Tuesday, August 25, 2015

No one wants to go to the pool, Augusta

It's 118 degrees Celsius, not a mistake, in Las Vegas and Augusta wants to go to the swimming pool.

Let's rephrase that: Augusta wants to get in a swimsuit and head to the pool and drink a fruity cocktail outside, in the actual outdoors, next to other Vegas vacationers, who could double as tan and toned models.

I refuse to let that happen. One, because outside is hard. Two, swimsuits are no.

Here's how you successfully convince your body-confident friend to not to go to the pool.

Step 1 Don't even pack a swimsuit. 
Tell her you forgot your swimsuit because you didn't know Las Vegas had pools. You heard swimming had been outlawed like dancing had been in the town of Footloose. Tell her you haven't worn a swimsuit since you were 9 years old and it was a bandana top swimsuit and it doesn't fit you anymore.

Step 2 Run out of time
Between naps and drinking inside and peeing, there simply is not enough time in the day to go to a pool.

Step 3 Go to brunch
This step is key because you need to fatten up your friend. Right now she is looking forward to going to the pool and showing her actual stomach and thighs. You need to put an end to that. Take her to a buffet. Let her eat pastries and mashed potatoes and bacon. Tell the waiter to keep filling up her mimosas. Watch her bloat.

Step 4 Talk about your body insecurities
If she hears everyone else mentioning their insecurities with their body, she will begin to think about hers, too. Soon the idea of getting into a bikini will make her sick.

Step 5 Take her to the best Walgreens on earth and watch her snack
It's the best Walgreens you've ever seen. There is everything: alcohol and sandwiches and nail polish and chips and skinny women and hot men. Suggest she spend her gambling earnings on those cheddar and sour cream chips. Now watch her snack.

Step 6 Go to the casino
Find the Sex and the City slot machine to entertain your basic, white friend. Find the Bridesmaids one, too. Heck, sit her down and teach her how to play roulette. Tell her to get $100 out of the ATM. Order her a bloody mary. Watch her gambling addiction come to life.

Step 7 Four hours later, go back to the hotel
She still wants to go to the pool but tell her it's time for dinner.

Step 8 Run into a pool-defeated woman in the elevator
Casually mention how we aren't going to the pool while stranger is in the elevator. That woman will say what a good idea that is because the outdoors are hot and swimming is hard and swimsuits are harder.

Step 9 Yay
Congratulate yourself and your friends because you just avoided a crowded, hot pool in Vegas.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

I Convinced a Man in Vegas I Was Pregnant and I Got Actual Parenting Advice

My four friends and I are drunk in a casino in Las Vegas, Nevada. We just saw a man strip down naked in a bar. We are hungry. HANGRY.

We walk into Emeril and sit down. Augusta yells, "OH SHIT. There's mac and cheese on the menu. It's a game changer."

The woman at the table next to us laughs, so we make friends with her because there's nothing more my friends love than someone laughing at us and also attention. She and her man-toy (her words not mine) ask us why we are in Vegas.


Because my friends and I are completely messed up in the head, we say we are in Vegas for a gender reveal party because I am pregnant.

I have a beer in front of me.

I have a beer in front of me. 


Side note: My friends and I spend a majority of our time making fun of gender reveal parties and coming up with insane gender reveal party ideas.

  • 5K color run where you have to run and pay money and at the end, there will either be pink or blue powder thrown in your face. All proceeds go to the baby.
  • Not having a gender reveal party and finding out for yourself and not inviting anyone over to find out the sex of your baby because other people have lives outside of yours. imsosorrykindof.

We say, "Pink shots for a girl and blue shots for a boy."

What. Is. The. Actual. Matter. With. Us. 

I see the couple's faces. They don't even look fazed. I'm not sure they correctly heard us. I'm not sure if they see the beer in front of me. I see their eyes start to believe the story.

We are finishing dinner and the man comes over to us. He kneels down. I am in a food coma and do not feel like entertaining this 55-year-old male.

He begins to tell a story. I know this because his lips are moving but I don't hear any words. He has the quietest voice. He is whispering. I am lip-reading. We are in Las Vegas, Nevada, America in a casino restaurant and this man is whispering a story to a table of THE five most annoying white girls. He is speaking and pointing at me. I hear something about his 25-year-old son.

Omg where is he, I'm thinking. Someone has a crush on me. This is exciting. Why me. He chose me out of all of us. Bring him out. Why are you hiding him.

I am lost in my thoughts about a Vegas romance with a stranger. I suddenly realize there is no 25-year-old but I cannot for the life of me hear what this man is saying because he is so quiet. He continues to look at me. Cayla and Augusta are nodding to everything he is saying and fake laughing.

We are two minutes into the story, when I realize he is giving me parenting advice. A stranger is giving me parenting advice because he really thinks I'm pregnant. He really believes we are here for a gender reveal party. He thinks I'm capable of being a mother to an actual living child flesh human.

There is a beer sitting in front of me as he gives me parenting advice.

I am trying to listen to the story closely so I know when to laugh and nod and groan. All I can make out is something about splashing his childson with water when he misbehaved so water boarding is real, everyone, and this man is suggesting to my actual face that I do it to my future fake kid who he thinks I am pregnant with.

There is still a beer sitting in front of me as he gives me parenting advice. 

The story is going on and on. He is mentioning a waitress and a mall and I am so lost with what's going on. I look around for a cop or magician or Criss Angel or someone who can make this man disappear. I cannot hear anything.

I begin to worry that my bullshitting has gone on too long.

Do I have a problem with lying? I've told everyone on this trip that my name is Ashley Madison. Should we (I) tell this man I'm not really pregnant? That would break his heart. I have a beer in front of me. What actual pregnant woman comes to Vegas.

He is turning around to look at his mistress (we assume). I quickly push the beer in front of Cayla's plate, so I don't break this man's damn heart. This is Vegas. No one has time for a broken heart especially a man who offers up unsolicited parental advice. He asks us if we drove or flew from Dallas. We say flew. Can pregnant women fly? Or is all the pregnant juice over the 3-ounce limit? A beer and flying would surely kill a baby. Why is this man believing anything that comes out of any of our mouths? My friend Augusta is wearing an A$AP Rocky shirt, good god. 

He is leaving. He is looking at me again. I am scared but he is confident. Why can't he direct his stare to anyone else. Why was I the chosen fake pregnant woman for this running gag among my friends. He looks me dead in the eye and says, "Remember me and this advice in two years."

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Let's rename this the Josh Duggar scandal blog

I am exhausted. I'm typing this with my eyes closed while underneath my white comforter with a new spray tan fresh on my body and I'm falling asleep.



I woke up today and took a shower and immediately needed a nap. I then went to Chipotle and ate three tacos and came back home and napped (Yes, I ate Chipotle before getting naked for a stranger to spray tan me, it's sad). I rearranged plans with a guy tonight because I remembered I had to see a friend.


Ok, well Josh Duggar does not have 45 kids. He has five or six, I cannot remember. He also has a wife who wears long jeans skirts and who stuck by her husband when the world found out he molested his sisters when he was 14.

After the Ashley Madison (a website where the married folks can have an affair with other married folks) hack, some Gawker writer found Josh Duggar's account. It's Josh because the address matches up and why would we think it's not. And if you Google search the email he used for his Ashley Madison, an OKCupid account comes up and it's like LOL wut.

The picture he uses for the OKCupid account is not him but it's a picture that comes up if you Google search "random guy on Facebook." LISTEN, no one said Josh Duggar was smart, ok.

It's all very rough. It's all very sad. I'm indifferent on hacking and leaking and all that stuff because people should know by now that nothing is safe and nothing is anonymous so literally stop thinking you are above the Internet. And when you put your life on TV for America to sit and watch you talk about how Godly you are, you are setting yourself up.

"It's just sad he has to go through this in public," ~ a friend

NO. YOU KNOW WHAT'S SAD. WATCHING THE SHOW 19 KIDS AND COUNTING THAT'S SAD. I have spent countless hours watching Josh Duggar grow up, court his now-wife Anna, not hold her hand, get married, hold her hand, then watch him hold her hand while she gave birth in a swimming pool, name their kids M names, and then have his parents talk to Megyn Kelly because he molested his baby sisters when he was 14. YOU DO NOT SIGN UP FOR A REALITY TV SHOW PROGRAMMING AND PREACH HOW BAD THE GAYS ARE WHEN YOU HAVE AN ASHLEY MADISON ACCOUNT THE WHOLE TIME. IF YOU WANTED A PRIVATE LIFE, THEN SORRY BUSTER BECAUSE THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR.

water births seem easier and better tbchwu

I realize this is America and I have a choice with what I watch on TV but sometimes there are television programs that are so bad, it's like you can't look away. That's the Duggars.

I didn't choose the Duggar life, the Duggar life chose me ~Josie Duggar somewhere probably.

While my friend thinks it's sad that he has to go through this in public, I think it's sad that in his Ashley Madison profile he listed that he's interested in a lady who wears jeans and a t-shirt and he knows his wife will never be able to provide that because she's only allowed to wear jean skirts.


Listen, I'm glad there are people out there who have the time for affairs. I'm glad there are people who don't need to lay down for a nap every three hours. That's great.

I cannot wait to read your statement, Joshua.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

To people who enjoy summer: No.

You are wrong.

You are not right.

How dare you think something that I don't agree with.

Summer is the worst and I have years of experience and evidence to prove it.

First, how dare you cute little Asian girl at Target who looks good in shorts.
I see you and your cool Asian boyfriend and yes, I'm offended. No one looks good in shorts and that's why summertime was created by Satan. The fact that you come strolling in to Target with shorts and a T-shirt on is disrespectful to me and America and I do not stand for that, ma'am. You can stay at home and look good in your blue jean shorts, but I will not be forced to see your tiny legs being thrown in my face.

Secondly, I cry every time I leave the house.
It's not fun. Even just walking from my apartment to my car is an act of God and something the United Nations should look into rewarding me for. As I'm walking, I'm crying and I look like I'm in a bad episode of the Bachelor, but instead of going home, I'm just going to get Taco Bueno in the hot heat. The heat is hot.

Don't even get me started on the ocean or the swimming pool.
But now that you have, no. Beaches are made for crabs and that's it. And swimming pools belong to people who enjoy skin cancer. I don't enjoy that. I take cancer very seriously and Chris Kyle did not fight for my rights to bake by a pool while watching a bunch of undergrads play Marco Polo or something. Or that other game. Chicken? I think it's Chicken. Children.

The sweat going down my back and butt makes me feel gross.
You know the feeling. Do not sit there and read this and pretend you've never been outside flirting with some guy when all of a sudden you feel sweat going down your back and then on to your butt. The terrorists are winning every time you feel that.

I should not have to celebrate when the temperature goes down to 96 degrees. That should not be a cold front. Whoever invented global warming, I'm looking at you, Al Gore, should be put away in a hot jail because now I'm mad.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Life Stages Told Through Britney Spears

In a few weeks, I'll be in Las Vegas with a bunch of girlfriends to see the original queen herself Britney "It's Britney, Bitch" Spears perform at her Vegas residency.

In honor of all that is ignorant, I'm explaining life stages in the form of Britney's life and career moves.

When she cheated on Justin Timberlake with a choreographer
We've all been there and Britney Freakin Spears paved the golden way. Show me a beautiful man (Justin Timberlake) and I'll show you a woman who doesn't want him (Britney Spears). For some reason, unknown to God and everyone, Britney decided that JT was too perfect and she should cheat on him with Wade, the choreographer. This is similar to your life, when you decide that the nice guy who opens your car door is boring and too available, so you go after some bass player who admires Amy Winehouse.

Crying to Diane Sawyer
You realize you've made a mistake, so you cry to your best friend and let her stare at you in judgment and ask insulting questions. Britney was the poster child for "white girl crying on TV about a boy" when she sobbed to Diane Sawyer and all of America watched. It was tough for all of us, Brit, but probably toughest for you.

"Boys" featuring Pharrell is an excellent song and the fact it didn't win six Grammys is a hate crime. This song represents freshman year of college when you first walk on to campus during orientation and see more college-aged men than there are fish in the actual sea. You can't believe what all you're seeing and you just go with it. You just go with it.

"Oops I Did It Again"
There's a time in everyone's young life when you straddle the line between being just nice and being too flirty. And Britney did it best because she literally sang a song about teasing a boy and then there was something about an astronaut diving in the sea and getting the diamond for her, or something. I don't know. But we've all been there.

"Slave 4 U"
How many times have you felt so good and looked so good and smelled so good that you decided to wear a thong over your jeans? This song represents everything good about you. It's when you are feeling really hot and want to go out and have the best time and dance so much you go home sweaty. You wear your thong over your jeans because you think it looks hot. You carry an exotic animal around your neck. You get your belly button pierced. You tell the bouncer to "leave behind my name and age" because you are too young for the bar. You go home.

Britney trying to act was funny. Not because she was a good comedic actress but because she was bad. It was the worst movie probably ever, and by that I mean it was great. That movie represents the time when you dabble in a new major because you think you are multitalented. You think straying away from what you're meant to do and trying something new would be good for you. You take the photography class and realize you are as big of a joke as Britney is acting.

When she married K-Fed
We've all wanted to change a bad boy. We've all driven a car into a swimming pool in our mansion. Your K-Fed has 13 kids, but that doesn't stop you from pursuing him. He's different and edgy and probably has more tattoos than you have brain cells, but that's ok. You like him and can change him.

When she gave birth to Sean Preston
Britney randomly having a child is the equivalent of when you randomly adopt a puppy because you think it will make you happy. You think you will be able to take care of it and provide for it and love it. And then you drive down the highway with said puppy/child in your lap and suddenly, everyone is concerned that you can't make wise decisions.

Partying with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan
We all miss this time in pop culture. Partying is fun and Britney knows that best because she partied with the queen party girls, Paris and Lindsay. This is no different from your life when you hung around total shitshows, like them. This Britney era is your last semester of college when you decide nothing is off-limits and you want to make the most of your time on earth and you decide to not wear underwear.

2007 Britney
Ahh, 2007 Britney will go down in history as probably her best year. 2007 was a rough and tough year for B. Spears. She lost her mind and shaved her head and then plowed an umbrella into an SUV. Britney's 2007 is a lot like right after you graduate college and you have nothing to do. You're searching for a job but no one will hire you. You begin to have a mental, emotional, physical, economic breakdown and you realize you're on your way to death.

When Jamie gained conservatorship over Britney
Father knows best. This is the time in your life when you face reality and move back in with your parents because you are a failure. You're like a cat. You can take care of yourself for the most part, but it's best if someone checks in on your occasionally. You are a failure who can't get a job. You can't afford your own place and you wasted you parents' money and now you have to rely on them again.

Remember that reality show? I don't even think Britney remembers this time in her life. It's one giant blackout stage. It was that time when Britney thought we actually cared about her when she wasn't on stage flashing her belly button ring. "Chaotic" is your version of a blog. Everyone goes through a time when they think people care about what they are doing or saying or thinking. And most of the time it's tragic. Actually, all of the time it's tragic.

Vegas residency
At some point a caterpillar has to become a butterfly and most of the time, that butterfly is tattooed on your lower back. Britney landing the Vegas residency is a lot like when you land your first real job. It feels good. You feel empowered. You feel like you're finally standing on your feet. You have a purpose. You no longer need mom and dad to do everything for you. You're a new woman.

When she faked an injury
When Britney fell on stage and twisted her ankle while dancing and then took 84 weeks off her show, it was basically telling the world that she doesn't care and that she just wanted an extended vacation. Britney faking her ankle injury is the equivalent of you faking a cold to get out of some meeting or presentation. Sometimes you just don't want to be there.

We are all Britney.