Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Tales of Winston The Dog

People often ask me what I do all day. You see, people think if you work from home you drink beer all day and throw parties with strippers. When in reality, I write and then when writer's block hits me, I vacuum, watch makeup tutorials, and talk to Winston.

Winston Marie Ketron is Kassidy's dog. Because Kassidy is my roommate, I spend a lot of time with Winston. A LOT of time. So much time I gave him the middle name Marie because everyone just assumes my middle name is Marie, so I thought someone should have it.

kassidy and winston marie.

Winston could be your average dog, I don't know. I didn't grow up with animals. So Winston is my test dog and I test new things on him every day.

We oftentimes call Winston stupid, but we realized he just looks stupid. He has a lazy eye that makes it very difficult to take him seriously. But he's not actually stupid because he knows a ton of words and their meanings. For example, he knows: sit, off, move, shake, other paw, potty, do-do, car ride, hungry, no, stop, lay down, why is your wiener out, go, shower, and Baby Dex. You see, he's smart.

But just because he's smart doesn't mean he's not annoying. Very annoying. And I hate using the word "very" so you know I'm being very serious right now. When you spend all day working from home, sometimes you just want to go to the bathroom and not have Winston staring at you. Sometimes you just want to watch Sex and the City without Winston's face on your stomach. Sometimes you just want to have a male over and not have Winston step on his nether regions and embarrass you. I have dreams like I'm sure all of you do. But mine are simple.

Sleeping with him
I was going to name an entire blog "What it's like to sleep with a black male" and write about when Winston sleeps in my bed. I ran that title by three white males and two said, "Yes, that's so funny!" and one said no. (One of the men who said yes looks like the love child of Justin Bieber and Harry Styles and that is not important to this story but here we are.) I went with the one who said no because I'm apparently chicken. But sleeping with Winston in my bed is the worst. Dogs don't sleep through the night and Winston is no exception. He also does this thing where he puts his head between my head and shoulder and just sits there. And breathes. And licks his nose so I can smell his breath. And hear his tongue. And then when he's not doing that, he will jump down from the bed. But when he decides he wants back up, he just jumps up. There's no warning. Why would there be a warning. He just jumps up and scares me. To death. Well scares me awake.

winston between head and shoulder.

how he looks at me when i wake up.

Sometimes he knows what I drive
This is the part where it's hard to tell if Winston is smart or not. Every time I go to get lunch through a drive-through, I take Winston with me. I'm a nice person, you could say. I announce "car ride" and he gets really excited and it's fun, we have fun, I'm the cool babysitter. I don't use a leash or anything because we are both grown adults and so he just wanders out to the parking lot. Sometimes he goes straight to my car and I'm amazed. "Wow, he knows what I drive!" and sometimes he goes straight to the monster truck and just stands by the passenger side, waiting for me to open the door. I'm like oh, I guess those 30 trips to Whataburger in my Mazda slipped through your doggie brain because now you think I drive a monster truck.

winston in car.

He's scared of strange things
Winston being scared of the vacuum is kind of predictable but when he jumped when I moved my computer charger, I was like ok, maybe you need to grow up. But what he's not scared of are the painters working on the outside of my apartment. He loves those guys. He walks up to those guys. He talks to those guys. He is one of the guys.

He calls me Miss Paige
Do you know how I know this? Because I talk for Winston. Winston and I have conversations. He talks kind of like an old Southern woman and he calls me Miss Paige because he's proper. He's a proper sir. I wish I could properly convey how Winston talks in a blog post, but I can't. You have to hear it to believe it. Kassidy and I will spend minutes upon minutes just talking to each other but through Winston. I'm sorry. It's tragic.

He does this weird yawning thing
Sometimes when he's excited, he yawns audibly and it's the strangest sound in the world. It's like he's trying to talk but when he opens his mouth, a yawn just comes out. He does it a lot when Kassidy gets home from work because he's excited. But he always, ALWAYS, does it right before she feeds him. I don't wake up in the morning from Kassidy getting ready and turning on the blender and showering and talking on the phone and singing Disney songs, but I wake up when Winston audibly yawns before she feeds him. It's annoying, but you can't really be that mad because I make a similar sound when the hibachi chef lights the grill on fire and I'm excited for my food.

He's apathetic
Sometimes I put things on him and he doesn't move. It's like he might care but he doesn't do anything about it. It's like he's thinking about if he should care but by time he decides, it's already over. It's like me and politics. Do I care, Do I care, oh the election date passed, oops. That's Winston when I put jackets and material on him.

Mennonite Winston Marie

He's not impressed with my naked body
When I take a shower, which is every day thank you, Winston lays in the hallway and waits for me. But as soon as I close the shower curtain, he takes off. I know this because about two minutes into my shower, I peek to see if he is there and he never is. I don't know where he goes during this time, but by the time my shower is over, he's back laying on the floor, staring at me. And his stare, omg. It's evil. I pull the shower curtain back and he is just looking at me with the most unimpressed face in the world.

He had a Valentine
Winston had a Valentine. I don't know what it was. Possibly Kassidy and I were just bored with our love lives, so we decided it would be a good idea to orchestrate Winston's love life, but at some point, we decided Winston was going to date the lab across the hall, June. It might have started because June's dad is attractive and we wanted a way to talk to him (not Hot Neighbor, another hot neighbor), but for Valentine's Day, we left a note and a bone for June. This started a flirtatious love affair but then June moved away. We still occasionally ask Winston if he misses June and he probably does, but you can never be too sure with men.

Is this weird?

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