Saturday, January 24, 2015


I don't know how to explain this without sounding crazy, but here goes nothing.

You see, my friends aren't normal. When we have an idea, we multiple it by 10 and then run with it. We sprint with it. We are a Kenyan in a marathon race thing.

So after asking the girls if it was ok if I wore a black dress (You never wear something without asking your friends for permission first), we decided we would all wear black dresses and make this a bachelorette party for an invisible bride.

I don't know why we need an excuse to have a good time. We are young, unmarried females in the city and can do pretty much anything we want, but I think it comes down to all of my friends really like to lie.

"I don't know why but my first instinct when meeting someone new is to lie." -Katie
So when we arrived at the bar, Augusta and I decided we would go up to unsuspecting males and tell them that we lost our bride and needed help finding her.

"We're in a bachelorette party and we lost our bride. We think she's hooking up with a guy who isn't her groom. She's wearing all white and her name is Anastasia. Can you help us find her?" -me to any male

"And her groom is black. And gay." -Augusta, royally messing up everything

You would be shocked at how many guys actually kind of believed us. We actually convinced two Asians to go back upstairs to look for made-up bride.

gullible asians. smh.

They asked us to come with them, but we told them we couldn't. So back they went, where they came from, which was upstairs, to look for our bride.

They came back downstairs and told us they couldn't find her, but we thanked them for trying.


Next, Augusta, Cayla and I went upstairs to try to find the bathroom, so of course, we asked everybody if they had seen our bride.

"We're looking for our bride and we think she's hooking up with someone who isn't the groom."

"That's effed up and not funny." -a random girl

Oh, I'm sorry???????? Did this one hit too close to home??????? Were you that bride once and then your fiance didn't marry you because you're a big ole slut??????

We moved on from that group because homegirl doesn't like jokes or helping people in need.

We went to the bathroom and Cayla got verbally assaulted by a girl. She came out of the bathroom, guns blazing, and said, "I was only in there for five minutes, b*tch." Oh, ok then.

Augusta and I met a guy and after we told him I interviewed Obama, he went off. He explained to us how Obama is a socialist and his wife is a slut and how he's a liar. Augusta and I agreed with everything he said.

"I read this book about him." -angry Obama guy

"Oh, yes!! I know what you're talking about. We read that book, too." -Augusta and me

"Yeah, where it said that Michelle Obama was a whore." -angry Obama guy said, while Augusta and I said it at the same time, but a few seconds delayed, like Garth and Kat.

garth and kat aka augusta and paige

"Such a crazy book." -August and I said, shaking our heads, trying to convince this guy we weren't mocking him the entire time.

After talking about Obama, we began to explain to this guy, who I named Jeremy, but his name wasn't Jeremy at all, I just felt like giving him that name, that we had lost our bride and needed help finding her.

That's when Katie comes up out of nowhere and says:

"This is a funeral bar crawl. Our bride died and we're drinking to remember her."

Silence. Complete silence for about seven seconds. And then we headed to the jukebox to play Taylor Swift and dance.

We asked probably 15 total strangers to help us #FindtheBride and no one was able to. By the end of the night, I was sitting down, winding down, and I had completely forgotten about Anastasia and #FindtheBride. A guy looks at me and says, "So, wait. Where is the bride? Are you not concerned about her at all?"

"She'll be fine," I said.

The night ended with Augusta, Katie and I getting kicked out of an Uber. It's fine we're fine.

Friday, January 23, 2015

It's been 13 days since I last blogged

It has been 13 days since I last blogged.


Well since I last blogged for Just PMSing.

You see, I've been really busy, writing about important worldly issues like ISIS, North Korea, President Barack Obama's State of the Union address, and other extremely important things.

OK, so none of that is true. But I have been writing a lot/eating a lot of ice cream/hanging out with friends.

Things I've been up to and will maybe help you realize why I haven't blogged.

1. I wrote The 10 Guys You Date in the Dallas Music Scene and three musicians basically told me I'm a genius and also really pretty, so I think I got it right.

i think mitch is a musician but honestly idk.
this person did not want their name used for fear of ruining his image and i'm like ok, i remember my first album.

None of these men said the words, "You are really pretty, Paige," but I think we can all read between the lines.

Also, none of those stories were from personal experience. I got all of the stories from a friend of a friend of a friend, so if you think one of the stories describes you perfectly, then wow what a coincidence because I have no idea what you're talking about.

2. I hung out with a bunch of 14-year-old girls and wrote about it.
*I tried making friends with the four girls in front of me, but they were not interested, so I was like Screw you, guys. I hate high school.

3. I became a sister wife and mastered my graphic design skills.

*It's important to note I'm the second sister wife, the fat one, and during an episode of Sister Wives, a TLC program, the one who is me took her scale to the gym because she thought it was broken and I was like ok then.

4. I dog and kitty sat and did you know cats don't really like dogs, which is something I didn't know until Radley hissed at Winston but Winston literally didn't care and I was like I remember my first romance.

Winston is helping fight doggie AIDS with his red beats. Bless him and his servant heart.
5. I gained a stalker.

After writing the 10 Dallas Women You've Probably Dated, I 1) got some great reviews and 2) received some interesting text messages.

i'm usually in deep ellum, but thank u.

And here is my stalker, kind of not really, whatever.

I have no idea who that person is, so if you have any leads, let me know.

Friday, January 9, 2015

How To Avoid High School "Friends" When You're Home

This post is probably really late because everyone is probably already back from visiting their families during the holidays probably.

But it's important to be prepared for upcoming holidays. There's MLK Day, Valentine's Day, Flag Day... And it's scary.

So because someone requested this blog and I'll do anything FOR THE PEOPLE, here is my guide on how to avoid high school friends when you're in your hometown.

Know your enemies
They aren't really enemies, but no one wants to run into Susan at Target and be forced to tell her that her engagement ring is beautiful. Ain't nobody got time for that. This is why you scope everything out beforehand. Go on Facebook. Go on Twitter. Go on Google+ i'm kidding and see where the people are. If you notice a lot of your high school "friends" are at the mall, avoid the mall at all costs.

RIP Reese and Ryan.

Get really skinny
Just lose a bunch of weight so nobody recognizes you and you can shop for Summer's Eve in peace without having to learn about Susan's retail marketing job.

i bet no one recognizes heidi montag when she goes back home to colorado.

Or get really fat
Start eating KFC and ice cream now so you can gain a bunch of weight by summertime. But don't change your pictures on Facebook, so everyone thinks you're still really skinny, and then when they see you, they don't recognize you and really this is just an excuse to eat KFC and ice cream, not that I need an excuse because I'm a grown woman.*
*I stained my fitted sheet on my bed and took it off to wash it and that was two weeks ago and it's still not back on, someone marry me.

literally only black people come up when you google kfc gif so ok.

Always look at your phone
There's nothing worse than seeing Susan and then having to quickly pull out your phone to look like you're busy. You and Susan both know it's just a cover-up. So to avoid this, just literally always be looking at your phone. Don't look up. You are a very important person, who is texting the mayor about important things, and you cannot be bothered.

Be drunk
Wherever you go, just be drunk. Target trip? Uber there and be drunk. The movies? Drunk. Grandma's house? Tipsy BECAUSE YOU RESPECT HER ENOUGH NOT TO BE DRUNK DRUNK. Alcohol makes any conversation better, so just carry around pink wine with you.*
*Please check your city's open container laws before doing this and do not use your one phone call in jail to call me.

Don't leave the house. 
Just don't. Be like me. Only leave the house to piss the dog or drive through KFC.*
*Don't call me when you enter depression.

Sorry if your name is Susan. For multiple reasons.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

My friend kissed a gay man from Tinder because dating is hard in 2015

*This blog is not about me. It's about a friend. No, seriously. It's not about me.*

So Tinder is horrible. Like, so bad. SO bad.

My friend, LET'S CALL HER PATRICIA BECAUSE WHY NOT, was on Tinder swiping right and left and chatting with young males.

But what is Tinder unless you actually meet them in person?

So Patricia decided to meet one of those males out on the town.

He texted Patricia to let her know he was in a blue pullover.

We headed out of the bathroom and the first male I spotted with a blue pullover, I asked if it was him. And it was.

He was with one other male. His other friend couldn't get in because his fake ID wasn't working.

HAHA, OH YEAH. This male turned 21 years old three months ago, but seriously, who is counting except for him because that's what he told Patricia.

So while Patricia and Tinder Boyfriend were getting to know each other, I made small talk with his friend.

"Oh, so y'all are friends?" -me
I don't know. I'm an introvert and small talk is hard for me, so I said the first thing that came to mind, but LUCKILY I DID ASK SAID QUESTION.

"No, he's my boyfriend." -friend

After he said that, I immediately grabbed Patricia and told her Becky needed to see us.

*Becky is a made-up person I created on the spot to help use get out of stressful/horrible/awkward/gay-boy situations.*

I told Patricia everything. I told everyone in earshot everything. PATRICIA'S TINDER BOYFRIEND WAS NOW PATRICIA'S GAY TINDER BOYFRIEND.

"But, Paige. If he was gay, why would he be on Tinder and why would he meet up with Patricia," you may be asking yourself right this very second.


After chatting and freaking out and telling everyone Patricia had been duped, GTB (Gay Tinder Boyfriend) texted her. That's when I grabbed the phone and texted this and I'm not even embarrassed or ashamed.

The boys then found us and tried to clear everything up.

"So, y'all aren't dating?" -me

"No." -GTB's friend

"How did y'all meet then?"



"I'm kidding!"


"No, we just hooked up a couple of times."


"I'm kidding.................. kind of. If we did, I don't remember."



I'M NOT LAUGHING. BECAUSE Y'ALL KIND OF GIVE ME THE GAY VIBES. Seriously, they did. And I love 'em a little gay. We all know this. This is not a secret. Can he identify your shade of makeup? That does not creep me out. That attracts me. But these guys just said, "We do not play for your team. Or we do. Because we like the same gender. So we're on the same team. But we won't be on the same team in life because we will never marry each other because I am gay and I do not like you." That's what I read.

But I've been wrong before (only like once), so who knows.

Patricia and GTB ended their night by kissing each other, so can everyone please send Patricia their thoughts. Dating Tinder is tough.