Tuesday, March 24, 2015

I Did Yoga and Now I'm a Buddhist

jk jk jk i love jesus.

Good morning. I'm awake. It's a beautiful morning. I'm going to go to yoga with Kassidy because this is 2015 and Gwyneth Paltrow does yoga, so I'm going to do yoga even though I hate that woman, but look at her arms, my god, her arms.

Kassidy said this yoga is not hard. It's easy. She doesn't even shower after doing this yoga. Easy peasy. I can do this.

She told me it's not hot yoga. That's good. I don't want to pass out. Remember every summer of my life when I passed out because I got overheated? I do. I don't want to pass out in yoga. Imagine what all the Uptown yuppies would think of me.

Ok, Kassidy is a liar because it's really effing hot in this classroom. It's hotter than hell. I want to die. I want to kill Kassidy.

Literally everyone brought their own yoga mat because they think they're God. Who tf died and made you god of yoga? Bringing your own yoga mat and shiz, thinking you rule the world. Sit down.

The people here are interesting. They all know one another, which automatically annoys me. How did they become friends just by doing yoga together? I wonder if any of them would want to be friends with me. I wonder if I have anything in common with them.

Oh, good, our teacher is here. She's cool. She's like 60 but is wearing a toe ring. Ok, I rocked a toe ring when I was 11 and now I miss it. It had a dolphin on it and I was the hippest muthaeffa in the world with my toe ring. I wonder where she got it. I should ask her. I'm not going to. She also has a tattoo on her foot. I wonder if it says downward dog in Latin. I bet it does.

There's a small Asian guy in here and I swear he's that Asian guy from that one Tosh.0 skit where they do the marathon and the gay Asian guy is the towel boy. I love that segment. It's probably my favorite Tosh.0 segment of all time. Daniel Tosh is so funny. I wonder if he's ever coming back to Dallas. I wonder if I will ever get to interview him one day. I wonder if —

Ok, yoga is starting.

We are literally making a praying shape with our hands. I didn't know this was real. Ok, wow. Ok.

Ok, she is saying a lot of position names I don't know. How does everyone know them besides me? Was there a Yoga For Dummies book everyone read before this class except for me? She's talking so fast. I thought yoga was supposed to be slow. When do we get a water break?

Ok, Kassidy told me she doesn't usually shower after this class and I'm already sweating so much I want to die. My forehead is sweating. My back is sweating. My underboob is sweating. I need a towel. Where is my towel?

Ok, I'm sweating so much my hands are sliding off the mat when I do my downward facing dog. Is anyone else having this problem? Why did Kassidy tell me this class was easy? I'm going to give her a piece of mind when this is over. I'm gonna rip her a new one.

The yoga instructor keeps reminding us to breathe and I'm thankful for that because sometimes I need a reminder. I also need to be reminded to eat occasionally. I wonder if this woman would come to my home and take care of me. I wonder what she would charge. I wonder if this is her full-time job.

Ok, wow, this is hard. Remember when I could do the jump splits? Remember when I could do the jump splits is freezing weather? And now I can barely touch my toes and it's like 94 degrees in here. But, like, if Gwyneth Paltrow can do yoga, I can do yoga.

Ok, class is almost over. I'm glad. I haven't worked this hard since I moved into my apartment and by that, I mean I made four guys do the moving for me.

Oh, wow, she just said the magical words. I get to lay down. And close my eyes. What if I fall asleep? Kassidy mentioned that one time a woman fell asleep and starting snoring. Wow, that must have been embarrassing. I wonder if she ever woke up. I wonder if she's still there. I wonder if she died. I wonder if yoga has ever killed anybody. I bet I would be the fir—

Oh, wow the woman is right above me. She is putting oils above my face. I can smell them. They smell nice. Oh, wow, wow, wow. She is touching me. She is massaging my arms. I'm trying not to smile because I don't want her to think I'm laughing at her. I'm smiling because it feels so good. Wow, this is the most affection I've gotten in a long time. I wonder if she's married. I wonder if she's a lesbian. I wonder if anyone has ever gotten really uncomfortable and demanded her to stop. Why would anyone do that. This is the best feeling in the world. I want to marry this woman. Is lesbian marriage legal in Texas yet.

Ok, we're sitting back up. That massage didn't last long. We are doing the prayer hand thing again. Straight back, shoulders down. Posture is hard. She is talking about staying calm throughout the day and being the light to other people who don't do yoga. Ok, is yoga a religion? Is there a Buddha statue in here? Oh, man. She's telling us to OMMM. Am I allowed to do that? Am I idolizing another god? What does the 10 Commandments say about yoga? Crap, I'm going to do it silently. I'm sorry, Jesus.

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