Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Jury Duty is Exactly Like The Bachelor

The similarities between jury duty and The Bachelor is haunting. It's scary. Someone should write a book about it. Someone should blog about it. Because I will do anything to serve my country, I decided to take the leap and do it. Chris Kyle would be proud.

every day is chris kyle day when ur a troop.

So I've been summoned to jury duty before but I got out of it because I was in school, much like my dad got out of 'Nam because he was in school.


But once you graduate college, there are a lot of things that happen. 1) It's no longer ok to date college boys 2) It's no longer ok to drink cheap wine 3) and sometimes jury duty happens.

Which brings me to my first comparison between jury duty and The Bachelor:

Comparison 1. When you're selected, your parents will laugh at you.

So when I met my parents for lunch and they handed over my piles of mail, I was pissed when I saw the jury duty letter.

My mother smiled and said, "We've been waiting to give this to you. We're so excited."

It was like someone secretly signed me up to be an adult and now I had to go through with it.

This has to be an effing joke.

Comparison 2. You have to be driven there

So when Feb. 17 came, I woke up at the asscrack of dawn and began to get ready. I Ubered there because it was cheaper than driving there and parking in downtown and easier than driving to a DART station and walking to the building. When I stepped out of the Uber, I stepped out like I was coming out of the limo the first night. Head held high knowing this was going to be the worst experience of my life.

except plot twist the pills were for me.

Comparison 3. I was not there to make friends

I guess I just don't understand the people who have the energy to chit chat in the mornings. It's why I don't work in an office. The thought of talking to people before noon makes me want to gag. People began to make friends and I looked on in disgust. What are they talking about? What do they have in common? We're not here to make friends. We're here to make sure every day is Chris Kyle day for the rest of our lives.

Comparison 4. We have no connection to the outside world

I sat down in the big room and took my laptop out. I had a 1:30 p.m. deadline that day, so I figured I could work while waiting. I soon found out that there was no wifi. This is America. This is the land of the freaking free. There was no wifi in this building. What was the point of Chris Kyle fighting for our rights if there was no wifi in the George Allen building in Downtown Dallas on a Tuesday morning??????????????????????????? I was alone with my thoughts and it was scary. I'm scared just thinking about it right now.

Comparison 5. Everyone has a freakin sob story

pool parties are a good time to bring up dead husbands.

You're not doing jury duty right until you pull the lawyer aside at a pool party and tell him how you were kidnapped as a child and don't think you could be fully unbiased. It's not jury duty until you claim every bias in the world to try to get out of it. It's not jury duty until you literally say I have a broken hip and I can't sit on these benches any longer. It's not jury duty until you begin crying because you had a miscarriage once.

Once 56 of us were jammed into a tiny courtroom, the lawyers began to ask us a bunch of questions and it was boring. It was like a cocktail party. You're just hoping he calls your name to talk alone, but he never does. I thought maybe if I fell asleep during the questioning, they would automatically rule me out, but they didn't.

Comparison 6. Journalists never get picked

she was sent home, not because she's crazy but because she's a journalist.

There have been a total of maybe three journalists on The Bachelor. This is because ABC doesn't want them going back and writing about their experience. This is the same in jury duty. They don't want some journalist who can't keep a secret going back and blabbing to the entire newsroom about a case and I guess I'm just like, I'm very trustworthy and can keep a secret for about 15 minutes.

So they asked people about what they did for a living if it related in anyway to the case. Because they had our occupations listed in front of them, they would ask me what I wrote about. I mean I'm a freelance journalist, shouldn't they be considered that maybe possibly I write about very serious things like murder cases and law cases and ISIS and Obama and Syria and other important things???????????????????

They didn't ask me anything and I was pissed. Like, ok. Do I not look smart enough????

Comparison 7. There is no food

Just like in The Bachelor mansion, there was no food. And by no food, I mean I headed down to the cafeteria and cried into my chicken salad sandwich. On The Bachelor, they just want you to get liquored up. In jury duty, they just want you to starve to death until you finally convict someone

Comparison 8. There was a villain 

After hours upon hours of questioning from two lawyers who wish they were as cute as Chris Harrison, we then had to leave the room. I found myself a snuggly chair and began to nap. EXCEPT THIS LOUD MAN WAS TALKING ON THE PHONE TO GOD KNOWS WHO ABOUT HIS BROKEN HIP AND I WAS LIKE I'LL SHOW YOU BROKEN HIP. I put my beats on, turned on Ed Sheeran and fell asleep.

When I woke up he was looking at me and asked how much my beats were.

The same price as your broken hip surgery, I didn't say because I was scared of him.

Comparison 9. I wasn't pretty enough to get picked

I was basically the token black girl on The Bachelor. The lawyer called 12 names into the room and I wasn't one of them. It was humiliating. I cried to my Uber driver, like he was a producer of the show.

"I didn't see this coming."

"I'm blind-sighted."

"What did he see in the others that he didn't see in me?"

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