Wednesday, February 4, 2015

I went to the dentist today

Let's start out by saying my father told me my dentist appointment was at 10:45.



Upon arriving at the dentist office at 10:40, the woman tells me my appointment was at 10:15 and to come back at 1. She basically shunned me and it was embarrassing. I felt like Tiffany in America's Next Top Model when Tyra went off on her.

not at all how it happened. but it's my blog.

So I went back to my parents' house and ate lunch with my dad.

But because I no longer live there and my mother has literally thrown everything I ever owned away, there was not a toothbrush for me to use after lunch.

And you can't just go to the dentist after lunch without first brushing your teeth. What am I, a disgusting monster pls don't answer that if you've ever seen my bedroom.

So my dad dropped me off at CVS to buy a toothbrush.

Upon walking in, the woman asks if I need help finding anything. No, I don't need help finding a toothbrush, considering this CVS is the size of my apartment, but I'll let this woman feel special for half a second and tell her I need help finding a toothbrush.

I thought she would simply tell me what aisle it's on, but no, CVS workers in Garland, Texas want to really ensure their customers feel helped.

So this woman proceeds to walk out from behind the register, which took her about 20 seconds, and then walk me to where the toothbrushes are. By the time it took her to walk out from behind the registers, I had already found the freakin' toothbrushes. She was stopped by another customer, so I went on without her.

I paid for the toothbrush and if you had to guess, how much do you think toothbrushes are?

99 cents?

Maybe $1.29?

Maybe $2.30?

NO. NO. This toothbrush, which was the cheapest I could find, was $4.32. FOUR DOLLARS AND THIRTY-TWO CENTS. I'M SORRY. DOES THIS TOOTHBRUSH ALSO CURE AIDS? DOES IT WHITEN MY TEETH? DOES IT MAKE MEN FALL IN LOVE WITH ME? no. It doesn't.

God, we're finally to the dentist part of the story and I'm literally already physically exhausted from typing. Prayers pls as I continue on.

So I arrive at the dentist and the teeth cleaning lady introduces herself and actually shakes my hand. I was like ok, we aren't like doing business with each other, but yes, hello, nice to meet you I guess.

Let's preface this with this woman was nice. Lovely. Grand. But she was Debbie Freakin Downer.

She asked where I lived.

"I live in Uptown. Close to Katy Trail."

"Oh, be careful. The dentist's daughter got held up at gunpoint over there and mugged."



*puts chainsaw in my mouth so I can't respond*

Oh, ok. Well now that that's out of the way, let's clean my teeth, I guess. She does the typical dentist thing where she scrapes my entire mouth and then is like, you're bleeding too much and I'm like well yeah, sometimes that happens.



She takes X-rays of my mouth and has to put these things in my mouth to make my smile right for the X-ray. It was poking and prodding in my gums and I wanted to gag.



Actually, I did gag.



And when she was cleaning my teeth and did that thing where she put water in my mouth and then sucked it all up, and I gagged. She asked me if I was ok. DO I LOOK OK, WOMAN.

And then every time I got slobber around my mouth, she would wipe it up with a slobber-filled napkin and I was like, I appreciate this, but I actually did my makeup today, so if you could not mess it up, that would be actually cool.

While she is cleaning my teeth, all I can literally think about is why dentists commit suicide. This is a fact. It's the deadliest occupation or something because so many commit suicide. I'm too lazy to Google the official stat, but can you please just trust me on this?

So she finishes cleaning and while we are waiting for the dentist to come in and poke around his mirror a couple of times, she makes small talk with me about the weather.

Insert Debbie Downer moment 2.



"It's weird because February is supposed to be the coldest month, but it's been so nice." -dentist lady

"Yeah, but it will probably get cold soon." -me

"I just hope we don't get any ice." -lady

"Yeah." -me, even though, I'm like, idk ice is fun sometimes.

"Last time we got ice, I lost control of my car and slid into a median and ruined my car." -lady

OH, OK. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ME ABOUT HOW YOU WERE KIDNAPPED AS A CHILD, TOO?

"Oh." -me

So, yeah, the dentist finally came in and I KID YOU NOT, the first words out of his mouth were, "So, I hear you have a blog."

my face when he told me that.

So, hey, dentist and dentist lady, if you're reading this. I pray you aren't reading this.

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