Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Duggar And Other Questions Answered

I will never forget what I was doing when Cayla texted me the news.


Ok, I'm going to be honest. It happened a few days ago and I already forgot where I was but since it happened, everyone and their dog has asked me about my opinion.

And I'm just too scared to give my opinion, so I'm not going to.

INSTEAD, I asked the fine folks on Facebook to ask me DUGGAR-RELATED questions and apparently everyone hates me/that wasn't clear enough, so I got a bunch of random questions.

Here goes nothing/kill me:

Answer: My favorite part about living in Lubbock was the traffic/parking situation. Even at 5:30 p.m. on a Friday, there was still no traffic. Also, you never had to worry about parking. I also enjoyed the clean air. After living in Lubbock for years, I came back to Garland/Dallas and felt like I couldn't breathe. I did not like that during my last semester all of the Taco Buenos shut down.

Answer: Yes.

Answer: It's a state of mind, for sure. And I LOVE THE RAIN.

Answer: Put non-scented lotion on it every few hours. After getting out of the shower, moisturize a lot. Pat dry with a towel.

Answer: I still look like a Mexican, but it's slowly coming off, so now I have all these weird patches. It's hard.

Answer: As in the seventh game in a row or game 7 in the World Series? Ok, so seventh game in a row? It's great. We are below .500, though. But Vernon Wells did tweet this. Vernon is best friends with Michael Young. Interesting. (Ranger fans are kind of stupid, sorry.)


Answer: They are a family of 21 who has a show on TLC. They are known for their conservative ways and more recently known because their eldest, Josh Duggar, allegedly touched some minors inappropriately when he was 14. Augusta has been my friend for about a year now and she still has no idea who the Duggars are and sometimes I wonder if she even knows me.

Answer: Yes, of course!!!! Jesus forgives and so does America!!! (David Letterman, Robert Downing Jr., Britney Spears, Drew Barrymore, etc.) BUT Josh and his family should probably move back to Arkansas from D.C., open up a used car lot, and stay away from the spotlight. If the rest of the family wants to continue making money, then there can be a spinoff show featuring the four oldest girls, Jana, Jill, Jessa and Jinger. THESE ARE MY FREE IDEAS, TLC.

Answer: This.

or this. graphic by augusta neal.

Answer: I mean. God. Idk. Do you want PMS to get all feminist up in here?

Never because the Duggars don't go to school or even move out before getting married.

Hopefully soon.

Yes because Ben ain't nothing to talk to. Like, I remember the first time I married a 19-year-old and then reproduced with him.

God. Who knows.

There. Questions answered. Bye.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

I got a spray tan and turned into a Mexican

Weddings are a special occasion.

It's when two souls come together and become one.

It's a time for a woman to wear a beautiful white dress and to walk down the aisle to a groom standing there and crying.

But most importantly, it's an excuse for me to get a spray tan.

If my math is correct, the last time I got a spray tan was in 2010 for the last wedding I was in. I did not get any spray tans in college because college is about accepting the quirks that make you different. Example: me being really, really pale. Spray tans are also about $60 and that's 120 Jack in the Box tacos and so it's like, you get it.

what a normal spray tan looks like. prom 2009.

So as soon as Emily told me she was getting married, I began planning my spray tan.

Where would I get it

Would I look orange

When should I get it

Should I take someone to go with me

Exactly 24 hours and 15 minutes before the wedding I decided to go ahead and get the spray tan. I like to think about things for months in advance and then wait until the last minute to do it.

Katie told me of a great place on Cedar Springs (GAYBORHOOD), so I made my appointment.

This was a different kind of spray tan place, though. It was fancy. It was Uptown. It was a fancy Uptown spray tan bar because a person physically did it for you. No machine.

I arrive at 3:45 p.m.

I tell the woman that the rehearsal dinner is at 6 p.m.

She looks at me in horror.

"Ok, you don't have a lot of options."

She asks me what color my bridesmaid dress is. I tell her light blue.

Her look of horror turns into a look of 'Let's take advantage of this girl.'

"Oh, I love these brides who pick light colors. It makes us so much money."


She tells me I should get the wash-off spray tan where I walk out with a tan, then rinse off in a couple of hours, and then the tan will appear again in eight hours.

Listen, I don't understand the Hindi magic behind spray tans. I just know they work, ok.

She takes me into a room and tells me a bunch of instructions in 20 seconds.

Stand there.Take off your clothes.Put lotion there.Don't touch that.Knock three times and whistle when you're ready.

I do everything she tells me to do.

She comes in and begins spraying me.

Turn to the side.

Spread your legs.

Arms up.

Keep your arms up.

Hold your breath.

Turn again.

Don't breathe.

She finishes.

She gives me more instructions.

Put your clothes back on except for your bra. Don't touch anything. You are going to be very sticky for the next couple of hours/days.

what happens when you don't follow instructions.

I walk out. There are three men in the lobby staring at me. They are scared and I am scared.

I pay ($45, what what) and the woman tells me I can wash off in a couple of hours.

I decide to wash off at 5:30 p.m. because that's the earliest I can wash off because we needed to leave Dallas at that exact time to be in Garland by 6 p.m.

I wash off at 5:30 p.m. and my shower was an actual murder scene but instead of blood, it was spray tan. It stained my shower. I was melting. I melted.

I ran to the car and did my makeup while Kassidy drove. My foundation and makeup was six times too light for my spray tan. I applied exactly one pound of bronzer to help the cause.

As the night goes on, I became darker and darker. When I woke up the next morning, I was a full-blown Mexican.

actual footage of me.

I was darker than the actual Mexicans in the wedding.

literally #nofilter literally #happilyhernandez

I was the epitome of #happilyhernandez.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Taylor's Swift #BadBloodMusicVideo




who. how. what even. i'm dead. i can't breathe.

Taylor Swift's Bad Blood music video appeared first thing at the Billboard Music Awards tonight and I did not breathe the entire time.

So like it starts out and Taylor and Selena are in an office, wearing their typical office attire and fighting the bad guys maybe because of the glass ceiling idk??????? They are knocking them down and fighting them and then all of a sudden Selena kicks Taylor out the window and she falls out like that scene in Sex and the City, where the woman falls out the window and dies.

office clothes.

But Taylor doesn't die.

She goes to Star Trek boot camp or something to build muscle and eventually fight against Selena.

The whole time, there is music happening and she is singing because it's a music video, ok don't get it twisted.


I blacked out at this point because I couldn't even believe my eyes and ears. When I awoke, Taylor was laying on this table thing in this hot little white number and it was very Britney Oops I Did It Again era when she is laying and dancing to the space man.

Then a million other people show up in the video. Lena Dunham, Cara Delevegine, Ellen Pompeo, Oprah, Tiger Woods, The Pope, EVERYONE IS IN THIS MUSIC VIDEO. except russell brand so idk.

Side track: The part that fascinates me about this music video is that she got so many people to sign on and do it. Everyone and their actual mother knows this song is about Katy Perry and the ~bad blood~ they have between them. So imagine Taylor Alison Swift calling up Cindy Crawford and being like hey, will you be in my music video. And Cindy is like yeah, let me check with my people. And then Cindy's people are like ok, but you know that song is about Katy, right? Could be bad for your image. And Cindy and ALL THESE OTHER CELEBS are like ok, I don't care.

Like what.



Like, Jessica Alba was in this music video, which is really nice of Taylor, considering she hasn't had an acting role since Honey.


The music video ends with everyone going head to head, like the final scene in Alice in Wonderland, I think I don't really know. It's Taylor and her army of actual models and Selena and some more models and then at the end it's a bitch slap.

Idk. I died.

rest in peace me.

My experience at Pottery Barn Baby

As I stood in line at Pottery Barn Baby behind a couple wearing matching LuluLemon attire, I realized I could never hate two strangers more than I hated them.

I was at Pottery Barn Baby because I was the chosen one to pick up a gift for Granmary. Granmary was going to attend my sister's friend's baby shower and because Granmary is 98, she can't drive. Bless her.

So at 11 a.m. Saturday morning, I rushed out the door to Pottery Barn Baby because I had to be at work in two hours and still needed to get ready.

I weaved in and out of people to find a giant stuffed bunny rabbit to buy for Granmary for the baby.

I checked the price tag. $49 for a stuffed animal. What's it like to have so much money that spending $50 on a stuffed animal doesn't even faze you.

i got the big one. yolo.

I don't even look at anything else. I just grab the bunny with a pink sash around its neck and head for the register.

That's when I meet the one lone man who is working at Pottery Barn Baby in Uptown on a Saturday morning. Bless him because just bless him. I get in line behind the two LuluHeads and quickly realize I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. The LuluHeads were trying to buy a small little clock off a registry and Worker thought maybe PBB was out. He went searching through the store. The LuluHeads needed to show their friends how great they are by buying a clock for a baby.

baby clocks are important.

A pregnant woman and her toddler get in line behind me.

Worker comes back with the clock and the LuluHeads literally rejoice and I'm like ok.

They swipe their card. They ask to have it giftwrapped. They are informed it will take an hour. They agree.

It's my turn in line. Worker does not do the customary, "Sorry for the wait," so I'm automatically a little aggravated. I buy the bunny. I buy a Congratulations card. I ask for giftwrapping.

Worker is having trouble with the cash register. He tells me to follow him across the store. I look behind me and the poor pregnant woman has abandoned her child and sat down. I mouth the word "Sorry" to her. She nods.

Worker takes me to the other side of the store where it looks like the North Pole. There are other workers, who look like working elves, trying to find everything on everyone's Christmas list/baby registry.

actual footage of the Worker at PBB.

Worker asks for my first name, last name, and phone number.

He asks for my receipt back.

He types in a code to the computer and it isn't finding anything. I don't know what he's trying to find but I know he can't find it.

All I wanted was my bunny giftwrapped.

The computer isn't working, so he decided to write everything down.

He asks for my first name, last name, and phone number again.

He asks if the bunny is for a girl or a boy.

I said girl.

I said girl.

I said girl.

I can vividly remember my sister saying how this couple was thinking about using Brittney to name their kid.

I said girl.

I said girl.

I got into my car and texted my sister.

I died.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Things Bruce Jenner Will Have To Deal With As A White Female

Being a white girl is ~hard~

And yay, Bruce Jenner, whatever, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, THIS ISN'T ABOUT BRUCE. This is about me. This is about us. THE POOR WHITE GIRLS.

Once Bruce becomes a woman and finds himself at a baby shower eating melted Snickers from a diaper, I guarantee she will regret everything. THIS IS WHAT WOMAN DO, she will ask herself.

Other tragic things only white girls experience:

  • Hearing "You're funny for a girl."
  • Being asked if you're on your period when you're eating ice cream
  • Being called basic if you walk into Starbucks
  • Seeing UGGS and wanting them
  • Dancing to Beyonce and then have three black girls come and show you up (this has never happened to me, omg, why would you think that)
  • Going to a party where you buy lingerie for your friend who is about to get married
  • Spending $100 at Ulta on makeup and then having a guy tell you he likes you best fresh faced and you're like k.
  • Having to shave your legs before you get a pedicure omg it's so hard you guys
  • Owning five LBDs and having nothing to wear
  • Having to stand in line for the bathroom
  • Being forced to hear drunk girls cry in a bar bathroom
  • Having to pretend to like another woman's engagement ring
  • Pretending you can't eat an entire pizza on your own because you are a ~dainty lady~
  • Watching makeup tutorials on YouTube and liking it
  • Learning how to contour
  • Pretending to like salads with the dressing on the side
  • Trying not to be insulted when the waiter asks if you want a skinny margarita or a diet coke. 
  • Shopping for a cute outfit that says I am fun, buy me a shot, but also I am employed
  • Getting catcalled and pretending to hate it but when it doesn't happen, you're secretly pissed
  • Pretending to like your friend's husband
  • Pretending to think your friend's child is cute
  • Pretending to like children
  • Pretending you would never get lip fillers like Kylie Jenner
  • Acting like you can take any shot handed to you and then throwing up in the bathroom
  • Spending $40 on underwear at Victoria's Secret and that's when they are on sale
  • Stressing over your Facebook profile picture. Something that says I'm fun but also I am employed
  • Keeping your apartment clean and not living like a frat guy, omg my apartment is so clean, don't look at me.
  • Crying while watching A Walk To Remember because you just want a bad guy to turn good for you
  • Asking your friends what he meant by "lol" 
  • Having a guy text you "lol"
  • Getting a raise from your boss and your friends asking what in the world you did to get it, you know what I mean.

Go Bruce go. Do you, idc. Good luck. Call me when these things happen.