Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Patricia Does Tinder Again

Boys are so effing cute sometimes you just want to kill them.

You. Want. To. Physically. Hurt. Them.

Friend of the blog, Patricia (whose name isn't really Patricia, but because I'm all about protecting the innocent, I changed her name), apparently didn't learn her Tinder lesson the first time, so she went back on.

Did you forget about her other blogworthy Tinder experience? Here's a reminder.

Remember now?

Ok, so Patricia yearns for male attention and that's ok. She is a woman. She is a feminist. This is ok. This is America. It's a free country. And Tinder is great for receiving said male attention. Except if Tinder isn't full of gay guys, it's full of guys in relationships.

No, like, seriously, I'm not kidding. This is a very serious blog and I do not play around.

After matching on Tinder and chatting, Patricia and Overalls (I don't know his real name and it's important to note Patricia called me and interrupted my shower one day just to tell me that this Tinder guy sent her a snapchat wearing overalls. She was disgusted, I was like ok, and now his name is Overalls) exchanged numbers. long sentence. out of breath.

Then he did the classic trick of adding her on Snapchat once he got her number, probably to make sure she wasn't really an 43-year-old dude Catfishing her.

This is what's it's like to date in 2015, just in case you're a Baby Boomer and reading this.

Because many people's Snapchat name features their last name, it's not hard to find them on Facebook and stalk them.


Here's something everyone needs to know. Women can find anything on social media. Anything.

  1. You can't just be snuggly with a girl one Friday night and then be tagged in a photo of flowers from another girl that next Tuesday and expect us not to notice. "I met her Saturday." hahaha k. 
  2. You can't just be a cam girl and expect no one to find out. 

It's cute. It's freakin adorable. It makes me want to hit a freakin puppy how guys think we are so clueless.

Because Patricia's balls are the size of dimes, I took matter into my own hands — literally, I took the phone from her and texted for her to let Overalls know a little something.

LIKE HOW IDIOTIC DOES PATRICIA LOOK?????????????????????!!!!???????? If your gut says the guy wearing overalls is probably up to no good, just trust it. Just put the phone down and walk away.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Jury Duty is Exactly Like The Bachelor

The similarities between jury duty and The Bachelor is haunting. It's scary. Someone should write a book about it. Someone should blog about it. Because I will do anything to serve my country, I decided to take the leap and do it. Chris Kyle would be proud.

every day is chris kyle day when ur a troop.

So I've been summoned to jury duty before but I got out of it because I was in school, much like my dad got out of 'Nam because he was in school.


But once you graduate college, there are a lot of things that happen. 1) It's no longer ok to date college boys 2) It's no longer ok to drink cheap wine 3) and sometimes jury duty happens.

Which brings me to my first comparison between jury duty and The Bachelor:

Comparison 1. When you're selected, your parents will laugh at you.

So when I met my parents for lunch and they handed over my piles of mail, I was pissed when I saw the jury duty letter.

My mother smiled and said, "We've been waiting to give this to you. We're so excited."

It was like someone secretly signed me up to be an adult and now I had to go through with it.

This has to be an effing joke.

Comparison 2. You have to be driven there

So when Feb. 17 came, I woke up at the asscrack of dawn and began to get ready. I Ubered there because it was cheaper than driving there and parking in downtown and easier than driving to a DART station and walking to the building. When I stepped out of the Uber, I stepped out like I was coming out of the limo the first night. Head held high knowing this was going to be the worst experience of my life.

except plot twist the pills were for me.

Comparison 3. I was not there to make friends

I guess I just don't understand the people who have the energy to chit chat in the mornings. It's why I don't work in an office. The thought of talking to people before noon makes me want to gag. People began to make friends and I looked on in disgust. What are they talking about? What do they have in common? We're not here to make friends. We're here to make sure every day is Chris Kyle day for the rest of our lives.

Comparison 4. We have no connection to the outside world

I sat down in the big room and took my laptop out. I had a 1:30 p.m. deadline that day, so I figured I could work while waiting. I soon found out that there was no wifi. This is America. This is the land of the freaking free. There was no wifi in this building. What was the point of Chris Kyle fighting for our rights if there was no wifi in the George Allen building in Downtown Dallas on a Tuesday morning??????????????????????????? I was alone with my thoughts and it was scary. I'm scared just thinking about it right now.

Comparison 5. Everyone has a freakin sob story

pool parties are a good time to bring up dead husbands.

You're not doing jury duty right until you pull the lawyer aside at a pool party and tell him how you were kidnapped as a child and don't think you could be fully unbiased. It's not jury duty until you claim every bias in the world to try to get out of it. It's not jury duty until you literally say I have a broken hip and I can't sit on these benches any longer. It's not jury duty until you begin crying because you had a miscarriage once.

Once 56 of us were jammed into a tiny courtroom, the lawyers began to ask us a bunch of questions and it was boring. It was like a cocktail party. You're just hoping he calls your name to talk alone, but he never does. I thought maybe if I fell asleep during the questioning, they would automatically rule me out, but they didn't.

Comparison 6. Journalists never get picked

she was sent home, not because she's crazy but because she's a journalist.

There have been a total of maybe three journalists on The Bachelor. This is because ABC doesn't want them going back and writing about their experience. This is the same in jury duty. They don't want some journalist who can't keep a secret going back and blabbing to the entire newsroom about a case and I guess I'm just like, I'm very trustworthy and can keep a secret for about 15 minutes.

So they asked people about what they did for a living if it related in anyway to the case. Because they had our occupations listed in front of them, they would ask me what I wrote about. I mean I'm a freelance journalist, shouldn't they be considered that maybe possibly I write about very serious things like murder cases and law cases and ISIS and Obama and Syria and other important things???????????????????

They didn't ask me anything and I was pissed. Like, ok. Do I not look smart enough????

Comparison 7. There is no food

Just like in The Bachelor mansion, there was no food. And by no food, I mean I headed down to the cafeteria and cried into my chicken salad sandwich. On The Bachelor, they just want you to get liquored up. In jury duty, they just want you to starve to death until you finally convict someone

Comparison 8. There was a villain 

After hours upon hours of questioning from two lawyers who wish they were as cute as Chris Harrison, we then had to leave the room. I found myself a snuggly chair and began to nap. EXCEPT THIS LOUD MAN WAS TALKING ON THE PHONE TO GOD KNOWS WHO ABOUT HIS BROKEN HIP AND I WAS LIKE I'LL SHOW YOU BROKEN HIP. I put my beats on, turned on Ed Sheeran and fell asleep.

When I woke up he was looking at me and asked how much my beats were.

The same price as your broken hip surgery, I didn't say because I was scared of him.

Comparison 9. I wasn't pretty enough to get picked

I was basically the token black girl on The Bachelor. The lawyer called 12 names into the room and I wasn't one of them. It was humiliating. I cried to my Uber driver, like he was a producer of the show.

"I didn't see this coming."

"I'm blind-sighted."

"What did he see in the others that he didn't see in me?"

Sunday, February 22, 2015

My Very In-Depth Review of Sean Lowe's Book

It's sad how many biography books I've read. I had never opened a Harry Potter, Twilight, or Hunger Games book, but I've read a book by Alyssa Milano about being a baseball fan. k.

i have literally read this book what is the matter with me.

After reading Sean Lowe's book, I was able to rank it with other similar books.

Very Informative Ranking Of Books By Celebrities Who Also Happen To Be Christian:

  1. Justin Bieber's mom's book (This is a great book and I suggest everyone read it. This woman is a saint for multiple reasons.)
  2. Josh Hamilton (I mean we know his story, but the part where he see the devil in the clouds gives me chills.)
  3. Kate Plus 8 (Don't hate, but I remember her walk with God being pretty cool.)
  4. Sean Lowe (I've read better, I've read worse.)
  5. The Vow (The book before the movie. It was faith-based and 100-times better than the movie. Sue me.)
  6. Tim Tebow (Holy moly, this book was boring. Like, do some drugs or something because I'm bored. I'm reading and sleeping, reading and sleeping.)
  7. 19 Kids and Counting (And by boring, nothing will beat this book. Because it was the actual worst.)

This book was mainly boring but yolo I read it. I asked y'all to ask me questions and I would answer them, but y'all's questions were so dumb, I actually sat down to watch an episode of Teen Mom just so I could feel smarter. However, the book had some interesting points.

  • Did you know during Brad Womack's first season, he got ahold of a cellphone and called his ex and begged for her back? And that's why he didn't choose either girl. Does anyone remember Brad Womack's first season? Does anyone remember Brad Womack B.E.M. (before emily maynard i'm good at acronyms)
  • Sean dated Brooke, a former DCC, and somehow managed to let her get away. Let's take a moment to just look at Brooke.
if you watch dcc making the team like i do, then you know she almost didn't make it because she was too fat hahaha murder me.

  • Now Brooke is married to Laynce Nix and no, I didn't spell his name wrong. He spells it like that, so there's that. I've met Laynce before at some baseball signing. I was like 14. I remember him being really dumb. I also think I've met Brooke but don't like hold me to that. I've also met Sean, so I practically wrote this book.

    14 was hard.

    • In the book, Sean tells us about his Bachelorette experience and how he fell in love with Emily and blah blah blah. Nothing super interesting happened EXCEPT, you know how Emily made it seem like she turned down the fantasy suite card for Sean? Well, that was just for the cameras. They really spent alone time together and after Emily filmed one of her one-on-one interviews with the producers, she walked back into the room, looking for Sean and said, "Where's my boyfriend?" AND THEN SHE DUMPED HIM THE NEXT ROSE CEREMONY. Like, ok then.
    • He talks a lot about production and filming and how close they all get with the producers. He said the producers pick the order of the guys when they come out of the limos the first night. The first guy/girl is someone who the producers think have a shot at winning. Sean was the first out during Emily's season. Other firsts:
      • Chantal who was the runner-up during Brad's second season
      • Britt who got the first impression rose from Chris
      • I can't think of any others but you get the point ok.
    • We also learned one of the reasons he sent AshLee home was because she was a little fame hungry. During their fantasy suite, she suggested they star in a reality show after getting off The Bachelor. He saw this as a red flag because yeah, that's weird.

    she looks mad tbh.

    • He says in the book that he literally didn't know who he was going to choose until the day before. Lindsay had the faith and Catherine had the fun.

    STORY OF MY ACTUAL LIFE. Do you date the guy who you actually like being around or do you date the Christian who can't take a joke???????????????????

    • Anyway, he spent all the time with Catherine and then was like, I don't know if she even loves Jesus and I'm like ok, I remember my first relationship. Like, how did that happen? How did you spend all that time with her and say faith is the most important part of your life and then be like, I think I'm going to propose to her, but does she even love Jesus?????????????? k.
    • So then they get proposed and everything is grand until literally a minute later when Sean decides to go on Dancing With The Stars and basically kill their relationship. They both move to LA and Catherine gives up everything for him. She was some badass graphic designer in Seattle, who was a vegan and probably drank out of a Nalgene and then this Texan Sean guy is like hey, let's get married and you need to watch me compete on DWTS. And she did it. Anyway, they had troubles, but they worked through it and they got married and blah blah blah.

    SPOILER ALERT: Catherine ends up getting saved and everything works out and I remember my first happy marriage.

    catherine is cool.
    Anyway, all in all this book was fine. I can't really complain considering Sean signed it the way I asked him. God bless our troops.

    Friday, February 13, 2015

    I got a Tumblr if anyone was concerned about my maturity level

    If you are a mega Taylor Swift fan like me (who am I kidding, no one is on my level), then you know Tay has been interacting with her Swifties mostly on Tumblr.

    That's why I decided to cave and get on because I want to be young and cool and STOP ME IF I'VE MADE THIS JOKE BEFORE, but I want to be everything Dina Lohan thinks she is. Yeah, pretty sure I've made the same joke but with Kris Jenner instead. bloggingishard.

    8:06 p.m. I enter Kassidy's room. I tell her I have an idea. She looks at me scared. The last time I had an "idea," we ended up on in a pot dealer's dorm room at 9 p.m. because journalism. BUT THAT'S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE. I tell her I want to get a Tumblr. She says "cool." I wonder how people can make decisions so easily without analyzing everything for five to six months beforehand.

    8:10 p.m. I type in "" into my Internet search bar thing.

    8:11 p.m. I sign up.

    8:11:42 p.m. I need to come up with a username. I contemplate whether I should do something Tay-related and cute or just stick to my classic "paginaskinner." I yell across the apartment to ask Kassidy her opinion.

    *Actual conversation*
    Me: Should I make my username something Taylor Swift-related?

    KK: I don't know. Does she follow people who do that?

    Me: Yes, she followed a Swiftie with the Tumblr name "givethescarfbackgyllenhaal."

    KK: Yeah, but what if you want to use your Tumblr for other things besides stalking Tay?

    Me: You're right.

    And she is right. FUN STORY TIME EVERYBODY GRAB YOUR CARDIGAN BECAUSE MR. ROGERS IS HERE. An ex-boyfriend made me sign up for Twitter. I didn't want to do it but because I was 20 years old and impressionable, I did it. He was like, what do you want your username to be? I was like, I don't effing know. Make it pagina. I'm never going to use it anyway. AND NOW I HAVE BRAD MUTHAEFFIN PAISLEY FOLLOWING ME. Now I am Twitter. Twitter is me. I don't go 30 minutes without looking at Twitter.

    8:14 p.m. I settle on paginaskinner for a username.

    8:15 p.m. Setting/personalization time. I choose the first picture of myself I can find. It's a picture of me on a bench outside my college newsroom where I spent my entire college career and I'm wearing coral pants. We're off to a good start.


    8:17 p.m. I need a cover photo. I go through my photos on my computer and I have enough Taylor Swift pictures to actually kill someone slash have her file a restraining order against me, but she would never do that because I'm literally too pretty. I choose one titled "alltoowell.gif." It's a gif of her performing "All Too Well" at the 2014 Grammys and she's flipping her hair.

    8:20 p.m. I follow everybody. I follow givethescarfbackgyllenhaal because that username is freaking hilarious. I follow Tay herself. I follow all of the suggested follows. I even follow Kylie Jenner because torture is fun.

    8:30 p.m. I reblogged something and added "WHO IS SHE" to it so Tumblr and I are already off to a great start.

    **Tumblr is really funny. You know how on Facebook everybody loves themselves and brags about their mom and their boyfriend and their dog's first do-do. And then Twitter is that cynical-ass cousin who hates themselves but is really effing funny. Well Tumblr is that drunk uncle is funny to the new level. This uncle uses gifs and videos and says funny things and it's the best. 

    ***Also the people on Tumblr are new-level fans. They're the fans who call their idol mommy and daddy. Like those people. I feel right at home.

    8:41 p.m. I can't figure out where the notifications are and I'm positive I should have notifications by now. I mean, look at me. Look at my profile picture. I'm wearing coral pants. I'm sitting on a bench. I'm wearing sunglasses. I'm the coolest chick the TTU Media and Communication building has ever seen.

    9:30 p.m. Still no notifications.

    10 a.m. THE NEXT MORNING. Still no notifications. Hmm, interesting, I think to myself while watching Wendy Williams and wondering if I will ever love a man as much as Wendy OR Taylor. I'm going to download the Tumblr app on my phone because I'm sure the notifications will show up there.

    10:02 a.m. Ok, ok, ok. So I still don't have any notifications but you know Rome wasn't built in a day. OH SHI*T. TAYLOR AND KARLIE ARE ON THE COVER OF VOGUE TOGETHER????????????????????? I LOVE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I LOVE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF.

    10:15 a.m. I watch the new Style video.

    11 a.m. I cut my bangs to look more like her in the Style video.


    3:30 p.m. So I don't have any notifications and I guess I just wish I knew why slash knew how to be prettier so these Tumblr girls would like me.

    It's fine I guess. I'm going to change my profile picture to the side-by-side pic of me and Tay in our dresses bye.


    Wednesday, February 11, 2015

    My Worst Dates. Happy Valentine's Day.

    Do we even need an introduction? Valentine's Day is like 60 seconds away and soon you will see that blonde tramp getting an oversized teddy bear at her locker from the hottest guy in school. And you will want to kill her. Valentine's Day is so annoying, it's actually fun. And by fun, I mean a stab to the eye. Leave it to PMS to bring you her worst date stories, so maybe you can giggle.

    Justin Bieber guy
    I'm not just calling him Justin Bieber guy because his story has to do with JB. I'm also calling him this because I literally can't remember his name. Anyway, I'm always reluctant to go out with guys who are older than me. Maybe it's all in my head, but I always feel like they are talking down to me. And I think this because two times out of two, it's true. I went out with this guy and everything is going fine. We are laughing it up. He is literally throwing his head back because he is laughing so hard at my jokes. I was like, I get it. We get it. I'm funny, but don't act like a mentally challenged person. ANYWAY. SOMEHOW, Justin Bieber gets brought up because seriously, it's a date with me, so of course I'm going to bring up Bieber. I said something ignorant about what a great musician he is. IT WAS A JOKE. I HAD ALSO JOKED ABOUT MURDER EARLIER IN THE EVENING AND HE THOUGHT THAT WAS A HOOT. so I say something about Bieber and honest to god, you would have thought I said something about hitler. This guy goes off the deep end. He tells me how people my age don't know good music. He's about six years older than me and apparently so old he's a Vietnam war vet because that was the last time I saw him. Why. Are. You. So. Worked. Up. About. Bieber. k.

    Mom Guy
    "Hey, let's go see a movie!"
    "Man, this line is a bummer. Can't believe we have to wait to get into the movie."
    "Yeah, totally. I'm going to call my mom."
    He called his mom while he was on the date. I stood there in horror. Like, how bad of a date am I that you feel the need to call your mother. Where is her tit? Do you need to be fed soon? Let me know. It's fine. I'm totally over it.

    Sorry, Kliff Kingsbury is on my TV and I need to pause this blog and fantasize about Kliff because I bet he doesn't call his mom on dates. Mainly because she's dead but still.

    Mom Guy 2
    I WISH THE MOTHER STORIES ENDED THERE, BUT THEY DON'T. This is a different guy but apparently I attract the mama's boys. While we were eating dessert (a brownie to be exact, God, my memory is on point), he texted her a picture of what we were eating while on the date. That's weird, right? I'm not being overdramatic, right? Like, common courtesy is to not text your mother while on a date, right? Am I asking for too much here?

    Big 12 School
    His name was the same name as a Big 12 school. So his name could be Texas or Tech or Iowa or Kansas or Baylor, I don't know. So Big 12 and I meet one night and then decide to get drinks. I literally caught his attention because I was doing model poses in front of a fan in a bar and if that's isn't a classic PMS story, I don't know what is. So as we are talking over drinks, he finds out I'm an undergrad. I MIGHT AS WELL HAD BEEN A TODDLER. He nearly flipped the table he was so mad. I'm kidding but I love dramatic effect. But he did get up and mutter under his breath, "I'm going to go get another whiskey while I try to digest the fact you're still an undergrad." WHAT. I know I don't look older than 20 years old. Like, how in the world did he think I was any older than that. And this tool was in his residency NOT WORKING and talking to me about how I'm still an undergrad? Psh. He was an asshat. </rant>

    us, according to him.

    Happy Valentine's Day. SNL's 40th anniversary special is that night, so go ahead and just choose that.

    Saturday, February 7, 2015

    "Let's go meet Sean Lowe!"

    How basic can four girls be. How white can four basic girls be. We could not be whiter or more basic unless we had framed paintings of the Eiffel Tower above our toilet.

    we are so basic and white we are practically this bachelor contestant.

    After brunch (God, still so white and basic), Augusta, Cayla, Ali and I decided to head to SMU's bookstore to meet former Bachelor Sean Lowe.

    And by we decided, I mean, I said I was going and because Augusta forced me to brunch, she felt bad, so decided to go, Ali joined, and I told Cayla I would go to the Dallas Museum of Art with her if she would meet a former reality star with me.

    We walked into the bookstore and a nice man asks what we are there for.


    So he then tells us we can buy his book at the register.

    "He has a book?" -Augusta

    Yes, this was a book signing. Sean Lowe doesn't just show up to bookstores for personal appearances and to be gawked at by teenaged girls unless he is profiting from it somehow.

    So I went to buy the book and I only spent half of my savings.

    dis book better cure aids.


    So we went and stood in line and honestly, it was only 16-year-old white girls. And some moms. But mainly young girls. WHO BROUGHT HIM FLOWERS AND I WAS LIKE LADIES, YOU MAKE THE MAN GIVE YOU FLOWERS. anyway.

    While we waited in line, Augusta took pictures.

    She was wearing last night's clothes because what is dignity. Also, a woman came by with sticky notes so we could write what we wanted Sean to sign our book. I wrote this.

    Then we brainstormed what we would ask him. Questions that didn't make the cut:

    1. If you were in the Twin Towers while they were burning down, would you jump out of the building or just burn to death?
    2. What is your favorite Bible verse? You can't say John 3:16
    3. Our friend is starting a book club with her non-believing boyfriend. What book do you recommend?
    4. Is Catherine having a boy or a girl?
    5. Will you rank us like a dog show? We will trot for you.

    Questions that did make the cut SLASH ACTUAL QUESTIONS WE ASKED SEAN LOWE:

    1. Who is the best guitar player of our generation?
    2. What is your favorite book in the Bible?
    3. When you do decide to have a child, can you ask for me at Baylor, so I can deliver it? Ali asked that one because she's a baby nurse.
    4. If you had to give a first impression rose to one of us right now, who would it be?
    5. Will you read our blogs? Yes, Augusta and I wrote our blogs on a business card and handed it to him because we have no shame in our game.
    He answered all of them and DRUMROLL PLEASE HERE ARE HIS ANSWERS:

    1. John Mayer. Like, ok then, I would have said Brad Paisley but whatever.
    2. John. Like ok, do you know any other names besides John?
    3. He told Ali he would remember that and be sure to ask for her.
    4. After we asked this, Augusta says to this God-fearing man, "And you can't choose Cayla just because her boobs are big." LIKE OK AUGUSTA YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT. Anyway, he said he would divide the rose into four and give it to all of us. Awwwwwww. I remember my first politically correct answer. PICK ONE OF US.
    5. He said he would definitely check out our blogs and I just need to know if you're reading this, Sean. So can you leave a comment or favorite this tweet or something. Or, I mean, you could tweet it out to your 94 million teenaged girl followers or whatever, I mean I spent $27 on a book for you, I think you could give me the decency of letting me know you're reading this.

    God bless. God bless Sean Lowe for not calling security on us and actually signing my book how I wanted.

    he looks scared.

    Wednesday, February 4, 2015

    I went to the dentist today

    Let's start out by saying my father told me my dentist appointment was at 10:45.

    Upon arriving at the dentist office at 10:40, the woman tells me my appointment was at 10:15 and to come back at 1. She basically shunned me and it was embarrassing. I felt like Tiffany in America's Next Top Model when Tyra went off on her.

    not at all how it happened. but it's my blog.

    So I went back to my parents' house and ate lunch with my dad.

    But because I no longer live there and my mother has literally thrown everything I ever owned away, there was not a toothbrush for me to use after lunch.

    And you can't just go to the dentist after lunch without first brushing your teeth. What am I, a disgusting monster pls don't answer that if you've ever seen my bedroom.

    So my dad dropped me off at CVS to buy a toothbrush.

    Upon walking in, the woman asks if I need help finding anything. No, I don't need help finding a toothbrush, considering this CVS is the size of my apartment, but I'll let this woman feel special for half a second and tell her I need help finding a toothbrush.

    I thought she would simply tell me what aisle it's on, but no, CVS workers in Garland, Texas want to really ensure their customers feel helped.

    So this woman proceeds to walk out from behind the register, which took her about 20 seconds, and then walk me to where the toothbrushes are. By the time it took her to walk out from behind the registers, I had already found the freakin' toothbrushes. She was stopped by another customer, so I went on without her.

    I paid for the toothbrush and if you had to guess, how much do you think toothbrushes are?

    99 cents?

    Maybe $1.29?

    Maybe $2.30?


    God, we're finally to the dentist part of the story and I'm literally already physically exhausted from typing. Prayers pls as I continue on.

    So I arrive at the dentist and the teeth cleaning lady introduces herself and actually shakes my hand. I was like ok, we aren't like doing business with each other, but yes, hello, nice to meet you I guess.

    Let's preface this with this woman was nice. Lovely. Grand. But she was Debbie Freakin Downer.

    She asked where I lived.

    "I live in Uptown. Close to Katy Trail."

    "Oh, be careful. The dentist's daughter got held up at gunpoint over there and mugged."

    *puts chainsaw in my mouth so I can't respond*

    Oh, ok. Well now that that's out of the way, let's clean my teeth, I guess. She does the typical dentist thing where she scrapes my entire mouth and then is like, you're bleeding too much and I'm like well yeah, sometimes that happens.

    She takes X-rays of my mouth and has to put these things in my mouth to make my smile right for the X-ray. It was poking and prodding in my gums and I wanted to gag.

    Actually, I did gag.

    And when she was cleaning my teeth and did that thing where she put water in my mouth and then sucked it all up, and I gagged. She asked me if I was ok. DO I LOOK OK, WOMAN.

    And then every time I got slobber around my mouth, she would wipe it up with a slobber-filled napkin and I was like, I appreciate this, but I actually did my makeup today, so if you could not mess it up, that would be actually cool.

    While she is cleaning my teeth, all I can literally think about is why dentists commit suicide. This is a fact. It's the deadliest occupation or something because so many commit suicide. I'm too lazy to Google the official stat, but can you please just trust me on this?

    So she finishes cleaning and while we are waiting for the dentist to come in and poke around his mirror a couple of times, she makes small talk with me about the weather.

    Insert Debbie Downer moment 2.

    "It's weird because February is supposed to be the coldest month, but it's been so nice." -dentist lady

    "Yeah, but it will probably get cold soon." -me

    "I just hope we don't get any ice." -lady

    "Yeah." -me, even though, I'm like, idk ice is fun sometimes.

    "Last time we got ice, I lost control of my car and slid into a median and ruined my car." -lady


    "Oh." -me

    So, yeah, the dentist finally came in and I KID YOU NOT, the first words out of his mouth were, "So, I hear you have a blog."

    my face when he told me that.

    So, hey, dentist and dentist lady, if you're reading this. I pray you aren't reading this.

    Monday, February 2, 2015

    Working From Home

    The other day I woke up because I felt someone staring at me.

    It was Kassidy in a bath towel staring at me.

    still shot of kk i captured.

    I woke up and said, "Is there no hot water?"

    No, she said. I'm kidding. She said a lot more words that are NSFW.

    This happened around 7 a.m. but I wasn't up because I work from home and wake up whenever I want to.

    I often tell people I work from my bed, which makes me sounds like a crazy (good) prostitute, but that is not the case. I'm just a freelance journalist. And I work on my laptop in bed all day long. Don't try to convince me to set up a desk and do it there because no.

    It's hard. It's really hard being me. It's hard working from your bed because sometimes you're in the middle of writing a story or transcribing an interview and you just fall asleep, which is like, hey, this story is so boring to write, you should definitely read it when it's published. ANYWAYS, being alone for most of the day is tough. And, trust me, I like my alone time. I loooooove my alone time. And even I drive myself crazy.

    By the time Kassidy gets home, all I want to do is chat and chat and chat. I want to watch TV with her. I want to go out to eat with her. I want to beg her to never leave me again.

    I'm an introvert. Nobody ever believes me, but it's true. I'm inside my head all day and get my energy from being alone. But working from home is rough. Really, really rough.

    I talk to Winston all day. I don't talk to him in my normal voice. I, of course, use my dog voice to talk to him because dogs only understand humans who speaks in a baby voice. I find a way to use the words he knows like, "potty," "do-do," "stay," and "no." I've made up an entire scenario about Winston and our neighbor's dog, June, and how they are in love. June's owners know nothing about this and if they knew how often I ask Winnie things like, "Do you miss June," they would file a restraining order. I also sing to Winnie. During Wendy Williams each morning, when the audience chants, "Wendy, Wendy, Wendy," I chant, "Winnie, Winnie, Winnie," and help.

    I go to the park
    The past few days in Dallas have been marvelous and I hate the outdoors. So I've taken advantage of it by taking Winston to the park (basically a large piece of grass). I still don't have a lot of human interaction, but at least I'm outside. There are two weed-smoking lesbians there most of the time and I'm like 1) Can y'all get a job and 2) Can I be y'all's friend? There were two homeless men there the other day and they didn't even try to speak to me, so yeah, even homeless men think I'm sad.

    Once I've watched everything I need to watch for the day (Wendy Williams, TMZ, TMZ Live), then I sometimes turn on Netflix to help pass the time while working. I watched the Jodi Arias Lifetime movie twice in two days. TWICE IN TWO DAYS WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME. I just love it. I love the guy who plays Travis Alexander. He's attractive. I love how crazy Jodi is. I love how big of a douchebag Travis is. I love it all.

    Judge Judy
    OK, so sometimes I just never make it to Netflix and continue to watch channel 4 all day. And at 4 p.m. Judge Judy comes on and I honestly hate it so much. She's so mean. Not the sassy mean either like Wendy Williams. Just plain mean. And the other day, I was watching it and was crushing on the defendant. He was being sued by his mom because he left his apartment messy. I was like, ok, we've all been there. Anyway, he won, so yeah, at least I crush on winners.

    kent hance favorited this tweet.

    What are pants
    I don't remember the last time I put on pants. I have nothing to complain about in this section of the blog because it really is nice. The man at Gap tried to sell me slacks the other day and I looked him straight in the eye and said, "No. I am not a slacks girl." It's probably the best part of my job.

    I vacuum a lot during the day. It's a stress reliever for me. UberFacts tweeted the other day that people who work with pets around them are less stressed out and I'm like, who is working with pets around them besides people who work from home? And I still get stressed out. I GOT A FREAKIN COLD SORE THE OTHER DAY IF ANYONE WANTS TO MARRY ME. Anyway, when I'm waiting for a source to email/call/write me back, I typically vacuum. It's also fun seeing Winston so scared of it. Tehe.

    I tweet a lot
    When I have no one to talk to, I just tweet things and hope something sticks. And sometimes Josh Abbott tweets me and I'm like, can you sit down. I DIDN'T EVEN TAG HIM IN THE ORIGINAL TWEET AND HE STILL FOUND IT AND I WAS LIKE OK THEN.


    Here is some advice from PMS (I should start an advice column?????): Don't work from home if you're an extrovert. If you're unsure which one you are, take an online quiz. Or ask me. I'm really good at knowing.