, Tennessee, South Carolina, Alabama, Nebraska, Louisiana, Georgia, Oklahoma.

Oklahoma and Texas made top 12, seriously what do I win.

Brooke Burke just cut off Zendaya as she asked her some stupid question, so soon she'll be out of a job, too, like Guiliana Rancic. BECAUSE NO ONE MESSES WITH ZENDAYA.

Evening wear, let's judge these dresses
Florida- wearing a white wedding dress pretty much
Colorado- pretty red dress
Iowa- ugly blue dress I'm sorry
Mississippi- white jeweled dress
Texas- a blush dress with this tail/cape thing
Tennessee- red peplum dress THIS IS NOT 2013 SOMEONE HELP HER SOMEONE SAVE HER
South Carolina- a cheaper version of that Beyonce dress, omg she just said something about Bey too

Alabama- light pink dress, pretty ugly
Nebraska- ugly dress and it's teal
Louisiana- red dress with slit "I think sexy is empowering."
Georgia- a crop top dress that is white and ugly
Oklahoma- a pretty dress, she's going to win

Talent is the "most popular," Brooke Burke said. Talent is the "most painful," PMS said.
It's just, like, pageants are these women's talent, so why do we make them do anything else.
Florida- dancing. She's actually not that bad and I can say that because I danced in high school, so I'm an expert.
Oklahoma- singing "Happy Days Are Here Again." I'm three seconds in and already in pain, so I'll be on Facebook for the time being. See y'all soon.
Louisiana- singing "Climb Every Mountain." I have no comment.
Tennessee- playing some Latin song on the piano. But there's other music playing, so I can't really hear the piano, so now I think she's faking it. 100% sure she just banged on keys while the real stuff played.
Texas- singing "Son of a Preacher Man." Camera cuts to Taya Kyle and she is proud. Brett Eldrege is so bored, it's humorous. Fun fact from Miss Texas: She wants to be EIC at Vogue. Somewhere Anna Wintour is like:

Alabama- a contemporary dance from the Matrix and I cannot. Someone stop her. Someone cut off the music. She just fell out of her turn. She's on the floor. And spazzing. Why. Who.
Colorado- performing an original monologue. So public speaking. So being a beauty pageant queen. She's wearing scrubs and has a stethoscope. She's talking about some man named Joe with Alzheimer's. THIS IS NOT A TALENT. THROW IN A JOKE ABOUT ALZHEIMERS. SOMEONE TELL HER TO TRY STAND-UP COMEDY. I'M MAD.
South Carolina- singing "I Believe." Her mic is so low and I cannot hear one word she is saying. It's not great and I write music reviews occasionally, so I can say that. Side note: I just flexed in some weird way and my hips/lower back/something popped, so that's my Miss America talent.
Mississippi- playing violin. I already don't want to. I wouldn't know good violin playing from bad, but I'm pretty sure this is bad because it keeps squeaking.
Georgia- singing. Opera. It's as boring as you would guess. I'm 100% certain she just screamed out vowels and called it singing.

Talent is over. Commercial break. Thoughts:


Interview portion, more women get cut.
Colorado- O'Leary asks her about a woman being on the $10 bill. Which woman? SHE SAYS ELLEN DEGENERES. I'M NOT JOKING OMG SHE DID NOT SHE DID NOT.
South Carolina- Amy Purdy asks if she supports a ban on guns. She answers no, people should be educated.
Tennessee- Vanessa Williams asks about Planned Parenthood funding. She answers that funding shouldn't be cut off because of women's health or something.
Alabama- Tara Kylie asks. THAT'S WHAT BROOKE BURKE CALLED HER. I CANNOT. CHRIS KYLE IS LOOKING DOWN ON YOU RIGHT NOW MAD, BROOKE BURKE. She asks why is Donald Trump leading. She answers that the Republican party should be terrified. Taya is smiling.
Georgia- Brett Eldredge asks about Tom Brady and his balls. She asks for the question to be repeated.   "Did he cheat?" -Brett. "I would have to be there to feel the ball." -actual statement she said.
Mississippi- Zendaya is asking and I'm scared. Oh, god, she's asking about Kim Davis. Asking about if it violates the law and she answers that yes it did.
Louisiana- Danica/Winnie asking about #BlackLivesMatter. Should it be all lives matter? She answers something about labels and stopping police brutality with body cameras, so.

me rn because taya kyle didn't get to ask miss texas anything.
Seven women left and eight minutes until 10 p.m. how long does this atrocity last.

Miss America 2015 is walking down the aisle with See You Again playing, which is about Paul Walker dying, so RIP Miss America 2015, I guess. Your life is over at this year of your life.

Now the final seven are back in their evening gown attire and they are all wearing white and red, so there is some conspiracy theory going on. If you go for Miss America 2017, WEAR WHITE OR RED IN EVENING GOWN THIS IS A LIFE PMS HACK.

Ernst and Young counted the votes and I wish I could put that on my resume.

Fourth runner-up- Miss Alabama
Third runner-up- Miss Louisiana
Second runner-up- Miss Colorado
First runner-up- Miss Mississippi. She will step in if Miss America screws up, aka poses nude.
Now there are still three girls left on stage but only one is Miss America, this is a weird way to do it.


She is crying. They are bobby-pinning in her crown. She has an ugly cry face.

Miss America 2016 is literally a white woman named Betty so don't tell me we haven't come a long way, America.


Friday, September 11, 2015

I Recommend the Anxiety Diet


Let's take a trip down memory lane, everyone and explore PMS's anxiety tales.

1990-2010- No anxiety. I was a carefree child/preteen/teen who didn't worry about anything.

Summer 2011- Death. All death. My first panic attack was in an elevator in the middle of summer while I was helping my sister move. It's why, today, I don't go outside, I don't help anyone move, and I avoid elevators. That summer it was panic attacks every hour. Constantly thinking I was going to die because the panic attacks were so bad.

Summer 2011- MEDICINE. Thank you, Good Lord for medicine.

Yesterday- I made myself sick from being so anxious. Like it's-coming-out-of-both-ends sick. Like I'm-going-to-have-to-pull-over-and-vomit sick. Like I'm-drinking-Sprite-like-an-animal sick. And I didn't know why I was anxious.

And that's the worst part of the anxiety. When I don't know why I'm effing anxious. Is it a deadline? Is it a boy? Is it the heat? Is it my fear of being shot? I DON'T KNOW.

Then I go into this whole downward spiral of 'Is it woman's intuition?' And is woman's intuition even real? Steve Harvey was talking about it the other day (Sometimes I watch the Steve Harvey Show) and I was like omg I thought that was something women just made up to scare their husbands into thinking we know what they were doing (I don't have a husband so idk why I said we)? But maybe my intuition is trying to tell me that something bad is about to happen and my body is just reacting. Maybe this is all caused by the Steve Harvey Show and my body is just telling me not to watch such shitty television.

Then I start to think that maybe I'm just regular sick, like I have a stomach bug or something or Whataburger food poisoned me because this feeling is not anxiety-normal. So then I pop nine Peptos and watch my tongue turn black (side effects are fun) and watch Jimmy Fallon and pray that God can calm my anxiety. (He can.)


Anxiety triggers:

  • THE HEAT. Not the Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock movie either. Oh, man, that joke was good, someone write that down. But like when it's hot outside, my anxiety is through the roof. Yesterday, I went to go somewhere and it was so hot outside, I ran back inside and threw up.
  • Small spaces. This one is obvious, but I like to avoid elevators and sitting on the inside of the booth. I always have to be near the outside and on the aisle on planes. Help.
  • Drinking used to give me anxiety but I've grown up, thank god.
  • Catfish, The Bachelor, and UnREAL. Remember the show UnREAL. I mean, it's still on. But it was/is the scripted/real version of The Bachelor. I'm talking in past tense because one episode made me so anxious that I stopped watching the series all together. The Bachelor makes me anxious if I don't know the outcome. That's why I always look up spoilers. And I never know the ending for Catfish and usually my jaw is open the entire time because every time, it tricks me, but I love Nev and Max, so I keep going.
  • Traveling. It's not even the act of traveling, it's the thought of being away from home for a long period of time and missing something. FOMO is a real disease, everyone.

Side effects of my anxiety: 

  • Peeing. Peeing a lot. I peed maybe 15 times before Emily's wedding because I was so nervous and it wasn't even my wedding so haha yay marriage.
  • Yawing. If you ever see me yawning, I'm probably not tired because I take six naps a day. So that means I'm probably really effing anxious.

However, with all this said, I've lost like three pounds this week, so yay anxiety I guess.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Fashion Advice From PMS

Last night I accidentally bought a white dress from Urban Outfitters and I'm still physically distraught from it.



Here are all of the fashion rules I follow.

Is this a fashion blog now. Am I Courtney Kerr. Are y'all going to pin this blog post after reading this?

Rules PMS follows so you probably should, too:
1. No white after Labor Day
Listen, I don't make the rules. I just follow them until I die. No white after Labor Day is allowed unless they are white Converse, unless it's a white shirt, and unless it's a winter white dress. No white sandals, no white purses, no white jeans. And what is winter white, you just asked yourself. It's white but more winter-ey.

2. Look to Highland Park High School girls for fashion inspiration
I don't know, call me immature or an idiot, but there is something effortless and chic about a Highland Park gal strolling through NorthPark. Their hair is in a loose pony and their socks are pulled up higher than their high-top Converse and they are just cool. Sue me.

3. WWJD bracelets are back, baby
I found some at my parents' house yesterday and I wore it in the shower, to bed, to an interview and I regret nothing. Because it's like, what would Jesus do. Would he eat Braum's or Baskin Robbins during this Blue Bell drought? Would he drink pink wine? Would he start a Raider Power in a crowded bar? I don't know.

"We're with Jason Derulo." -my father's take on WWJD

4. Lesbians have the best shoes
Birkenstocks are cool and you know how I know that? Because HPHS girls wear them. And they got the look from the neighborhood lesbians. But if you can't afford Birkenstocks, get the uglier, knockoff version at Target because that's what Jesus would do. TWJWD.

5. When all else fails, go to
No explanation needed.

Friday, September 4, 2015

I Engaged In An Instagram War with Maria Menounos, kind of not really

Straight men, stop reading now. You're not going to understand any of this and honestly, it's just better if you don't endure and then come at me with a billion question.

Last week, I engaged in an actual Instagram war with Maria Menounos and I'm still mad as hell.

First: Who is Maria Menounos?
She hosts a bunch of entertainment news shows, but most recently, she took over at E! News when Giuliana Rancic left.

Second: Hmm, interesting, I guess?
Yes, because Maria and Giuliana allegedly don't like each other. I'm team G.

So here's how it went down. I'm scrolling through Instagram and for some reason unknown to God and everyone, I'm following Maria Menounos. She posted this video.

idk how to embed a video help

Why this video is interesting/stupid is because there are zero rumors out there that Maria doesn't like Catt Sadler or Jason Kennedy. The rumors are about how she and G don't get along and how Maria was gunning for G's job at E!

So I comment this.

I leave Instagram and get on with my day because I'm a professional.

Then I don't know how much longer, I get on Instagram again. I never get on Instagram. This is not me bragging. I'm on Twitter every second, but never on Instagram. You could go and slander my name all over Instagram and it would take me four weeks to see it. I don't have notifications on my phone either.

So a few hours later, when I was uploading a pic where I dressed like Tay Swift, I see Maria EFFING Menounos commented on my picture of Winston and me.

And she said this.

This could go one of two ways. She could have meant it like oh, sweet dog pic, or she could have meant it like oh, sweet dog pic. Do you hear the difference? Are you reading this blog correctly? This is why I need a podcast.

But, seriously, do you understand?

I'm mad as hell and I will never watch E! News again, mainly because I don't have cable but also because I dislike Maria Menounos.