Thursday, March 12, 2015

How I Know I'm Going To Be A Great Mom

Please tell me you clicked on this link thinking it was serious and I had gone all ThoughtCatalog or Elite Daily on you.

If you were expecting this post to be about things my mother taught me that made me a great human being, then you need to sit down and read this story about Cheryl (my mother).

It's March 1997. We are taking a family trip to Hawaii. I am 6 years old. We are going to Hawaii for Spring Break. My mother allows makes me pack my own suitcase. I REPEAT I AM 6 YEARS OLD AND CHERYL SAID PACK YOUR OWN BAG, LITTLE GIRL. So, I did. Except, hahaha, there's a catch. I didn't pack any underwear. Because, you know, I'm 6 and not all of my brain cells are developed yet (I'm honestly still waiting on some to come in at 24). So we arrive in Hawaii and I'm sans underwear.

my mom looking at me like idgaf.

There is no lesson from this story besides my mother literally thought a 6-year-old was capable of packing her own bag and still to this day if you ask her about it, she will not bat an eye and say to you, "I don't see what the problem is."

She is obviously who I got my maternal instinct from. Story time.

I was outside on the phone with Emily. I was crying because nothing says dramatic like a Tuesday afternoon when I'm crying to Emily. I had let Winston out to go potty and do-do. I didn't walk down with him because he's a big boy. After a couple of minutes of crying and talking, I look up and realize I have no idea where Winston is. Still without walking down the stairs because I'm the laziest human being on earth, I look around and see Winston about one foot away from a busy street. I snap. No, not like, I snap out of anger or snap back to reality. My fingers literally snapped. Winston came running back.

And it was then I knew I would be a terrific mother. Do you need other examples? Don't worry. I have more.

Slutty Brownies
I can't cook or bake and I honestly haven't even tried to learn. I'm sorry. I feel bad. BUT THERE IS ONE THING I CAN BAKE. They are called slutty brownies and man, are they delicious. But, like, what kind of mother will I be when my kids come home from school and I'm like, 'Y'all want some slutty brownies?????? Y'all want to nominate me for Mom of the Year??????'

My Fridge is Tragic
Contents of my fridge: enough pink wine to kill someone, a 24-pack of Dr Pepper, and mac and cheese. Not even the mac and cheese you kind of sort of have to cook. The kind you just pop into the microwave and bam, they are done.

I Once Sent A Kid To The Hospital
HAHAHA LAUGH ANYONE LAUGH. I was babysitting and omg, I am so glad I'm not 15 anymore and don't have to babysit for money. Because I was babysitting one day and I was paying attention to the actual baby when I hear a bang. The 4-year-old knocked his head on the coffee table and was gushing actual blood. I was like ok then. He went to the hospital. I haven't babysat since.

me as a mom.

Car Babies
I honestly don't know if it's illegal to leave your dog in the car while you go inside somewhere. But I do it to Winston all the time sometimes. It's just that sometimes the Taco Cabana drive-thru line is really long, so I need to go inside and order instead and I leave Winston there and he hasn't died, so I don't see what the big deal is, no one please call the cops on me. I'm too pretty to go to jail.

I've been told my maternal instincts will kick in when I am a mother. Prayers please.

1 comment:

  1. How are you so skinny cuz pink wine goes straight to my double chin.