Sunday, March 29, 2015

Your Duggar Update, Kind Of


I went over to my parents' house to do laundry today and about three hours in, I realized I could be watching and blogging 19 Kids and Counting. I asked my dad to turn it on, so he had to turn off some James Bond movie. In other news, my dad killed himself.

rip ice daddy.

This season basically revolves around Jessa and Ben and how they are engaged and about to get married and yeah, brides don't get enough attention, let's dedicate the entire season to their engagement.

UPDATE: My dad just asked if Jessa and Ben were the ones who bumped uglies in the coat room after their wedding.

ok. okay. o.k. then.

This episode is about their bachelor/bachelorette party and Jessa and her bridesmaids decide to go to Vegas to get wasted and take a pole dancing class.


please someone murder me.

It's the Duggars. Of course Jessa and Ben's bachelor/bachelorette party is playing a football game and the girls watching it.

Throughout the episode, the entire family looks back on Jessa and describes her.

"Full of energy"

"A handful"

"Don't mess with Jess." Jess is Texas.

"She likes to get stuff done. She will tell you exactly what she's thinking. She will stand up to you. She always has an opinion and is always going to express it."

"Murder me." Oh, those were my thoughts. Sry.

Those were the most unique things said about her. The rest of the time they just talked about how organized she is. She once organized an entire storage room. And she helps Michelle with homeschooling the children. And she packs for everyone.

"Where was Jessa when you needed help packing when you were 6?" -my mom. YEAH, MOM. I BET JOSIE HAS NEVER ARRIVED IN HAWAII SANS UNDERWEAR.

ok. moving on.

The scene keeps cutting back and forth between the football game (present time) and flashbacks of Jessa and things she's been ~up to~ in her lifetime. AKA the most boring things because she's not even allowed to hug her fiance so lol k. They show her going skydiving with her mom and Jessa says, "Whose mom goes skydiving? I have the coolest mom."

Literally, no. No. You have the opposite of the coolest mom and I know you have never seen a TV or read a book or talked to anyone besides your siblings, but no, you don't have the coolest mom. Sry. I'm sorry. Sue me.

no. not cool.

While the girls are sitting in the cold on hard bleachers, watching a bunch of nonprofessional football players play football, all of the girls decide to sign a small pink football as a nice ~bachelorette party present~ for Jessa. Like lol k. What. Why. Who would want that. Even if I was marrying a football player, I wouldn't want that. Even if my wedding was on a football field, I wouldn't want that. Like, wut. This is the stupidest thing in the world.

They give it to her. Jessa looks less than thrilled and it's like, I get it. We get it.

Ben's mom talks to the camera for a little bit and she seems equally as annoying as Ben.

"The ladies are having a great time fellowshipping together." -Ben's mom, referring to the bachelorette party.

"Ben is really looking forward to the finish line." -Ben's mom, referring to idk, I don't want to think about it. I think we know what she's referring to, but like no. no. no.

Next episode they get married so yay I guess.

Josie word count this episode: 45 words too many

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

GUEST POST: RIP Zayn, I guess.

Hi, PMS readers. This is a guest blog from my friend and former co-worker Chantal. We both dated men with the same name, so we are forever linked. Enjoy.

Hi, I’m Chantal Espinoza and I’m a Directioner.

I’ve been a fan since April 2012 when “What Makes You Beautiful” started hitting airwaves. My first memory of the song is when my friends and I were on our way to a party during my freshman year. 

Since then, I’ve been hooked.

That summer, my best friend and fellow Directioner Aubrey rigged a radio contest to win meet and greet passes to see them at Dallas’ Gexa Pavillion. While the experience mostly consisted of us sitting in the Texas heat for almost an hour and us freaking out about our make up and hair ­– we did get to spend a good two minutes with the boys. We hugged and fell in love with each one of them. Since then, I’ve seen them in Denver, CO in 2013 and recently in August in Arlington at Cowboy Stadium (I refuse to call it AT&T Stadium).

Needless to say, I’ve had more interaction with Zayn Malik than the average person. So when I say I’m angry and upset about the news he’s leaving One Direction, it’s coming from a person who’s maintained a close relationship with him.

My dear best friend Emily de Santos informed me of this #BreakingNews while I was on a work lunch with my colleagues and a client.

I was supposed to be interacting and participating in an engaging conversation, but in my head I was trying to understand what that all meant and if it was really true.
Not that I was doubting Emily or anything, but E! News sometimes gets bad info, right? So I texted Aubrey, who is all knowing on anything and everything One Direction, and she confirmed the news to me.

Being as I couldn’t really be on my phone and confirm it to myself, I was freaking out internally. I had to collect myself and pretend this wasn’t happening.

Once the lunch ended, I read the statement.

Back story: Zayn decided to take a break from the 1D world tour, which is currently performing the Asian leg of the tour. This all comes after photos were released of him holding hands and hugging some random girl with blonde hair that wasn’t his fiancé Perrie Edwards of Little Mix.

His statement read he was to fly back to London and recuperate from “stress.” OK. We’ve all been stressed. When I’m stressed, I go get my nails done or go shopping – not quit my job.

However, I get being accused of cheating on your future wife would make things a tad more stressful, but that’s when you either 1. Admit you cheated and move on. 2. Call your fiancé, who is also a pop singer, tell her “Babe, this was just blown out of proportion like the last time I allegedly cheated on you and let’s let this one blow over, too.” 3.  Do number 2 and she doesn’t believe you. Tweet you’re just a 22-year-old who loves his fiancé and is just trying to live his life. Then take a break from your super successful band that’s making you super rich BUT NO LET’S HALT ALL THAT so you can fly to London grovel for forgiveness and see if that works.

Zayn chose number three and as we can see that must’ve not gone as planned, because today he announced he was leaving the band.

Now that we’re all caught up, in his statement he said he wants to be a “normal 22-year-old.” I’m a normal 22-year-old, and let me tell you, it’s not fun!

Does Zayn really think because he quit the band, his fiancé will think he’s serious and not leave him? Or that because he’s not in an international boy band he’s going to be out of the spotlight – the answer is no, at least to the second question.

It’s irrational to think his departure from the band is going to bring him inner peace. He is out of a job. A job that earned him millions. If he can’t handle the media scrutiny now, there is no way in hell he’s going to handle it as a solo artist.

Many fans claim Zayn is the sensitive one who was always really shy and reserved, hated the spotlight – OK. You know what those type of people don’t do? Those people don’t become a member of a boy band that’s designed to be followed by millions of girls and expected to have a media following.

Zayn joined anyway, which is fine. Who wouldn’t? This is a massive opportunity.

What could keep you out of the spotlight is to not hold hands with a girl that’s not your girlfriend in a world were paparazzi is everywhere and everyone has a phone.

He should’ve just taken the wrath and dealt with it like every other mainstream musician has. Go smoke pot. It’s not like he doesn’t do it already.

Quitting the band entirely seems like the biggest slap in the face of 1D fans. They spend a fortune to see the boys goof off and perform their favorite songs. Now they’re stuck still paying a fortune to see just four members.


I feel no pity for Zayn. He made all of this mess for himself.

JUST DON’T CHEAT ON YOUR FIANCE (and get caught). It’s that simple.

I do feel the pain of every Directioner, who now has to feel the pain Spice Girls fans felt when Ginger left.

All Zayn had to do is stick with the band until December when their contract ended. They all could’ve broken up and it would’ve been a clean, less humiliating break. But that’s not how it worked out.

Harry, Liam, Louis and Niall can, and will, continue to be successful without him. It’s just unfair he left his “lifetime” friends to hang out and dry. They’re the ones who have to deal with this whole mess while he’s hanging out in his house spray painting on walls.

However, these boys know how to handle the media. We’ve all seen the boys handle their respective dramas and move on from it, especially Harry.

Now that the weak link has left, I expect the next 1D album to be their last. This is their opportunity to position themselves for life post-1D.

Harry is probably going to date an up incoming actress or model to bump his popularity, and solidify himself as the next JT. Niall will schmooze his way into a good endorsement deal or act. Liam will try a solo career, fail, become the JC of the group and be a judge on The Voice. Louis will buy a soccer team and maybe host a show, or come out idk.

Time will only tell if Zayn made the right decision. I wonder if his fiancé will stay with him and if the band will be as successful without him.

In the meantime, I will fork over $200 and buy plane tickets to see them in San Diego in July for what I can only assume will be their last tour.

My thoughts are with all of the Directioners out there. May your friends respect your privacy in this time of hardship.


Tuesday, March 24, 2015

I Did Yoga and Now I'm a Buddhist

jk jk jk i love jesus.

Good morning. I'm awake. It's a beautiful morning. I'm going to go to yoga with Kassidy because this is 2015 and Gwyneth Paltrow does yoga, so I'm going to do yoga even though I hate that woman, but look at her arms, my god, her arms.

Kassidy said this yoga is not hard. It's easy. She doesn't even shower after doing this yoga. Easy peasy. I can do this.

She told me it's not hot yoga. That's good. I don't want to pass out. Remember every summer of my life when I passed out because I got overheated? I do. I don't want to pass out in yoga. Imagine what all the Uptown yuppies would think of me.

Ok, Kassidy is a liar because it's really effing hot in this classroom. It's hotter than hell. I want to die. I want to kill Kassidy.

Literally everyone brought their own yoga mat because they think they're God. Who tf died and made you god of yoga? Bringing your own yoga mat and shiz, thinking you rule the world. Sit down.

The people here are interesting. They all know one another, which automatically annoys me. How did they become friends just by doing yoga together? I wonder if any of them would want to be friends with me. I wonder if I have anything in common with them.

Oh, good, our teacher is here. She's cool. She's like 60 but is wearing a toe ring. Ok, I rocked a toe ring when I was 11 and now I miss it. It had a dolphin on it and I was the hippest muthaeffa in the world with my toe ring. I wonder where she got it. I should ask her. I'm not going to. She also has a tattoo on her foot. I wonder if it says downward dog in Latin. I bet it does.

There's a small Asian guy in here and I swear he's that Asian guy from that one Tosh.0 skit where they do the marathon and the gay Asian guy is the towel boy. I love that segment. It's probably my favorite Tosh.0 segment of all time. Daniel Tosh is so funny. I wonder if he's ever coming back to Dallas. I wonder if I will ever get to interview him one day. I wonder if —

Ok, yoga is starting.

We are literally making a praying shape with our hands. I didn't know this was real. Ok, wow. Ok.

Ok, she is saying a lot of position names I don't know. How does everyone know them besides me? Was there a Yoga For Dummies book everyone read before this class except for me? She's talking so fast. I thought yoga was supposed to be slow. When do we get a water break?

Ok, Kassidy told me she doesn't usually shower after this class and I'm already sweating so much I want to die. My forehead is sweating. My back is sweating. My underboob is sweating. I need a towel. Where is my towel?

Ok, I'm sweating so much my hands are sliding off the mat when I do my downward facing dog. Is anyone else having this problem? Why did Kassidy tell me this class was easy? I'm going to give her a piece of mind when this is over. I'm gonna rip her a new one.

The yoga instructor keeps reminding us to breathe and I'm thankful for that because sometimes I need a reminder. I also need to be reminded to eat occasionally. I wonder if this woman would come to my home and take care of me. I wonder what she would charge. I wonder if this is her full-time job.

Ok, wow, this is hard. Remember when I could do the jump splits? Remember when I could do the jump splits is freezing weather? And now I can barely touch my toes and it's like 94 degrees in here. But, like, if Gwyneth Paltrow can do yoga, I can do yoga.

Ok, class is almost over. I'm glad. I haven't worked this hard since I moved into my apartment and by that, I mean I made four guys do the moving for me.

Oh, wow, she just said the magical words. I get to lay down. And close my eyes. What if I fall asleep? Kassidy mentioned that one time a woman fell asleep and starting snoring. Wow, that must have been embarrassing. I wonder if she ever woke up. I wonder if she's still there. I wonder if she died. I wonder if yoga has ever killed anybody. I bet I would be the fir—

Oh, wow the woman is right above me. She is putting oils above my face. I can smell them. They smell nice. Oh, wow, wow, wow. She is touching me. She is massaging my arms. I'm trying not to smile because I don't want her to think I'm laughing at her. I'm smiling because it feels so good. Wow, this is the most affection I've gotten in a long time. I wonder if she's married. I wonder if she's a lesbian. I wonder if anyone has ever gotten really uncomfortable and demanded her to stop. Why would anyone do that. This is the best feeling in the world. I want to marry this woman. Is lesbian marriage legal in Texas yet.

Ok, we're sitting back up. That massage didn't last long. We are doing the prayer hand thing again. Straight back, shoulders down. Posture is hard. She is talking about staying calm throughout the day and being the light to other people who don't do yoga. Ok, is yoga a religion? Is there a Buddha statue in here? Oh, man. She's telling us to OMMM. Am I allowed to do that? Am I idolizing another god? What does the 10 Commandments say about yoga? Crap, I'm going to do it silently. I'm sorry, Jesus.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Kent Hance Occasionally Favorites My Tweets

Kent Hance, the former chancellor of Texas Tech University, follows me on Twitter.

an actual selfie he took because he's 2 LEGIT 2 QUIT.

This is not a post of me bragging. I am simply informing my readers and letting y'all know before I continue on with this blog post.

If you didn't go to Tech or have the PLEASURE of meeting Mr. Hance, then I will be sure to keep you in my prayers tonight because SMH.

Mr. Hance brought you these lines:

"The woman at Market Street was crying. I said, 'Why are you crying?' She said, 'Heath Ledger just died.' I said, 'What did he work here or something?'" (people erupt in laughter when he tells this story.)

"Dream no little dreams. And if you do, go to Texas or A&M" (people laugh). "I'm kidding! We have a special hiring program for those graduates" (people pee themselves they laugh so hard).

"The only person who fired Mike Leach was Mike Leach himself."

If you ever interview him, which I've done like a million two times, he will say, "Now is this multiple choice, fill-in-the-blank, or open-ended?"

He is funny. He is charming. He raised, like, a billion dollars for the university. This is not an exaggeration. He literally raised $1 billion for Tech and I was like ok, one time my dad gave me $20 and I was really excited. POINT IS: Mr. Hance is the best. Bow down.

Mr. Hance has 836 favorites on Twitter and occasionally he favorites my tweets and they are always the most random tweets and I just can't figure it out.


And here are the other tweets of mine Mr. Hance as favorited:

That time Mr. Hance was literally Guest12345:

That time he revealed he also really likes Taco Cabana, which is a little shocking because I thought his favorite restaurant was Sonic:

That time I guess he thought it was funny that Buzzfeed thought I was 35:

Chris Kyle:


Nick Hance claims to be related to Mr. Hance. I have yet to see a family tree proving this, but whatever:

That time Mr. Hance was a feminist, who loved Kristen Wiig and Tina Fey like I do:

He gets that I get that I'm hood:

Crushes are hard:

But do you know what's harder? Listening to worship leaders sing and talk in a whispery tone because they think it sounds more spiritual:

This was a rough day:

Literally, is Nick even related to Mr. Hance:

No big deal, but Mr. Hance is the only human being to ever beat George Dubya Bush in an election:

I don't know, I was feeling jolly that day, what do you want from me:

That time Mr. Hance was really involved in the making of my nonexistent album:

Nick again:

That time Mr. Hance revealed himself to be a really big Taylor Swift fan. Who knew he also enjoyed the No. 9 track:

I don't know, Michael was arguing with me about something:

I wrote about Mr. Hance one time:

That time I was dying in a hot car and Mr. Hance felt sorry for me:

That time Mr. Hance totally understood where I was coming from:

And here are the tweets Mr. Hance has completely ignored:

That time he was awake in the middle of the night:

Literally, no response:

This was funny?????:

I literally sent him a letter in the mail because this is 1845 and I asked if he received it and here we are. I don't know:

It's funny:

This is an inside joke, you wouldn't get it:

I don't say the L word often, so I'm a little heartbroken:

Well it is:

I was skeptical, I'm a journalist, ok:

I'm going to tweet this post to him and he most likely will not acknowledge it and I'll be left questioning everything.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

How I Know I'm Going To Be A Great Mom

Please tell me you clicked on this link thinking it was serious and I had gone all ThoughtCatalog or Elite Daily on you.

If you were expecting this post to be about things my mother taught me that made me a great human being, then you need to sit down and read this story about Cheryl (my mother).

It's March 1997. We are taking a family trip to Hawaii. I am 6 years old. We are going to Hawaii for Spring Break. My mother allows makes me pack my own suitcase. I REPEAT I AM 6 YEARS OLD AND CHERYL SAID PACK YOUR OWN BAG, LITTLE GIRL. So, I did. Except, hahaha, there's a catch. I didn't pack any underwear. Because, you know, I'm 6 and not all of my brain cells are developed yet (I'm honestly still waiting on some to come in at 24). So we arrive in Hawaii and I'm sans underwear.

my mom looking at me like idgaf.

There is no lesson from this story besides my mother literally thought a 6-year-old was capable of packing her own bag and still to this day if you ask her about it, she will not bat an eye and say to you, "I don't see what the problem is."

She is obviously who I got my maternal instinct from. Story time.

I was outside on the phone with Emily. I was crying because nothing says dramatic like a Tuesday afternoon when I'm crying to Emily. I had let Winston out to go potty and do-do. I didn't walk down with him because he's a big boy. After a couple of minutes of crying and talking, I look up and realize I have no idea where Winston is. Still without walking down the stairs because I'm the laziest human being on earth, I look around and see Winston about one foot away from a busy street. I snap. No, not like, I snap out of anger or snap back to reality. My fingers literally snapped. Winston came running back.

And it was then I knew I would be a terrific mother. Do you need other examples? Don't worry. I have more.

Slutty Brownies
I can't cook or bake and I honestly haven't even tried to learn. I'm sorry. I feel bad. BUT THERE IS ONE THING I CAN BAKE. They are called slutty brownies and man, are they delicious. But, like, what kind of mother will I be when my kids come home from school and I'm like, 'Y'all want some slutty brownies?????? Y'all want to nominate me for Mom of the Year??????'

My Fridge is Tragic
Contents of my fridge: enough pink wine to kill someone, a 24-pack of Dr Pepper, and mac and cheese. Not even the mac and cheese you kind of sort of have to cook. The kind you just pop into the microwave and bam, they are done.

I Once Sent A Kid To The Hospital
HAHAHA LAUGH ANYONE LAUGH. I was babysitting and omg, I am so glad I'm not 15 anymore and don't have to babysit for money. Because I was babysitting one day and I was paying attention to the actual baby when I hear a bang. The 4-year-old knocked his head on the coffee table and was gushing actual blood. I was like ok then. He went to the hospital. I haven't babysat since.

me as a mom.

Car Babies
I honestly don't know if it's illegal to leave your dog in the car while you go inside somewhere. But I do it to Winston all the time sometimes. It's just that sometimes the Taco Cabana drive-thru line is really long, so I need to go inside and order instead and I leave Winston there and he hasn't died, so I don't see what the big deal is, no one please call the cops on me. I'm too pretty to go to jail.

I've been told my maternal instincts will kick in when I am a mother. Prayers please.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Being a Bridesmaid is Hard

It is 2015 and I can talk to my phone and tell it to do things.

It is 2015 and we may have a woman run for president.

It is 2015 and Bruce Jenner is becoming a woman.

It is 2015 and a number of women still stand on stage next to the bride and wear the exact same fugly dress because it's a wedding and nothing says, "I will love you forever and ever amen" like six of your closest girlfriends standing next to you wearing the same thing. #HappyInternationalWomensDay. *

"I picked these dresses because you can totally wear them again!"

I am a bridesmaid for a wedding in May and she has done nothing wrong. She is a great bride. An angel. I'm the one who has done everything wrong. Like, I know she didn't choose me because of my bridesmaid skills. She chose me because I'm pretty. I guess.

*My bride's bridesmaids dresses are not fugly and not all the same, but you get the point, thank you.

Why I'm The Worst Bridesmaid And Should Be Shot:

I Literally Don't Know The Date of the Wedding
As I write this, I still don't know. I know it's in May. And I'm sure I won't schedule anything else that weekend. I have the Save the Date on the fridge, so it's easy to see when the date is, but honestly, don't hold a gun to my head because I don't know.

WTF is a Bridal Show
My bride invited me and all of her other bridesmaids/house party to a bridal show and I was honestly kind of excited. Not like, OMG FREE DONUTS excited, but like, ahh, I like looking at wedding dresses excited. Except, did you know that's not what a bridal show is? Instead it's a bunch of vendors trying to sell you wedding services and I'm just like, what is happening. I'm going to need to taste-test those mashed potatoes before continuing on.

I'm Bringing A Date
I didn't even ask my bride if I could bring a date. I just texted her one day and said I'm bringing a date. Like, brides should know that women don't want to go to a wedding and see a bunch of love things and not have someone there with them. Like, I thought that was understood. Until I heard that someone I know wasn't allowed to bring a date to her friend's wedding and I was like oh. Shetacky.

Why My Roommate Is The Best Bridesmaid And Should Not Be Shot:

She is a Planner
This should not come as a shock to anyone. My roommate is an event planner. Of course she's going to be an awesome bridesmaid. Of course she's going to plan everything to the last detail. I am a freelance writer. Emphasis on the freelance part. Emphasis on the free part. Emphasis on the 'I Wake Up When I Want To and Write About Reality TV For A Living' part. It's not that shocking.

She Understands Brides
"This bride is going to want a sash, a black sash, not covered in penises, but something classy. Something simple, yet exotic. Even though she will want the sash and a crown, she won't want a lot of attention the night of her Bachelorette party. We can maybe clap once around her, but we can't have the DJ called her on stage." -my roommate

She Knows What a Recession Receiving Line Is
I guess I just missed this day during 'Turning a Hoe into a Housewife Camp' because when my bride said this, I was like #what. She then said, "Yeah, we're not going to Duggar it." As in, they're not going to run to a small room and touch each other for the first time, like all of the Duggars do when they get married. Instead, they're going to stand somewhere and talk to people as they exit and at some point, I'm supposed to be setting things up, but it's like I vacuumed up a sock the other day, so do you really trust me with anything. My roommate understood all of this perfectly.