Wednesday, February 11, 2015

My Worst Dates. Happy Valentine's Day.

Do we even need an introduction? Valentine's Day is like 60 seconds away and soon you will see that blonde tramp getting an oversized teddy bear at her locker from the hottest guy in school. And you will want to kill her. Valentine's Day is so annoying, it's actually fun. And by fun, I mean a stab to the eye. Leave it to PMS to bring you her worst date stories, so maybe you can giggle.

Justin Bieber guy
I'm not just calling him Justin Bieber guy because his story has to do with JB. I'm also calling him this because I literally can't remember his name. Anyway, I'm always reluctant to go out with guys who are older than me. Maybe it's all in my head, but I always feel like they are talking down to me. And I think this because two times out of two, it's true. I went out with this guy and everything is going fine. We are laughing it up. He is literally throwing his head back because he is laughing so hard at my jokes. I was like, I get it. We get it. I'm funny, but don't act like a mentally challenged person. ANYWAY. SOMEHOW, Justin Bieber gets brought up because seriously, it's a date with me, so of course I'm going to bring up Bieber. I said something ignorant about what a great musician he is. IT WAS A JOKE. I HAD ALSO JOKED ABOUT MURDER EARLIER IN THE EVENING AND HE THOUGHT THAT WAS A HOOT. so I say something about Bieber and honest to god, you would have thought I said something about hitler. This guy goes off the deep end. He tells me how people my age don't know good music. He's about six years older than me and apparently so old he's a Vietnam war vet because that was the last time I saw him. Why. Are. You. So. Worked. Up. About. Bieber. k.

Mom Guy
"Hey, let's go see a movie!"
"Man, this line is a bummer. Can't believe we have to wait to get into the movie."
"Yeah, totally. I'm going to call my mom."
He called his mom while he was on the date. I stood there in horror. Like, how bad of a date am I that you feel the need to call your mother. Where is her tit? Do you need to be fed soon? Let me know. It's fine. I'm totally over it.

Sorry, Kliff Kingsbury is on my TV and I need to pause this blog and fantasize about Kliff because I bet he doesn't call his mom on dates. Mainly because she's dead but still.

Mom Guy 2
I WISH THE MOTHER STORIES ENDED THERE, BUT THEY DON'T. This is a different guy but apparently I attract the mama's boys. While we were eating dessert (a brownie to be exact, God, my memory is on point), he texted her a picture of what we were eating while on the date. That's weird, right? I'm not being overdramatic, right? Like, common courtesy is to not text your mother while on a date, right? Am I asking for too much here?

Big 12 School
His name was the same name as a Big 12 school. So his name could be Texas or Tech or Iowa or Kansas or Baylor, I don't know. So Big 12 and I meet one night and then decide to get drinks. I literally caught his attention because I was doing model poses in front of a fan in a bar and if that's isn't a classic PMS story, I don't know what is. So as we are talking over drinks, he finds out I'm an undergrad. I MIGHT AS WELL HAD BEEN A TODDLER. He nearly flipped the table he was so mad. I'm kidding but I love dramatic effect. But he did get up and mutter under his breath, "I'm going to go get another whiskey while I try to digest the fact you're still an undergrad." WHAT. I know I don't look older than 20 years old. Like, how in the world did he think I was any older than that. And this tool was in his residency NOT WORKING and talking to me about how I'm still an undergrad? Psh. He was an asshat. </rant>

us, according to him.

Happy Valentine's Day. SNL's 40th anniversary special is that night, so go ahead and just choose that.

1 comment:

  1. Worst date story every - I once had a guy tell me about his ex girlfriend...AND THE ABORTION SHE GOT