Friday, January 9, 2015

How To Avoid High School "Friends" When You're Home

This post is probably really late because everyone is probably already back from visiting their families during the holidays probably.

But it's important to be prepared for upcoming holidays. There's MLK Day, Valentine's Day, Flag Day... And it's scary.

So because someone requested this blog and I'll do anything FOR THE PEOPLE, here is my guide on how to avoid high school friends when you're in your hometown.

Know your enemies
They aren't really enemies, but no one wants to run into Susan at Target and be forced to tell her that her engagement ring is beautiful. Ain't nobody got time for that. This is why you scope everything out beforehand. Go on Facebook. Go on Twitter. Go on Google+ i'm kidding and see where the people are. If you notice a lot of your high school "friends" are at the mall, avoid the mall at all costs.

RIP Reese and Ryan.

Get really skinny
Just lose a bunch of weight so nobody recognizes you and you can shop for Summer's Eve in peace without having to learn about Susan's retail marketing job.

i bet no one recognizes heidi montag when she goes back home to colorado.

Or get really fat
Start eating KFC and ice cream now so you can gain a bunch of weight by summertime. But don't change your pictures on Facebook, so everyone thinks you're still really skinny, and then when they see you, they don't recognize you and really this is just an excuse to eat KFC and ice cream, not that I need an excuse because I'm a grown woman.*
*I stained my fitted sheet on my bed and took it off to wash it and that was two weeks ago and it's still not back on, someone marry me.

literally only black people come up when you google kfc gif so ok.

Always look at your phone
There's nothing worse than seeing Susan and then having to quickly pull out your phone to look like you're busy. You and Susan both know it's just a cover-up. So to avoid this, just literally always be looking at your phone. Don't look up. You are a very important person, who is texting the mayor about important things, and you cannot be bothered.

Be drunk
Wherever you go, just be drunk. Target trip? Uber there and be drunk. The movies? Drunk. Grandma's house? Tipsy BECAUSE YOU RESPECT HER ENOUGH NOT TO BE DRUNK DRUNK. Alcohol makes any conversation better, so just carry around pink wine with you.*
*Please check your city's open container laws before doing this and do not use your one phone call in jail to call me.

Don't leave the house. 
Just don't. Be like me. Only leave the house to piss the dog or drive through KFC.*
*Don't call me when you enter depression.

Sorry if your name is Susan. For multiple reasons.

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