Monday, March 9, 2015

Being a Bridesmaid is Hard

It is 2015 and I can talk to my phone and tell it to do things.

It is 2015 and we may have a woman run for president.

It is 2015 and Bruce Jenner is becoming a woman.

It is 2015 and a number of women still stand on stage next to the bride and wear the exact same fugly dress because it's a wedding and nothing says, "I will love you forever and ever amen" like six of your closest girlfriends standing next to you wearing the same thing. #HappyInternationalWomensDay. *

"I picked these dresses because you can totally wear them again!"

I am a bridesmaid for a wedding in May and she has done nothing wrong. She is a great bride. An angel. I'm the one who has done everything wrong. Like, I know she didn't choose me because of my bridesmaid skills. She chose me because I'm pretty. I guess.

*My bride's bridesmaids dresses are not fugly and not all the same, but you get the point, thank you.

Why I'm The Worst Bridesmaid And Should Be Shot:

I Literally Don't Know The Date of the Wedding
As I write this, I still don't know. I know it's in May. And I'm sure I won't schedule anything else that weekend. I have the Save the Date on the fridge, so it's easy to see when the date is, but honestly, don't hold a gun to my head because I don't know.

WTF is a Bridal Show
My bride invited me and all of her other bridesmaids/house party to a bridal show and I was honestly kind of excited. Not like, OMG FREE DONUTS excited, but like, ahh, I like looking at wedding dresses excited. Except, did you know that's not what a bridal show is? Instead it's a bunch of vendors trying to sell you wedding services and I'm just like, what is happening. I'm going to need to taste-test those mashed potatoes before continuing on.

I'm Bringing A Date
I didn't even ask my bride if I could bring a date. I just texted her one day and said I'm bringing a date. Like, brides should know that women don't want to go to a wedding and see a bunch of love things and not have someone there with them. Like, I thought that was understood. Until I heard that someone I know wasn't allowed to bring a date to her friend's wedding and I was like oh. Shetacky.

Why My Roommate Is The Best Bridesmaid And Should Not Be Shot:

She is a Planner
This should not come as a shock to anyone. My roommate is an event planner. Of course she's going to be an awesome bridesmaid. Of course she's going to plan everything to the last detail. I am a freelance writer. Emphasis on the freelance part. Emphasis on the free part. Emphasis on the 'I Wake Up When I Want To and Write About Reality TV For A Living' part. It's not that shocking.

She Understands Brides
"This bride is going to want a sash, a black sash, not covered in penises, but something classy. Something simple, yet exotic. Even though she will want the sash and a crown, she won't want a lot of attention the night of her Bachelorette party. We can maybe clap once around her, but we can't have the DJ called her on stage." -my roommate

She Knows What a Recession Receiving Line Is
I guess I just missed this day during 'Turning a Hoe into a Housewife Camp' because when my bride said this, I was like #what. She then said, "Yeah, we're not going to Duggar it." As in, they're not going to run to a small room and touch each other for the first time, like all of the Duggars do when they get married. Instead, they're going to stand somewhere and talk to people as they exit and at some point, I'm supposed to be setting things up, but it's like I vacuumed up a sock the other day, so do you really trust me with anything. My roommate understood all of this perfectly.

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