Thursday, July 30, 2015

The Time I Was Taped Inside My Apartment

The doorbell rings.

I'm in my bed with Winston and we are listening to Aly and AJ's "Flattery."

I have excellent taste in music.

Winston begins to bark and we make our way to the front door. I look out the peephole but it is covered.

Hmph, today is the day I get murdered I guess, I think to myself, because I'm opening the door anyway.

I pull on the handle and realize I'm stuck. I look out the window and see painters.

Ohh, today is the day they are painting the doors. They told us that with a flier that I didn't read but Kassidy read to me.

It's noon and I need to be out the door by 1:20 p.m. because I'm meeting Emily in Murphy, America to eat Rosas.

Murphy is about 40 minutes away and I will do anything for a beef nacho salad, I guess.

I'll call the office to make sure I will be able to get out by 13:20 central american military chris kyle time zone.

*calls front office*

ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, answering machine

*waits 15 minutes*

*calls front office*

"Hi, how can I help you?"

"Yes, y'all are painting our doors and they taped us in so paint wouldn't get on the floor and I can't get out and I need out by 1:20 p.m. Is this possible?"

"Oh, yes. That shouldn't be a problem. That's an hour away. It just needs time to dry."

*calls front office five times because no one is picking up*

*calls again and presses 3 because this is a maintenance emergency*

"If this is a fire, please hang up and call 911. If this is a maintenance emergency, please stay on the line."

This is the exact definition of a maintenance emergency.

"Hello, how can I help you?"

"Yes, they are painting our front doors and they taped me in and I need out right now because I have an appointment to be to."

(appointment sounds better than Rosas)

"They taped you in?"

"Did I stutter?"

"Hmm, I'm sorry about that. What's your name? What building are you in?"

I hang up the phone. I look out the window to see if I can make eye contact with one of the painters so they can come save me. I see no one.

Ohh, this is bad, Winston, this is bad.

I see an office manager walking to her car. She gets in. She drives off.

Enjoy your lunch. I'll be in my apartment with no food and four bottles of half-finished pink wine.

I'm going to have a panic attack. Being enclosed is not good for me. Elevators, road trips, airplanes, being locked in your own apartment. Today is the day I die.

My heart starts to race. I stay inside all day but knowing I can't get out starts to make me nervous.

I text Emily to tell her I'm a prisoner in my own home.

She tells me to just open the door. I didn't think of that.

I forcefully open the door. Winston tries to go out to go potty. I tell him we don't have time for that.

I close the door. There is tape on the lock and handle. I can't lock the door behind me.

I have to lock the door. What if someone comes in and steals a bottle of pink wine or Winston.

I begin to peel off the tape. The paint is not dry. The orange paint is not dry. Paint is all over my fingers.

I lock the door. I get in my car and touch the steering wheel. Orange paint is everywhere but I don't have time to go back inside and wash my hands. Rosas is waiting for me.

I drive 22 miles with one hand.

I arrive at Rosas. I head straight to the bathroom to wash off the paint. Orange paint is going down the drain. It looks like the baby giraffe died in my hands.

I sit down. I eat Rosas.

I now live in a UT dorm room that hasn't been remodeled since the 70s.

actual photo evidence of my front door i wish i was kidding.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Tales of Winston The Dog

People often ask me what I do all day. You see, people think if you work from home you drink beer all day and throw parties with strippers. When in reality, I write and then when writer's block hits me, I vacuum, watch makeup tutorials, and talk to Winston.

Winston Marie Ketron is Kassidy's dog. Because Kassidy is my roommate, I spend a lot of time with Winston. A LOT of time. So much time I gave him the middle name Marie because everyone just assumes my middle name is Marie, so I thought someone should have it.

kassidy and winston marie.

Winston could be your average dog, I don't know. I didn't grow up with animals. So Winston is my test dog and I test new things on him every day.

We oftentimes call Winston stupid, but we realized he just looks stupid. He has a lazy eye that makes it very difficult to take him seriously. But he's not actually stupid because he knows a ton of words and their meanings. For example, he knows: sit, off, move, shake, other paw, potty, do-do, car ride, hungry, no, stop, lay down, why is your wiener out, go, shower, and Baby Dex. You see, he's smart.

But just because he's smart doesn't mean he's not annoying. Very annoying. And I hate using the word "very" so you know I'm being very serious right now. When you spend all day working from home, sometimes you just want to go to the bathroom and not have Winston staring at you. Sometimes you just want to watch Sex and the City without Winston's face on your stomach. Sometimes you just want to have a male over and not have Winston step on his nether regions and embarrass you. I have dreams like I'm sure all of you do. But mine are simple.

Sleeping with him
I was going to name an entire blog "What it's like to sleep with a black male" and write about when Winston sleeps in my bed. I ran that title by three white males and two said, "Yes, that's so funny!" and one said no. (One of the men who said yes looks like the love child of Justin Bieber and Harry Styles and that is not important to this story but here we are.) I went with the one who said no because I'm apparently chicken. But sleeping with Winston in my bed is the worst. Dogs don't sleep through the night and Winston is no exception. He also does this thing where he puts his head between my head and shoulder and just sits there. And breathes. And licks his nose so I can smell his breath. And hear his tongue. And then when he's not doing that, he will jump down from the bed. But when he decides he wants back up, he just jumps up. There's no warning. Why would there be a warning. He just jumps up and scares me. To death. Well scares me awake.

winston between head and shoulder.

how he looks at me when i wake up.

Sometimes he knows what I drive
This is the part where it's hard to tell if Winston is smart or not. Every time I go to get lunch through a drive-through, I take Winston with me. I'm a nice person, you could say. I announce "car ride" and he gets really excited and it's fun, we have fun, I'm the cool babysitter. I don't use a leash or anything because we are both grown adults and so he just wanders out to the parking lot. Sometimes he goes straight to my car and I'm amazed. "Wow, he knows what I drive!" and sometimes he goes straight to the monster truck and just stands by the passenger side, waiting for me to open the door. I'm like oh, I guess those 30 trips to Whataburger in my Mazda slipped through your doggie brain because now you think I drive a monster truck.

winston in car.

He's scared of strange things
Winston being scared of the vacuum is kind of predictable but when he jumped when I moved my computer charger, I was like ok, maybe you need to grow up. But what he's not scared of are the painters working on the outside of my apartment. He loves those guys. He walks up to those guys. He talks to those guys. He is one of the guys.

He calls me Miss Paige
Do you know how I know this? Because I talk for Winston. Winston and I have conversations. He talks kind of like an old Southern woman and he calls me Miss Paige because he's proper. He's a proper sir. I wish I could properly convey how Winston talks in a blog post, but I can't. You have to hear it to believe it. Kassidy and I will spend minutes upon minutes just talking to each other but through Winston. I'm sorry. It's tragic.

He does this weird yawning thing
Sometimes when he's excited, he yawns audibly and it's the strangest sound in the world. It's like he's trying to talk but when he opens his mouth, a yawn just comes out. He does it a lot when Kassidy gets home from work because he's excited. But he always, ALWAYS, does it right before she feeds him. I don't wake up in the morning from Kassidy getting ready and turning on the blender and showering and talking on the phone and singing Disney songs, but I wake up when Winston audibly yawns before she feeds him. It's annoying, but you can't really be that mad because I make a similar sound when the hibachi chef lights the grill on fire and I'm excited for my food.

He's apathetic
Sometimes I put things on him and he doesn't move. It's like he might care but he doesn't do anything about it. It's like he's thinking about if he should care but by time he decides, it's already over. It's like me and politics. Do I care, Do I care, oh the election date passed, oops. That's Winston when I put jackets and material on him.

Mennonite Winston Marie

He's not impressed with my naked body
When I take a shower, which is every day thank you, Winston lays in the hallway and waits for me. But as soon as I close the shower curtain, he takes off. I know this because about two minutes into my shower, I peek to see if he is there and he never is. I don't know where he goes during this time, but by the time my shower is over, he's back laying on the floor, staring at me. And his stare, omg. It's evil. I pull the shower curtain back and he is just looking at me with the most unimpressed face in the world.

He had a Valentine
Winston had a Valentine. I don't know what it was. Possibly Kassidy and I were just bored with our love lives, so we decided it would be a good idea to orchestrate Winston's love life, but at some point, we decided Winston was going to date the lab across the hall, June. It might have started because June's dad is attractive and we wanted a way to talk to him (not Hot Neighbor, another hot neighbor), but for Valentine's Day, we left a note and a bone for June. This started a flirtatious love affair but then June moved away. We still occasionally ask Winston if he misses June and he probably does, but you can never be too sure with men.

Is this weird?

Sunday, July 26, 2015

I Watched #IAmCait So You Didn't Have To

"I am Cait, you are Cait, we are Cait." -Augusta

After 368 years of anticipation, I Am Cait is premiering on E! Six people are in Augusta's apartment watching it. We are mainly quiet but also kind of loud, so if I don't get everything right, sue them, not me.

The show starts out showing Caitlyn seeing her Vanity Fair cover on the news for the first time. Her voice is the same as Bruce's and honestly, that's the hardest part of all of this.

"I love how they can't even change the font from the Kardashian font." -Katie's in-depth thoughts.

Caitlyn's mom and sister, Esther and Pam are about to meet Caitlyn for the first time. This is awkward to meet her for the first time on TV but it's E! so what do you expect.

"Mom's having a hard time." -Augusta

All of a sudden though, it's more than just Esther and Pam and it's all these old white women and they are meeting Caitlyn for the first time. I don't know who all these old white women are, but I would be there too because 15 minutes of fame is fun.

"She's so relaxed and so happy." -Pam, talking about Caitlyn.

Kassidy thinks Caitlyn's makeup looks good and if Kassidy compliments someone's makeup then it's basically like the Pope saying you are a good person.

"I feel like that makeup is... what is the word, frosty?" -Augusta, who apparently disagrees with Kassidy.

Now Caitlyn is talking about how she decided on the name Caitlyn, which is awkward because that's Brody's girlfriend's name. Brody is Caitlyn's son. That is awkward. Right? Like imagine if your dad became a woman and renamed herself and it was your girlfriend's name. That would be weird. Ok bye.

Just kidding, I have more to say.

While Caitlyn and Pam and Esther are discussing how she chose her name, Kylie calls Caitlyn and because she is a Baby Boomer, she doesn't realize she's on FaceTime. Kylie is high because she just got home from the dentist and it's like oh is that why?????

What if Kylie was just high and decided to call her dad and she blamed it on the dentist like lol k.

All of this talk about becoming a woman reminds me that someone called me curvaceous Friday night and I'm still not over it. I can't wait until the day someone calls Caitlyn curvaceous and she has to deal with that.

Thoughts for that.

Caitlyn and Esther are talking to a transgender counselor and then Esther decides to ask her about the Bible verse that says men shouldn't dress as women and it's like why tf do you think this trans counselor knows anything about the Bible??????? and I'm sorry Esther, but is Caitlyn a Christian???


Now it is showing Caitlyn playing tennis with Pam and she's wearing a tennis skirt and now I want a tennis skirt.


Now Kylie is over and she makes me really uncomfortable for some reason and I don't know why. Her lips look good in pictures but not in real life and that's why this is so hard.

"I def take the Jenner side." -Kylie, after receiving a picture of Esther when she was 17.

Kylie is literally the opposite of Jenner she is full-blown Kardashian. Like, look at this pic.

Now to make this whole thing more Kardashian, Kylie is putting her line of extensions in Caitlyn and it's like ok, we get it. Product placement will never not be a thing with the Kardashian Klan.

Now we are back to Caitlyn and Esther talking and Esther says, "This is not easy."

"In what aspect is it not easy?" -Caitlyn


Caitlyn and Esther are discussing their problems in the past and how Bruce would isolate himself because he felt he never fit in.

"I love bruce. That will never change. I want to do what he wants." -Esther, having trouble with pronouns.

Caitlyn is talking about her suicidal thoughts and it's sad.



"That was the best part of the whole show. The season can end now." -Augusta after Kanye talking.

But the best part literally comes when some old woman, it could be Pam, idfk, starts talking to Kanye and she says, "Explain the no-shoelaces look" to Kanye.

This is literally the first time she's ever seen a black person. Why is your skin so dark? What is rapping? How is Africa? Can you clean my house? -Pam in her head, probably.

Now Kim and Caitlyn are in the closet, lol help, and are going through Caitlyn's new wardrobe and they come up with a brilliant plan. They are saying how Caitlyn should show up wearing the same dress as Kris Jenner and not only is that not funny from just being a woman perspective but considering Kris was once married to a man who is now a woman, that is really the opposite of funny.

Now Caitlyn is walking down a staircase and Lane says, "She looks like the lead singer of Aerosmith." Everyone laughs.

Caitlyn has a side part and everyone in the room agrees that she looks better with a side part and Katie specifically asked me to include that in this blog, so here.

NOW HERE IS THE BEST PART OF THE WHOLE SHOW: previews for the rest of the season: a woman asks Caitlyn out on a date (??????????????), Khloe is mad about the Vanity Fair article, and Kim says you don't have to bash us and it's like oh?????????

update, NONE OF US READ THE VANITY FAIR ARTICLE. SOS, so we have no idea what that part is about.

I thought this episode/show was really boring, but maybe I was just expecting more.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Your Guide to the Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj Twitter Feud

Twitter feuds are hard.

You have to constantly refresh your Twitter feed because you never know when someone is going to tweet something and then delete it.

A few days ago, Nicki Minaj tweeted how she was upset that her music video for Anaconda wasn't nominated for VMAs Video of the Year.

First, wut. I didn't know people actually cared about the VMAs besides parents who are always offended by it.

Well apparently Nicki was pi$$ed and decided to tweet a bunch of tweets, including this one.
Background info: The nominees in the Video of the Year category are Ed Sheeran, Kendrick Lamar, Bruno Mars, Beyonce and Taylor Swift.


Yes, Taylor Swift. It does not take the chess team of Yale University to figure this out.

Taylor sees this tweet, or someone told her about it, and tweets this:
Background info: Taylor rarely, rarely tweets anything negative and so when she does, the world literally stops turning.

Nicki is all, I don't know what you are talking about, I never said your name.

Subtweeting is hard.

Then Taylor tweeted this but it doesn't show up on her Twitter feed, but it's obvs her????
Then, days later, Katy Perry pops out of a cupcake somewhere in Tokyo probably and tweets this:
Background info: Taylor Swift's 'Bad Blood' is supposedly about Katy Perry because Katy Perry supposedly took a bunch of Taylor's backup dancers from her right in the middle of Taylor's world tour, Red.

For Taylor to be like, 'It's unlike you to pit women against one another,' when she has a song like Bad Blood out, really pissed Katy Perry off, I guess.

Then Buzzfeed tweeted this because Katy Perry never graduated high school:
THEN, THEN, Camilla Belle is somewhere, wondering if anyone even remembers her and retweets Katy Perry and then tweets this.
Background info: Taylor Swift wrote the song 'Better Than Revenge' and it's supposedly about Camilla Belle and how she "stole" Joe Jonas from Tay.

lol k i remember the first time i was in luv with a Jonas brother.

This song is a lot of like "Misery Business" by Paramore but with way more harsh lyrics, including "She's no saint and she's not what you think, she's an actress. Whoa. She's better known for the things that she does on the mattress, whoa."

And at the end of the song, Taylor sings, "Show me how much better you are," which is important because the Jonas Brothers have a song called "Much Better" where they sing about a certain someone and her teardrops on her guitar.

Listen to this song because it still amazes me that Taylor is friends with Nick and lets Joe Jonas on a boat with her.

calvin needs to hit joe.

i hate myself slash love myself for knowing this much info.

To be fair: Taylor has said she was 17 when she wrote 'Better Than Revenge,' when you still think a girl can steal your boyfriend.

Anyway, Tay apologized.

Nicki accepted her apology.
And then Nicki tweeted this, which is like??????????????
thoughts??????? give 'em to me.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

My Very Informative Movie Review of Amy

I have seen three movies in the past week and it's weird. I don't like movies. My favorite movie is the remake of Footloose. Like, my taste in movies are bad and no one should ever take my opinion on movies seriously.

With that said, here is what I thought of each of the movies I saw this week.

Trainwreck wasn't good but everyone disagrees with me, so am I an idiot, was I awake during the movie, is there another Trainwreck in theaters right now, did Amy Schumer hypnotize everyone, is Bill Hader funny when he's not Stefon.

Then I saw Love and Mercy with my father, which is about Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys and it was ok. Brian Wilson heard voices in his head and during the entire movie, I kept wondering if I do too hear voices in my head or if that's just me thinking???? Like, shouldn't I be a genius if I hear voices in my head like Brian????? Is this blog my Good Vibrations????

Then, finally, to drive it all home or something, I saw Amy, which is a documentary about Amy Winehouse and spoiler alert, she dies.

My knowledge of Amy Winehouse before seeing the movie:
  • She sang that song about not going to rehab
  • She did drugs
  • She died

My knowledge of Amy Winehouse after seeing the movie:
  • She sang that song about not going to rehab
  • She did drugs
  • She died

Idk about you, but when I do become famous and someone wants to make a documentary on me, they are going to have zero videotapes to work with and that's why I can never become famous. I have the talent and the good looks and the charisma, I just don't have home videos of me growing up to make a successful documentary, so that's why I'm not pursuing stardom.

Is anyone still reading this blog. help.

ANYWAY, Amy Winehouse had several home videos of her and her friends and her singing and doing girl stuff, etc.

The whole time, the documentary is showing her rise to fame without really explaining how she rose to fame. Like, it was obvs because she was a singer, but it just kind of happened so suddenly.

Anyway, it shows her up and down relationship with Blake, who she dated, then they broke up, then they dated, and then they got married, blah blah blah, I remember my first relationship.

I had a miniature crush on Blake in the movie, but that's not my fault. He was skinny and homely looking.

someone pls help me.

But Blake is the villain of the documentary because he introduced Amy to crack cocaine. She starts doing that and spoiler alert, crack cocaine is not good for you. Then the parents speak briefly on her eating disorder, but were just like, yeah, she said she threw up her food but we didn't think much of it.


Anyway, Amy gets sober for the Grammys because someone in her posse made her sign a contract promising she would be sober for the Grammys.

The documentary shows her accepting the Grammy for Record of the Year and not when she won Best New Artist over Taylor Swift.

Things that keep my up at night:
  • Do I like Erin Andrews or do I not like Erin Andrews
  • Remember when Kelly Ripa and Clay Aiken got into a feud?
  • Can dogs have crushes on humans?
  • There was a time when I could fit my entire body through a hanger.
  • I can't believe Amy Winehouse won Best New Artist over Taylor Swift in the 2008 Grammy Awards and then showed her appreciation by dying.
2008 was a tough year for everyone ok.

Thank God they didn't show that part because Lawd knows there would have been a riot. From me. Just from me. Because literally no one else cares.

Ok, moving on. So after the Grammys, Amy starts doing drugs again and at this point, I'm certain the movie is never going to end. I begin to plan my move into the theater. I can live off sausage and margaritas, I think.

They show a clip of her at one of her concerts where she can't even stand because she is so wasted. It's sad.

Then later she starts doing heroin and they show pictures she took of herself on her computer and they are gross and bad and they hurt. It's painful. It's the first time I feel for her in the entire movie.

I'm not sure what happened after all of this. Her best friend from childhood said she got a phone call from Amy and Amy was sober and happy and apologizing for being on drugs so much. Her friend was like yay, ok. Amy said, I will call you tomorrow.

And then she didn't.

She died. She entered the 27 Club.

The end.

No, like, seriously the movie ended as soon as she died.

They showed her body being carried to a car (covered of course) and everyone was sad. I was sad.

May you RIP, Amy.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

19 Kids and Counting has been canceled, hold your tears


It's a very sad day in the Skinner household. And by that I mean, my father and mother are probably ecstatic I will no longer go to their house to watch 19 Kids and Counting because it is by far the worst show on television.

Yes, TLC has officially canceled the show, according to every media outlet in the Northern Hemisphere.

Why, you may ask.

You see, children, Josh Duggar, the eldest son of the 19 kids, used to molest his sisters and babysitter. We know this because the Holy Grail of horrible magazines, InTouch Weekly, found some court documents and exposed the truth.

r u uncomfortable.

Why is this bad, you may ask.

Well, not only did he molest his sisters and babysitter, but the Duggars are very, very, very well-known for being perfect. And by very, very, very well-known, I mean that's all they are known for.

It just kind of rubs people the wrong way when the Duggars are out campaigning to stop same-sex marriages and they have this huge secret.

People just don't like that.

Americans like honesty. They like flaws.

If the Duggars had come out and told this story before InTouch did, it would just be different.

What does this all mean, you may ask.

Well, for the Duggars- they will most likely continue to live their life in their huge mansion of a house and pushing for each child to get married ASAP so they can move out. There are still 16 kids living in the house, including Josie, who is the actual worst, and Jana, who hates her life.

For you- this means no more show.

For the blog- this means kill me because I have an entire label dedicated to the horribleness of the Duggars.

What show should I watch to fill the void, you may ask.

Catfish on MTV is effing hilarious. It's where these idiots fall in love with people over the Internet and then go to meet them in real life. Most of the time, it's a 55-year-old man pretending to be a 19-year-old hot chick and then the guy who fell in love is seriously p-i-s-s-e-d. But on one episode, the 18-year-old boy flies to Cali from Texas to discover the hot wrestling chick is really the hot wrestling chick she claimed to be. But then she meets him and is like, eh, I wanna be friends. Oh, man. So funny. Sry.

Will I ever see the Duggars again, you may ask.

Yes, in the Duggars' statement, they said something about a documentary etc etc etc. I don't know what that means. They will most likely sit down with Larry King and have a formal sit-down interview and hopefully it goes better than the one they did with Megyn Kelly because that was a trainwreck, and not the good kind of trainwreck with Amy Schumer. Oh, man, that joke was funny. Hold your applause.

And then if I had to really guess and bet on something, I would bet that the girls get their own show. Jessa, Jill, Jana, and Jinger. Two are married and the other two are pathetic and lonely sans men.

But what do you think, PMS, you may ask.

Listen, I'm sad I will no longer be able to blog about the show, but it really was the worst show on television. Michelle Duggar and her soft voice was annoying AF and Jim Bob was creepy AF. And the fact that the girls couldn't show their knees but could wear more makeup than a transsexual, just kind of blew my mind. AND JOSIE. God, the youngest of the kids was such an attention whore. Like, one episode she had a seizure and everyone freaked out and I was like omg, let's get back to the older girls teaching us how to make pickles because that's the interesting stuff.

Thoughts? Tell me. I'm sure you will. Click on the "duggars" category to your right for all the Duggar-related posts.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Simple Steps For Baking A Potato With PMS

I don't cook. It's exhausting. I cooked my first real meal a few weeks ago and if you were wondering how old I am, I'm 24 and life is very hard.

I got my cooking genes from my mother. Anytime my father was out of town and my mother and I were left to cook for ourselves, we often ate ice cream or cereal for dinner help.


Skinner women like birthday cake made by ICE Daddy.

But last night, I attempted to bake a potato. It's also important to note that I was saying that I attempted to bake a baked potato and then someone pointed something out to me.


Simple steps, here we go:

step one Have Kassidy throw away all of your potatoes but one because they had all gone bad. You don't know what a bad potato looks like, so you trust her.

step two Ask Kassidy if you need to wash it before cooking it.

step three Wash it by running it under hot water in the sink. Attempt to scrub off a sprout but don't try too hard.

step four Wrap it in foil

step five Set the oven to 400 degrees

step six Realize Kassidy has some egg white muffins things in the oven and you just screwed up the temperature of that.

step seven Apologize and giggle

step eight Set the potato down and go back to your computer

step nine Have Kassidy yell at you because you didn't poke holes in the foil-wrapped potato. Tell her your father never did that to your potatoes growing up, so you don't trust it.

step 10 Give it and let Kassidy poke holes in it.

step 11 Have Kassidy tell you her food is done and put your potato in the oven

step 12 Set oven to 400 degrees

step 13 Tweet and ask people how long to bake it for

step 14 Have a stranger tweet you with instructions

step 15 Have your dad tweet you

step 16 Realize you've disappointed your parents and try to think of the things you are capable of doing on your own.

step 17 Realize you are a pretty good live tweeter of reality shows. Wonder if that will provide for a family one day

step 18 Lie to Kassidy and tell her it will only take 45 minutes

step 19 After 45 minutes, tell Kassidy you lied and it will be another 15 minutes

step 20 Take out the potato

step 21 open (?) the potato and realize how undone it is. Giggle to yourself.

step 22 Put it in the microwave for one minute

step 23 Go to the bathroom while the potato is in the microwave

step 24 Keep it in the microwave for another two minutes

step 25 Practice your model walks while potato is in microwave

tay is a model. gtfo.

step 26 Take it out

step 27 Realize it's still not done

step 28 Throw it away because you hate yourself and America

step 29 Go to KFC and order the KFC bowl and wonder why people even cook ever.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Ariana Grande Licks Donuts and I Dislike Her A Lot

Ariana Grande.


What are you even doing.

Sit down.

Listen, I get it. When I see donuts, my tongue rarely stays in my mouth.

But what. What.

I remember the first time my back-up dancer boyfriend asked me to do something stupid in public and I did it.

But, like, I've grown up and moved on. And you should, too.


No one and I mean no one just thinks of you as Big Sean's ex-girlfriend, so your little post on Twitter was kind of dumb.

When I think of you, I think of...

  • A former Nickelodeon star
  • Someone who feuded with Jennette McCurdy (I think that's her name but I'm too lazy to fact check for this dumb blog)
  • A person who likes for people to carry her around (google it)
  • A pop singer who wears bunny ears
  • Someone my dad described as a "pedophile's dream because she looks 12 but is actually legal."
  • This picture

  • And finally, maybe if I'm all out of options, I think about the time you dated Big Sean but then I'm like, who is Big Sean.

Also, your apology about the donuts. LOL. Quit everything and hire me as your publicist because I remember the first time I was an idiot.

Childhood obesity??????????????????????????????????????????????



Who are you. Where am I.


What Ariana should have done: Apologize by actually saying the words "I'm sorry" and then give $10,000 to the donut shop because you, my friend, are a filthy animal who thinks it's ok to lick other people's donuts.


Now I hear that the donut-licking ordeal is being investigated???? Like by the FBI???? Which is like?????

If you ever touch one of my donuts, there will be a lot more hateful blog posts.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

I had the scariest case of sleep paralysis ever

S L E E P  P A R A L Y S I S  is scary.

I had the worst case of sleep paralysis today and I want everyone to hear about it and sympathize with me and then call 911 for someone to save me.

Definition: "Sleep paralysis is a phenomenon in which a person, either falling asleep or awakening, temporary awakening, temporarily experiences an inability to move, speak, or react. It is a transitional state between wakefulness and sleep, characterized by complete muscle (muscle weakness). It is often accompanied by terrifying hallucination (such as an intruder in the room) to which one is unable to react due to paralysis, and physical experiences (such as strong current running through the upper body)."

Setting: My sister's apartment because Kassidy and I were doing laundry.

The day started with us lying on the couch. We finally decided on something to watch on Netflix.


I was falling asleep but it was hotter than balls in the living room. Halfway through my nap, I got up and headed to the bedroom to lay on the bed.

I laid face down with my arms underneath my body and legs.

My sister's cat jumped on top of the bed and started walking on me.

That's the last thing I remember until my sleep paralysis experience.

At one point, I guess my mind woke up but my body couldn't????? I just remember not being able to move. I could move my legs from my knee down but nothing else. I couldn't make any noise.

I heard Kassidy come out of the bathroom and thought she might see me.

She did but didn't want to wake me up, so she kept moving.

My mind felt awake at this point but I couldn't get anything to move. I started to try to make noises.

I thought I was yelling KASSIDY or HELP but in reality, I'm just making stretching noises.

Kassidy heard me but thought it was just the cat meowing or me just being really effing weird.

I then started to hit the bed with the bottom of the leg, hoping that will make enough of a sound for Kassidy to come and get me.

Nothing is working.

I keep trying to yell something but nothing is coming out.

At this point, I am confident I am dead. I start to think/dream that Kassidy left me and my body would never wake up.

Then I decided to give up. I've experienced sleep paralysis before but not like this. I figured if I just sleep through it, maybe I would feel better.

In a few minutes, I somehow mustered up enough strength to wake up. I got up and walked straight to the living room. I stood and stared at Kassidy.

This is her thought process of the moment:
Scott Disick is a jerk. Who even is Chloe... Oh god. Why is she yelling? Her face looks grey. Those dark circles could use some concealer. Is she sleep walking? Check her hands. Does she have anything sharp? No. Good. My God she is a weird color. I'm scared. Sit down. But not too close. Oh. That wasn't the cat? Shit. Sorry.
It took me about five minutes to wrap my head around what had happened. It was terrifying.

Possible Causes:

  • The cat walked on my back before falling asleep
  • I had fallen asleep to a documentary about skinny Russian models
  • I drank Coca-Cola with my lunch instead of Dr Pepper

Yeah, it was the Coke. I'm suing.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

I hate the Fourth of July

The Fourth of July is my second least favorite holiday.

Favorite holidays:
1. Christmas
2. My birthday
3. Chris Kyle Day (even though it's a made-up holiday by Hallmark to sell Chris Kyle greeting cards)

Least favorite holidays:
1. New Years Eve (no one cares about your resolutions, sales clerk at Macys)
2. Fourth of July (can we just stay inside)
3. Spring Break (it's college. every week is an excuse to get drunk in your swimsuit)

I just do not understand the fascination with the Fourth of July.

Hotdogs. Cool. I go to Sonic every other week and have one.

Fireworks. You're 25 years old. They are fireworks. They are multicolored. There will be a finale. We get it.

Outside. It's Texas. I am so hot.

American pride. You literally think America is the greatest country in the world where there is literally no evidence to back this up.

I hate that everyone puts so much pressure on this weekend when it's like we are young, we are beautiful, I don't need a made-up holiday like Independence Day to celebrate.

*can't find a Carrie Underwood gif to go along with this part of the blog*

With all that said, I bought a new dress for the occasion. Sorry.

And with that also said, Martina McBride's Independence Day will be on loop the entire weekend because lol.

This is the world's shortest post. Bye.