Thursday, June 18, 2015

My Very Informative Movie Review of Jurassic World

Who would have thought I would enjoy Jurassic World so much that I would see it twice?

You? Did you think that? Hello? Because I certainly did not.

But I loved it and spoiler people die and Chris Pratt is really, really hot.

First, who is Chris Pratt? I literally have no idea. I feel like he came from nowhere. I feel like one minute he was some actor on Parks and Rec and the next minute he lost a bunch of weight and was starring in the biggest, most successful movie in the history of movies.



side note: I'm finally watching Parks and Rec after 39 people told me to do so.

Second, what is a Jurassic World? I was confused about this too. Were the characters going to see real dinosaurs or were they going to be Disney dinosaurs and then one would come alive? I was confused but after seeing the movie twice, I finally figured it out. They were "real" dinosaurs. Did those quotation marks confuse you? Ok, they were real in the movie, but like dinosaurs don't exist anymore. If they even did ever. Do you get it? Ok, good, me neither.

Ok, so it takes, no joke, about 30 minutes for Chris Pratt to even appear on the screen, which is a real bummer. But when he does, oh boy, it's good.

He's wearing these pants and this shirt and this vest and he has a knife on his belt and he's controlling the raptors and I'm like oh baby.

Then it's revealed he used to be in the Navy and it's seriously like God bless our troops. Thank you for serving. I salute you. Our nation is the best. God bless America. Land of the free and home of the brave. Free country. America. Red, white and blue.

Then we find out his name is Owen Grady and it's like 1) what. That's such a manly name, like I cannot even fathom dating someone with a name like that. A man named Owen Grady says I'm a man and I control dinosaurs. 2) There is really no second part to this except wow, Chris Pratt.



So then the movie gets going and a dinosaur gets loose (lol serious spoiler) and Chris Pratt is telling everyone that everyone is going to die. I'm like, well Chris Pratt/Owen Grady (how do you want me to refer to him in this post?) you better not die because hot men never die in movies.

Examples: Zac Efron in Charlie St. Cloud, Chris Pine in Jack Ryan, Kenny Wormald in Footloose. Do you see the pattern? Hot guys survive.

So the dino starts killing a bunch of people and Chris Pratt starts saving a bunch of people. At one point, all of the guests in the park start to run and one guy grabs his two margaritas beforehand and then runs. I found out that person was Jimmy Buffett. Haha, that's funny. Is anyone still reading?

But here's where it gets good.

Chris Pratt hops on a motorcycle at one point. He starts driving through the woods and making hot faces and honestly, it's all just really good. Dinosaurs are trying to eat him but he's swerving away from all man-eating dinos and looking good while doing it.



Then the bad guy comes and says we need your raptors, Chris/Owen because they need to catch the bad dinosaur. So with some hesitation, Chris goes and gets his dinosaur. One of the little boys (lol this movie has two boys in it and they are main characters but is anyone a main character when Chris Pratt is in your movie idk) asks Chris what the names of the raptors are.

Chris says:

Delta

Blue

Charlie

Echo

The little boy says, "Who is the alpha?"

Chris says, "You're looking at him, kid."



OH BABY. DO YOU GET IT. CHRIS IS THE ALPHA. I swear I could have left the theater right then because I was so taken away with Chris and his performance. I mean, get this man an Oscar. Get this man a Nobel Peace Prize. Get this man something. He's a brilliant actor and by that I mean he's just really hot.

So then the movie finally ends and a black guys dies because of course he does. But Chris and the two little boys and the redheaded lady survive and everything is ok.

At the end the redheaded lady (who is Opie's daughter in real life. Opie is from the Andy Griffith Show. Yeah, I hate that show, too) asks, "What do we do now?"

And Chris says, "Probably stick together. For survival reasons."

Like, ok, Chris. She smiles and it's like YEAH I WOULD SMILE TOO.

The end. I give the movie a 9/10 because he keeps his shirt on the whole time.

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