Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Why I'm The World's Best Wing-Woman

Because I am so insane the guy is just naturally attracted to my friend instead of me.

It's a win-win for everyone.

But I'm guessing you came here for examples. So here it goes.

What are they?
After, like, four dates, it's common for two people to wonder what exactly their relationship is. That's where PMS comes into play. I was wing-womaning for a friend, when another friend came up to me and the male and said, "How do we know him?" I said, "He's courting my friend."


Because why not use Duggar terminology in the middle of the bar.

Tay Swift lyrics
It's also very important to remind the male what exactly can happen when you enter a relationship. So after saying that he was courting her, I said, "It's gonna last forever or it's gonna go down in flames." It's just healthy to remind everyone involved that all relationships either end in marriage or destruction.

It's my rose now
Earlier in the night (have I mentioned none of this is real, I'm just making all of this up, I would never do any of this), my friend's courter had bought her a rose from a woman on the street. Well, I quickly took it and decided to give it out to potential suitors in the bar. I pretended I was on The Bachelorette and shockingly, this male played along.

I don't know why I chose him. He has muscles and we all know that's not PMS's type.

Let's play a game
Games are fun and everyone loves games except if you don't, and I actually really don't. But my friend's man and I got to talking about people we both knew and I started calling everyone gay. I then pulled up our mutual Facebook friends and went down the list and started listing off all of his friends who I thought was gay. He went silent after the third friend.

My traditional goodbye
The best way to say goodbye to someone is by pinching their nipple. This makes people think you are crazy 10/10 times. So crazy that they then look at the woman they are courting and thank God above for her.

You're welcome, everyone.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

My Very Informative Movie Review of Jurassic World

Who would have thought I would enjoy Jurassic World so much that I would see it twice?

You? Did you think that? Hello? Because I certainly did not.

But I loved it and spoiler people die and Chris Pratt is really, really hot.

First, who is Chris Pratt? I literally have no idea. I feel like he came from nowhere. I feel like one minute he was some actor on Parks and Rec and the next minute he lost a bunch of weight and was starring in the biggest, most successful movie in the history of movies.

side note: I'm finally watching Parks and Rec after 39 people told me to do so.

Second, what is a Jurassic World? I was confused about this too. Were the characters going to see real dinosaurs or were they going to be Disney dinosaurs and then one would come alive? I was confused but after seeing the movie twice, I finally figured it out. They were "real" dinosaurs. Did those quotation marks confuse you? Ok, they were real in the movie, but like dinosaurs don't exist anymore. If they even did ever. Do you get it? Ok, good, me neither.

Ok, so it takes, no joke, about 30 minutes for Chris Pratt to even appear on the screen, which is a real bummer. But when he does, oh boy, it's good.

He's wearing these pants and this shirt and this vest and he has a knife on his belt and he's controlling the raptors and I'm like oh baby.

Then it's revealed he used to be in the Navy and it's seriously like God bless our troops. Thank you for serving. I salute you. Our nation is the best. God bless America. Land of the free and home of the brave. Free country. America. Red, white and blue.

Then we find out his name is Owen Grady and it's like 1) what. That's such a manly name, like I cannot even fathom dating someone with a name like that. A man named Owen Grady says I'm a man and I control dinosaurs. 2) There is really no second part to this except wow, Chris Pratt.

So then the movie gets going and a dinosaur gets loose (lol serious spoiler) and Chris Pratt is telling everyone that everyone is going to die. I'm like, well Chris Pratt/Owen Grady (how do you want me to refer to him in this post?) you better not die because hot men never die in movies.

Examples: Zac Efron in Charlie St. Cloud, Chris Pine in Jack Ryan, Kenny Wormald in Footloose. Do you see the pattern? Hot guys survive.

So the dino starts killing a bunch of people and Chris Pratt starts saving a bunch of people. At one point, all of the guests in the park start to run and one guy grabs his two margaritas beforehand and then runs. I found out that person was Jimmy Buffett. Haha, that's funny. Is anyone still reading?

But here's where it gets good.

Chris Pratt hops on a motorcycle at one point. He starts driving through the woods and making hot faces and honestly, it's all just really good. Dinosaurs are trying to eat him but he's swerving away from all man-eating dinos and looking good while doing it.

Then the bad guy comes and says we need your raptors, Chris/Owen because they need to catch the bad dinosaur. So with some hesitation, Chris goes and gets his dinosaur. One of the little boys (lol this movie has two boys in it and they are main characters but is anyone a main character when Chris Pratt is in your movie idk) asks Chris what the names of the raptors are.

Chris says:





The little boy says, "Who is the alpha?"

Chris says, "You're looking at him, kid."

OH BABY. DO YOU GET IT. CHRIS IS THE ALPHA. I swear I could have left the theater right then because I was so taken away with Chris and his performance. I mean, get this man an Oscar. Get this man a Nobel Peace Prize. Get this man something. He's a brilliant actor and by that I mean he's just really hot.

So then the movie finally ends and a black guys dies because of course he does. But Chris and the two little boys and the redheaded lady survive and everything is ok.

At the end the redheaded lady (who is Opie's daughter in real life. Opie is from the Andy Griffith Show. Yeah, I hate that show, too) asks, "What do we do now?"

And Chris says, "Probably stick together. For survival reasons."

Like, ok, Chris. She smiles and it's like YEAH I WOULD SMILE TOO.

The end. I give the movie a 9/10 because he keeps his shirt on the whole time.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

I Need Life Alert

help, I've fallen and I can get up but no one cares.

I work from home, which gives me the freedom to sleep in, grocery shop in the middle of the day, and apparently die.

Let me take you back to Marg Night June 9, 2015
It was like any normal Marg Night. I was drinking a margarita and Cayla was on the phone asking about donating a liver (#what #idontknow #askhernotme). After dinner, I did my usual routine of driving through Krispy Kreme, getting some donuts, and then going home and crashing.

Then like every other Marg Night, I woke up at 3:30 a.m. with a horrible headache, full bladder, and parched mouth. As I stumbled out of the bathroom, I tripped over my laundry basket in the middle of the hallway in pitch darkness.

I tripped. My arms went in the air and I came crashing down.

this hurts a lot.

I giggled and then groaned and looked around just waiting for Kassidy and Winston to come out of her bedroom and rescue me.

After 30 seconds on the floor, I realized that wasn't going to happen.

Anxiety meds
I am the actual worst at taking pills. I place the pill on the back of my tongue, take a big sip of Dr Pepper, and attempt to swallow the pill about 20 times before actually doing it.

And half of the time, I don't successfully swallow the pill and end up doing this weird choke/gag/spit up thing.

This happens every day. EVERY. DAY.

And every day, Winston watches me run to the bathroom, stand over the sink and cough my lungs out because I just nearly died trying to swallow my anxiety med.

It kind of makes me anxious.

Heels are hard
After Emily's wedding reception, about 25 saints volunteers helped clean up. For some reason, I was one of those people and it will never happen again because PMS does not clean and should never clean again and this is proof. After a night of dancing in heels, my feet were donezo, but I still carried some heavy things to a car because #bridesmaidduties. As I was walking out, I felt myself falling. My heel turned to its side and I began wobbling. But instead of actually falling to the ground, I struggled to keep my balance, while also trying not to drop the things I was carrying. My feet wobbled for about 10 feet while about 10 men just watched me in horror.

I need Life Alert.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Hot Neighbor Update

It's time for a Hot Neighbor update!!!

Things you need to know about Hot Neighbor before continuing on this quest of a blog post:

  1. He is hot.
  2. He is my neighbor.
  3. He once said to me, "Paige, you are the exact opposite of Benjamin Button but exactly like Jennifer Lopez."

Please hold your applause on my ability to come up with nicknames for men. It's a gift, really.

He's really into me
A few days ago, he came over to mine and Kassidy's apartment and told us how a girl didn't want to date him.

  • First, what kind of human female being doesn't want to date Hot Neighbor 
  • And second, what. 

Anyway, he was sad and I didn't know what to say. So I pointed to KK and I and said, "Well, we're available." Hot Neighbor then proceeded to walk out of the apartment. HE WALKED OUT OF THE APARTMENT. He said "Yeah, ok, I have to go." I WAS LIKE I KNOW WE ARE BEAUTIFUL AND SMART AND FUNNY BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE INTIMIDATED BY US.

It's honestly disturbing how into us he is.

I have other examples of how into me he is.

It was his birthday. He invited me out. I didn't go. I planned on going but then I took a shower and got really sleepy, so don't tell me life isn't hard for this single white female. I then texted him. This was our exchange.


He's a handyman
Have I told you that Hot Neighbor collects rocks? Like, when you walk into his apartment, there is an entire bookshelf of rocks. Big rocks. Small rocks. Brown rocks. This man does not discriminate against his rocks.

This is all background information for what I'm about to tell you. Ok, hold on. Stay with me. This is about to get good.

So about 5 months into living here, KK and I decided that maybe we should consider decorating. And by decorating, we decided to hang a mirror to better look at ourselves. But because we are dainty and skinny and pretty, we don't own a hammer. So we did the only logical thing in the world and we called Hot Neighbor. And by that, I mean we knocked on his door and asked him if he had a hammer, aka if he would be our slave and hang something for us. He said, "I don't have a hammer but I have a rock."




So then Hot Neighbor comes over to our apartment with this rock and uses it to nail a nail into the wall. And I'm like:

what. on. god's. green. earth. is. happening. right. now.

I'm not going to sit here and say write that I didn't enjoy it because we all know I did.

We watch The Bachelor together
My channel 8 is tragic. I have to sit in a certain spot in my bedroom to get signal and it's just the worst. But Hot Neighbor is always there to come to the rescue.

So I have single-handley ruined Hot Neighbor's Monday nights until the rest of eternity because I make him watch The Bachelor with me.

Sidenote: Have you ever watched The Bachelor with a man who isn't your dad? Because they see things that will blow your mind.

"He's not into her. You can tell by the way he raises his chin."

You're a wizard, Harry Potter Hot Neighbor.

Hot Neighbor basically.

Who is she.
Occasionally, and by occasionally, I mean daily, KK and I will walk over to Hot Neighbor's apartment and knock on the door. When he doesn't let us in, and by when, I mean all the time, we always ask "Who is she." And then we look around him to see if we can see a girl in his apartment and our lives are tragic.

Hot Neighbor looks good in workout clothes
Do you know how I know that? Because one time I saw him in workout clothes and the first thing my brain told my mouth to say was, "You look good in workout clothes."


Wednesday, June 3, 2015

The Duggars Talk About Josh And It's Like What Just Happened

I turn on my TV and see video of JLo's backup dancers and hear Bill O'Reilly say they look like ISIS.


ok how excited is everyone. how happy is everyone. everyone is so happy. your grandmother is happy. your boyfriend is happy. your dog is happy.

Remember when no one knew who the Duggars were and now everyone and their mother is coming up to me and asking what my opinion is.

My parents ask me over lunch.

My roommate's co-worker asks me.

Men in bars ask me.

Homeless women ask me.

I ask me.


I know literally nothing about 14-year-old boys and what they think and how they act. I went to an all-girls middle school and by that I mean I didn't, I went to Webb Middle School, I just didn't look or speak to boys, so, like, it's hard.

But tonight we get to hear some of the Duggars speak about the ~allegations~ that Josh Duggar molested some young girls.

Here's how it went down.

"Who the fuck spells Megyn like that?" -Corey, Cayla's boyfriend. I'm at Cayla's because she's made of money and can afford cable. Bless her.

Megyn Kelly of The Kelly File tells us this special is not intended for younger viewers.

oh snap

oh snap

shiz is about the get real.

Megyn is explaining who the Duggars are and showing a bunch of clips from the show and blah blah blah, we are so bored.


"It was one of the most darkest times," Jim Bob says and I'm like oh ok grammar is hard.

We learned Josh had just turned 14 and was a ~curious~ boy, so he improperly touched some of the sisters.




Jim Bob and Michelle explain that he was just curious about girls and they didn't even know he had done it.

THE SISTERS DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY HAD BEEN FELT UP BY THEIR BROTHER WHILE THEY WERE SLEEPING because apparently you lose all touch while sleeping idk????? Usually I feel things while sleeping but like I'm also wonder woman and my senses are really great, so like I don't blame the Duggar girls if they aren't me.

ok sry.

It's so obvious Jim Bob and Michelle have gone through extensive media training since this story broke because they are just trying to spit out key words.


Jim Bob literally has a phone on his lap and Michelle has a piece of paper and I'm like that's cheating but I will forgive you because I'm a saint.

Jim Bob is so incredibly nervous it's actually funny and I'm trying not to giggle but it's hard.

Jim Bob and Michelle explain that he touched the girls over the clothes and then Jim Bob randomly and kind of quietly says there were a couple of instances of him touching them under the clothes.




well this changes everything.

And then it's never addressed again and it's like oh. So he did touch them under the clothes and Megyn why aren't you asking about that?????????????????? And hello Megyn did you even hear that????? UNDER THE CLOTHES.

"Put your kid in fucking public school. He'll touch other girls." -Corey for your half-black man insight.

Throughout this interview, they keep showing pictures of Josh like he's dead and it's just like oh rip, I guess.

Then Megyn says how he touched one girl but she was so young her age was in the single digits and it's like ok.




I could do the math and try to narrow it down to the 1 million sisters it could have been but like that's hard so I'm just going to guess it was Jinger or Joy Anna. That would put them at 8 and 4 respectively and you're welcome for that math.

Michelle and Jim Bob say that they discussed with all the girls what it means to be touched inappropriately and I believe them and think that's what you are supposed to do?????????????????? Idk I'm trying not to defend Michelle and Jim Bob and remain objective but it's hard. This is hard. help.

This interview is so scrambled and it's honestly hard to follow. Jim Bob is talking in circles and Corey just walked out.

Then it's revealed that it was four sisters and a babysitter while they were asleep but why was the babysitter asleep?????????? There's a hole in this story, Jim Bob and I'm an investigative journalist and I won't sleep until I know why the babysitter was sleeping on the job except I literally will because I would sleep if I babysat that family, too.

OK, then the interview moves to how Jim Bob took Josh to a cop and literally for one minute Megyn and Jim Bob and Michelle are discussing how now that cop is in jail for child porn and Jim Bob is just trying to talk about this man's mistakes for as long as possible to get out of Josh's mistakes.

The TV shows a picture of said cop and it's like oh.

i saved this photo as childporncop so lol

Then we learn that ALL the children, not just the victims, like ALL the children, had counseling and Josh even paid for his own and it's like lol k.

Yes, the profits from this lemonade stand goes to the counseling I need because I felt up Jessa over there. -Josh, probably in the summer of 2002

lol sry.

Now Jim Bob is trying to turn the tables and say how you can't release the juvy records and it's like ok.


I'm sorry. This is 2015.

There are no secrets.

Megyn teases the other part of the interview with Jill and Jessa but I guess we don't get to hear from Josh????????????????

In the preview they are calling themselves victims but Jim Bob and Michelle said they didn't even know it happened, which I mean they are still victims, I just think Jim Bob and Michelle were lying about that.

Then it's all about justice and Michelle gets all mama bear on Megyn and says her trust was betrayed.

YA SO WAS OURS BECAUSE WE BELIEVED THE DUGGARS WERE PERFECT, and by that I mean literally no one believed that but ok you get it. bye.

I feel like we learned nothing from this interview but it could be because I'm a literal Duggar expert and I know everything.

thoughts? help.