Tuesday, May 26, 2015

I got a spray tan and turned into a Mexican

Weddings are a special occasion.

It's when two souls come together and become one.

It's a time for a woman to wear a beautiful white dress and to walk down the aisle to a groom standing there and crying.

But most importantly, it's an excuse for me to get a spray tan.

If my math is correct, the last time I got a spray tan was in 2010 for the last wedding I was in. I did not get any spray tans in college because college is about accepting the quirks that make you different. Example: me being really, really pale. Spray tans are also about $60 and that's 120 Jack in the Box tacos and so it's like, you get it.

what a normal spray tan looks like. prom 2009.

So as soon as Emily told me she was getting married, I began planning my spray tan.

Where would I get it

Would I look orange

When should I get it

Should I take someone to go with me

Exactly 24 hours and 15 minutes before the wedding I decided to go ahead and get the spray tan. I like to think about things for months in advance and then wait until the last minute to do it.

Katie told me of a great place on Cedar Springs (GAYBORHOOD), so I made my appointment.

This was a different kind of spray tan place, though. It was fancy. It was Uptown. It was a fancy Uptown spray tan bar because a person physically did it for you. No machine.

I arrive at 3:45 p.m.

I tell the woman that the rehearsal dinner is at 6 p.m.

She looks at me in horror.



"Ok, you don't have a lot of options."

She asks me what color my bridesmaid dress is. I tell her light blue.

Her look of horror turns into a look of 'Let's take advantage of this girl.'



"Oh, I love these brides who pick light colors. It makes us so much money."

THAT IS SOMETHING SHE LITERALLY SAID TO MY FACE. ME THE CUSTOMER. SHE LOOKED ME IN THE EYE AND SAID THAT AND I WAS LIKE OK THEN.

She tells me I should get the wash-off spray tan where I walk out with a tan, then rinse off in a couple of hours, and then the tan will appear again in eight hours.

Listen, I don't understand the Hindi magic behind spray tans. I just know they work, ok.

She takes me into a room and tells me a bunch of instructions in 20 seconds.

Stand there.Take off your clothes.Put lotion there.Don't touch that.Knock three times and whistle when you're ready.

I do everything she tells me to do.

She comes in and begins spraying me.

Turn to the side.

Spread your legs.

Arms up.

Keep your arms up.

Hold your breath.

Turn again.

Don't breathe.

She finishes.

She gives me more instructions.

Put your clothes back on except for your bra. Don't touch anything. You are going to be very sticky for the next couple of hours/days.


what happens when you don't follow instructions.

I walk out. There are three men in the lobby staring at me. They are scared and I am scared.

I pay ($45, what what) and the woman tells me I can wash off in a couple of hours.

I decide to wash off at 5:30 p.m. because that's the earliest I can wash off because we needed to leave Dallas at that exact time to be in Garland by 6 p.m.

I wash off at 5:30 p.m. and my shower was an actual murder scene but instead of blood, it was spray tan. It stained my shower. I was melting. I melted.

I ran to the car and did my makeup while Kassidy drove. My foundation and makeup was six times too light for my spray tan. I applied exactly one pound of bronzer to help the cause.

As the night goes on, I became darker and darker. When I woke up the next morning, I was a full-blown Mexican.

actual footage of me.

I was darker than the actual Mexicans in the wedding.

literally #nofilter literally #happilyhernandez

I was the epitome of #happilyhernandez.

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