Tuesday, April 14, 2015

My thoughts on the first 30 minutes of season 5 premiere of GoT

*I would say there are some spoilers in this blog post but honestly my character descriptions are so bad, you won't know what's going on.*

I have never seen an episode of Game of Thrones in my life. If I had to envision what it’s like, I would imagine it’s like that Kate Upton commercial where she rides into the arena on a horse with a shield. Or that commercial with Britney Spears, Pink, and I think Beyonce. I think the commercial is selling Pepsi, but I’m not sure.


The point is I don’t know what to expect. People have told me it involves a lot of nudity and gore, so lol, kill me.

The season five season premiere starts out with two youngish girls walking and I like their hair. They have accents so I’m already disinterested because a British accent says I’m better than you and I don’t have time for that.

Omg they have braids and I like them.

“You don’t need to be afraid of my father,” one little girl says to the other little girl, which is scary because you should always be afraid of your friends’ fathers. One of my friend’s dad calls me a communist and he terrifies me.

Anyway, they are in a forest and they are headed inside kind of cave/swamp thing and I have no idea where this even takes place. I’m going to guess Louisiana but idk.

game of thrones set.

There is scary woman in the cave telling them to get out. She looks like Emily Blunt. Is she Emily Blunt.

Little girl said the mean looking woman is a witch who can see the future, so she’s the long island medium. Then they talk a little and now the little girl is cutting herself with a knife, which is the least gory thing ever, and I squirmed so this will be fun.

Witch is predicting the future and says little girl will be queen even though she won’t marry the prince, so yay feminism, I guess.

“The king will have 20 children, you will have three,” says Emily Blunt. “That doesn’t make sense,” says the little girl. WHAT DON’T YOU GET. HE GON CHEAT ON YOU. WAKE UP.

Oh now I think that was all a flashback and now she is living her life as a queen I think. She still has braids.

Now there’s a dead guy and a guy is guarding it and I’m like wow wonder what he gets paid.
Oh I think they are sister and brother and they are arguing right in front of their dead father, this is so the Kardashians. After male Bruce Jenner died, Kim and Rob are so not getting along, so like I get this. I get it. We get it.

Omg no midget no. There is a midget on my screen and no one told me this show had midgets. I do have a slight fear of little people and one time I told my fourth grade teacher that and she got mad at me and I was like k, thanks for making me feel bad about my phobia.

The midget was in a crate, so he’s Winston. It’s a bald guy and midget having a discussion and this has Fox sitcom written all over it.

“The future is shit, just like the past.” –the midget. Oh. Why is that no one’s Instagram caption?

MIDGET JUST THREW UP OH OH RED ALERT CODE RED I CAN’T DO THIS. SOMEONE CALL THE COPS.

Ok, some big statue just fell and my roommate gasped, so like, we are upset, I guess.

Now there is a black woman and male and they are getting naked and ugh. There are also subtitles and I did not sign up for this ish. I already watched Passion of the Christ this week, so I think I worked enough.

OH MY GOSH SHE JUST SLIT HIS THROAT AND I SCREAMED I’M NOT LOOKING THERE IS A MUMMY LOOKING THING OMG I CAN’T I CAN’T THAT WAS SO GORY HELP HELP

Oh now there is a really pretty blonde girl, so maybe she was the little girl from the beginning because she’s also wearing braids.

“She’s a bad bitch,” says my roommate and tbh idk if that’s a good or bad thing.

Now there is a guy with curly hair and I see him on all the talk shows. And by that I mean, he was on Kelly and Michael the other day. He is sword fighting with a little boy. This show. So many characters. I can’t keep up.

More characters. help.

Now there’s this elevator thing and curly haired guy and pale Angelina Jolie-looking woman are going up. She is saying things with an accent and I don’t understand but I think she is trying to make a move on him. Now there is snow??????? Why did we change climates??????

I think he just said “the men of the nights” and it sounded like Mennonites, so.

A bunch of old white guys just offered the curly haired guy something.

Now two random people are sword fighting and it reminds me of that scene in Parent Trap when Lindsay Lohan is sword fighting with herself and I’m reminded how much I love that movie and how much I love Dennis Quaid and I think that rant video is fake.

game of thrones.

Ok, so I’m still watching Game of Thrones.


There are two people talking and I thought the person with the short blonde hair was a man but I think it’s a woman so just forget everything at this point. I officially have no idea what’s going on.

I only made it 30 minutes in and I can't decide if I'm going to watch the other 30 minutes tomorrow. Prayers during this difficult time.

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