Saturday, January 24, 2015


I don't know how to explain this without sounding crazy, but here goes nothing.

You see, my friends aren't normal. When we have an idea, we multiple it by 10 and then run with it. We sprint with it. We are a Kenyan in a marathon race thing.

So after asking the girls if it was ok if I wore a black dress (You never wear something without asking your friends for permission first), we decided we would all wear black dresses and make this a bachelorette party for an invisible bride.

I don't know why we need an excuse to have a good time. We are young, unmarried females in the city and can do pretty much anything we want, but I think it comes down to all of my friends really like to lie.

"I don't know why but my first instinct when meeting someone new is to lie." -Katie
So when we arrived at the bar, Augusta and I decided we would go up to unsuspecting males and tell them that we lost our bride and needed help finding her.

"We're in a bachelorette party and we lost our bride. We think she's hooking up with a guy who isn't her groom. She's wearing all white and her name is Anastasia. Can you help us find her?" -me to any male

"And her groom is black. And gay." -Augusta, royally messing up everything

You would be shocked at how many guys actually kind of believed us. We actually convinced two Asians to go back upstairs to look for made-up bride.

gullible asians. smh.

They asked us to come with them, but we told them we couldn't. So back they went, where they came from, which was upstairs, to look for our bride.

They came back downstairs and told us they couldn't find her, but we thanked them for trying.


Next, Augusta, Cayla and I went upstairs to try to find the bathroom, so of course, we asked everybody if they had seen our bride.

"We're looking for our bride and we think she's hooking up with someone who isn't the groom."

"That's effed up and not funny." -a random girl

Oh, I'm sorry???????? Did this one hit too close to home??????? Were you that bride once and then your fiance didn't marry you because you're a big ole slut??????

We moved on from that group because homegirl doesn't like jokes or helping people in need.

We went to the bathroom and Cayla got verbally assaulted by a girl. She came out of the bathroom, guns blazing, and said, "I was only in there for five minutes, b*tch." Oh, ok then.

Augusta and I met a guy and after we told him I interviewed Obama, he went off. He explained to us how Obama is a socialist and his wife is a slut and how he's a liar. Augusta and I agreed with everything he said.

"I read this book about him." -angry Obama guy

"Oh, yes!! I know what you're talking about. We read that book, too." -Augusta and me

"Yeah, where it said that Michelle Obama was a whore." -angry Obama guy said, while Augusta and I said it at the same time, but a few seconds delayed, like Garth and Kat.

garth and kat aka augusta and paige

"Such a crazy book." -August and I said, shaking our heads, trying to convince this guy we weren't mocking him the entire time.

After talking about Obama, we began to explain to this guy, who I named Jeremy, but his name wasn't Jeremy at all, I just felt like giving him that name, that we had lost our bride and needed help finding her.

That's when Katie comes up out of nowhere and says:

"This is a funeral bar crawl. Our bride died and we're drinking to remember her."

Silence. Complete silence for about seven seconds. And then we headed to the jukebox to play Taylor Swift and dance.

We asked probably 15 total strangers to help us #FindtheBride and no one was able to. By the end of the night, I was sitting down, winding down, and I had completely forgotten about Anastasia and #FindtheBride. A guy looks at me and says, "So, wait. Where is the bride? Are you not concerned about her at all?"

"She'll be fine," I said.

The night ended with Augusta, Katie and I getting kicked out of an Uber. It's fine we're fine.

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