Tuesday, August 25, 2015

No one wants to go to the pool, Augusta

It's 118 degrees Celsius, not a mistake, in Las Vegas and Augusta wants to go to the swimming pool.

Let's rephrase that: Augusta wants to get in a swimsuit and head to the pool and drink a fruity cocktail outside, in the actual outdoors, next to other Vegas vacationers, who could double as tan and toned models.



I refuse to let that happen. One, because outside is hard. Two, swimsuits are no.

Here's how you successfully convince your body-confident friend to not to go to the pool.

Step 1 Don't even pack a swimsuit. 
Tell her you forgot your swimsuit because you didn't know Las Vegas had pools. You heard swimming had been outlawed like dancing had been in the town of Footloose. Tell her you haven't worn a swimsuit since you were 9 years old and it was a bandana top swimsuit and it doesn't fit you anymore.

Step 2 Run out of time
Between naps and drinking inside and peeing, there simply is not enough time in the day to go to a pool.

Step 3 Go to brunch
This step is key because you need to fatten up your friend. Right now she is looking forward to going to the pool and showing her actual stomach and thighs. You need to put an end to that. Take her to a buffet. Let her eat pastries and mashed potatoes and bacon. Tell the waiter to keep filling up her mimosas. Watch her bloat.



Step 4 Talk about your body insecurities
If she hears everyone else mentioning their insecurities with their body, she will begin to think about hers, too. Soon the idea of getting into a bikini will make her sick.

Step 5 Take her to the best Walgreens on earth and watch her snack
It's the best Walgreens you've ever seen. There is everything: alcohol and sandwiches and nail polish and chips and skinny women and hot men. Suggest she spend her gambling earnings on those cheddar and sour cream chips. Now watch her snack.

Step 6 Go to the casino
Find the Sex and the City slot machine to entertain your basic, white friend. Find the Bridesmaids one, too. Heck, sit her down and teach her how to play roulette. Tell her to get $100 out of the ATM. Order her a bloody mary. Watch her gambling addiction come to life.



Step 7 Four hours later, go back to the hotel
She still wants to go to the pool but tell her it's time for dinner.

Step 8 Run into a pool-defeated woman in the elevator
Casually mention how we aren't going to the pool while stranger is in the elevator. That woman will say what a good idea that is because the outdoors are hot and swimming is hard and swimsuits are harder.

Step 9 Yay
Congratulate yourself and your friends because you just avoided a crowded, hot pool in Vegas.

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