Wednesday, June 3, 2015

The Duggars Talk About Josh And It's Like What Just Happened

I turn on my TV and see video of JLo's backup dancers and hear Bill O'Reilly say they look like ISIS.

WELCOME TO FOX NEWS.

ok how excited is everyone. how happy is everyone. everyone is so happy. your grandmother is happy. your boyfriend is happy. your dog is happy.

Remember when no one knew who the Duggars were and now everyone and their mother is coming up to me and asking what my opinion is.

My parents ask me over lunch.

My roommate's co-worker asks me.

Men in bars ask me.

Homeless women ask me.

I ask me.

AND THE ANSWER IS I DON'T KNOW.

I know literally nothing about 14-year-old boys and what they think and how they act. I went to an all-girls middle school and by that I mean I didn't, I went to Webb Middle School, I just didn't look or speak to boys, so, like, it's hard.

But tonight we get to hear some of the Duggars speak about the ~allegations~ that Josh Duggar molested some young girls.

Here's how it went down.

"Who the fuck spells Megyn like that?" -Corey, Cayla's boyfriend. I'm at Cayla's because she's made of money and can afford cable. Bless her.



Megyn Kelly of The Kelly File tells us this special is not intended for younger viewers.

oh snap

oh snap

shiz is about the get real.

Megyn is explaining who the Duggars are and showing a bunch of clips from the show and blah blah blah, we are so bored.

GET TO THE MOLESTING, MEGYN.

"It was one of the most darkest times," Jim Bob says and I'm like oh ok grammar is hard.

We learned Josh had just turned 14 and was a ~curious~ boy, so he improperly touched some of the sisters.

OH MY GOD.

SISTERS.

SISTERS.

Jim Bob and Michelle explain that he was just curious about girls and they didn't even know he had done it.

THE SISTERS DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY HAD BEEN FELT UP BY THEIR BROTHER WHILE THEY WERE SLEEPING because apparently you lose all touch while sleeping idk????? Usually I feel things while sleeping but like I'm also wonder woman and my senses are really great, so like I don't blame the Duggar girls if they aren't me.

ok sry.

It's so obvious Jim Bob and Michelle have gone through extensive media training since this story broke because they are just trying to spit out key words.

Sorry.
Jesus.
Improper.
Breasts.
Touching.
Victims.
Prayers.
Counseling.

Jim Bob literally has a phone on his lap and Michelle has a piece of paper and I'm like that's cheating but I will forgive you because I'm a saint.

Jim Bob is so incredibly nervous it's actually funny and I'm trying not to giggle but it's hard.

Jim Bob and Michelle explain that he touched the girls over the clothes and then Jim Bob randomly and kind of quietly says there were a couple of instances of him touching them under the clothes.

OH.

oh.

o.

well this changes everything.

And then it's never addressed again and it's like oh. So he did touch them under the clothes and Megyn why aren't you asking about that?????????????????? And hello Megyn did you even hear that????? UNDER THE CLOTHES.

"Put your kid in fucking public school. He'll touch other girls." -Corey for your half-black man insight.

Throughout this interview, they keep showing pictures of Josh like he's dead and it's just like oh rip, I guess.

Then Megyn says how he touched one girl but she was so young her age was in the single digits and it's like ok.

ok.

k.

okay.

I could do the math and try to narrow it down to the 1 million sisters it could have been but like that's hard so I'm just going to guess it was Jinger or Joy Anna. That would put them at 8 and 4 respectively and you're welcome for that math.



Michelle and Jim Bob say that they discussed with all the girls what it means to be touched inappropriately and I believe them and think that's what you are supposed to do?????????????????? Idk I'm trying not to defend Michelle and Jim Bob and remain objective but it's hard. This is hard. help.



This interview is so scrambled and it's honestly hard to follow. Jim Bob is talking in circles and Corey just walked out.

Then it's revealed that it was four sisters and a babysitter while they were asleep but why was the babysitter asleep?????????? There's a hole in this story, Jim Bob and I'm an investigative journalist and I won't sleep until I know why the babysitter was sleeping on the job except I literally will because I would sleep if I babysat that family, too.

OK, then the interview moves to how Jim Bob took Josh to a cop and literally for one minute Megyn and Jim Bob and Michelle are discussing how now that cop is in jail for child porn and Jim Bob is just trying to talk about this man's mistakes for as long as possible to get out of Josh's mistakes.

The TV shows a picture of said cop and it's like oh.

i saved this photo as childporncop so lol

Then we learn that ALL the children, not just the victims, like ALL the children, had counseling and Josh even paid for his own and it's like lol k.

Yes, the profits from this lemonade stand goes to the counseling I need because I felt up Jessa over there. -Josh, probably in the summer of 2002

lol sry.

Now Jim Bob is trying to turn the tables and say how you can't release the juvy records and it's like ok.

YOU ARE FAMOUS. YOU HAVE A TV SHOW. YOU ARE PUBLIC FIGURES. YOU LITERALLY CALL GAYS PERVERTS. YOU CAN'T HAVE SECRETS.

I'm sorry. This is 2015.

There are no secrets.

Megyn teases the other part of the interview with Jill and Jessa but I guess we don't get to hear from Josh????????????????

In the preview they are calling themselves victims but Jim Bob and Michelle said they didn't even know it happened, which I mean they are still victims, I just think Jim Bob and Michelle were lying about that.

Then it's all about justice and Michelle gets all mama bear on Megyn and says her trust was betrayed.

YA SO WAS OURS BECAUSE WE BELIEVED THE DUGGARS WERE PERFECT, and by that I mean literally no one believed that but ok you get it. bye.

I feel like we learned nothing from this interview but it could be because I'm a literal Duggar expert and I know everything.

thoughts? help.

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