Monday, August 3, 2015

Life Stages Told Through Britney Spears

In a few weeks, I'll be in Las Vegas with a bunch of girlfriends to see the original queen herself Britney "It's Britney, Bitch" Spears perform at her Vegas residency.

In honor of all that is ignorant, I'm explaining life stages in the form of Britney's life and career moves.

When she cheated on Justin Timberlake with a choreographer
We've all been there and Britney Freakin Spears paved the golden way. Show me a beautiful man (Justin Timberlake) and I'll show you a woman who doesn't want him (Britney Spears). For some reason, unknown to God and everyone, Britney decided that JT was too perfect and she should cheat on him with Wade, the choreographer. This is similar to your life, when you decide that the nice guy who opens your car door is boring and too available, so you go after some bass player who admires Amy Winehouse.

Crying to Diane Sawyer
You realize you've made a mistake, so you cry to your best friend and let her stare at you in judgment and ask insulting questions. Britney was the poster child for "white girl crying on TV about a boy" when she sobbed to Diane Sawyer and all of America watched. It was tough for all of us, Brit, but probably toughest for you.

"Boys" featuring Pharrell is an excellent song and the fact it didn't win six Grammys is a hate crime. This song represents freshman year of college when you first walk on to campus during orientation and see more college-aged men than there are fish in the actual sea. You can't believe what all you're seeing and you just go with it. You just go with it.

"Oops I Did It Again"
There's a time in everyone's young life when you straddle the line between being just nice and being too flirty. And Britney did it best because she literally sang a song about teasing a boy and then there was something about an astronaut diving in the sea and getting the diamond for her, or something. I don't know. But we've all been there.

"Slave 4 U"
How many times have you felt so good and looked so good and smelled so good that you decided to wear a thong over your jeans? This song represents everything good about you. It's when you are feeling really hot and want to go out and have the best time and dance so much you go home sweaty. You wear your thong over your jeans because you think it looks hot. You carry an exotic animal around your neck. You get your belly button pierced. You tell the bouncer to "leave behind my name and age" because you are too young for the bar. You go home.

Britney trying to act was funny. Not because she was a good comedic actress but because she was bad. It was the worst movie probably ever, and by that I mean it was great. That movie represents the time when you dabble in a new major because you think you are multitalented. You think straying away from what you're meant to do and trying something new would be good for you. You take the photography class and realize you are as big of a joke as Britney is acting.

When she married K-Fed
We've all wanted to change a bad boy. We've all driven a car into a swimming pool in our mansion. Your K-Fed has 13 kids, but that doesn't stop you from pursuing him. He's different and edgy and probably has more tattoos than you have brain cells, but that's ok. You like him and can change him.

When she gave birth to Sean Preston
Britney randomly having a child is the equivalent of when you randomly adopt a puppy because you think it will make you happy. You think you will be able to take care of it and provide for it and love it. And then you drive down the highway with said puppy/child in your lap and suddenly, everyone is concerned that you can't make wise decisions.

Partying with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan
We all miss this time in pop culture. Partying is fun and Britney knows that best because she partied with the queen party girls, Paris and Lindsay. This is no different from your life when you hung around total shitshows, like them. This Britney era is your last semester of college when you decide nothing is off-limits and you want to make the most of your time on earth and you decide to not wear underwear.

2007 Britney
Ahh, 2007 Britney will go down in history as probably her best year. 2007 was a rough and tough year for B. Spears. She lost her mind and shaved her head and then plowed an umbrella into an SUV. Britney's 2007 is a lot like right after you graduate college and you have nothing to do. You're searching for a job but no one will hire you. You begin to have a mental, emotional, physical, economic breakdown and you realize you're on your way to death.

When Jamie gained conservatorship over Britney
Father knows best. This is the time in your life when you face reality and move back in with your parents because you are a failure. You're like a cat. You can take care of yourself for the most part, but it's best if someone checks in on your occasionally. You are a failure who can't get a job. You can't afford your own place and you wasted you parents' money and now you have to rely on them again.

Remember that reality show? I don't even think Britney remembers this time in her life. It's one giant blackout stage. It was that time when Britney thought we actually cared about her when she wasn't on stage flashing her belly button ring. "Chaotic" is your version of a blog. Everyone goes through a time when they think people care about what they are doing or saying or thinking. And most of the time it's tragic. Actually, all of the time it's tragic.

Vegas residency
At some point a caterpillar has to become a butterfly and most of the time, that butterfly is tattooed on your lower back. Britney landing the Vegas residency is a lot like when you land your first real job. It feels good. You feel empowered. You feel like you're finally standing on your feet. You have a purpose. You no longer need mom and dad to do everything for you. You're a new woman.

When she faked an injury
When Britney fell on stage and twisted her ankle while dancing and then took 84 weeks off her show, it was basically telling the world that she doesn't care and that she just wanted an extended vacation. Britney faking her ankle injury is the equivalent of you faking a cold to get out of some meeting or presentation. Sometimes you just don't want to be there.

We are all Britney.

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