Sunday, September 27, 2015

Everyone needs to calm down about age

People are so weird about age and I guess I just don't get it.

I don't understand it at all.

I was talking to someone the other day and I answered their question about when I was born. He said, "Wow, that's when I graduated. Ok then."

???????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????

Ok??????

What do you want me to do about it????????????????????????

Do you know how age works? Do you know how time works? Do you realize not everyone is born the same year? And depending on what year you were born changes how old you are?? Why are you shocked not everyone is the same age as you???????

And oh my god, those stupid articles that are like 25 Things The Class of 2020 Won't Understand.

It's like yes???????????? Why would the class of 2020 know about NSYNC?????? They were a boy band that lasted literally three CDs. Do you care about the band Three Dog Night????? No. And why would the kids you're teaching now know about 9/11??????????????? They weren't there??????? Do you care about Pearl Harbor???????? Do you not understand how this works??????? Yes, kids today just google the weather because they have that kind of access. No, they don't have to go to high school reunions because there's Facebook. Why is this so hard to understand???????? Do people not realize that we're all going to die one day??? We are getting older and death is upon us?????? And different age groups experience different things??? That's how life works????

lance cannot dance.

I really really really really don't understand when people give me shit for my age. Age is literally something I cannot change. I can literally change my gender but I cannot legally change my age. So when you look at me disgusted that I was born in a certain year, I'm just like ok???????????? I'm sorry???????????????

And for the love of God, stop with the "this generation is doomed." We are all literally doomed.

I'm done. Shortest blog post ever. Bye.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Preparing To Interview Nick Jonas

Nick Jonas.
Nick Jonas.
JONAS JONAS JONAS.


mercy.

Let this be known: I don't even particularly like Nick Jonas. He strikes me as the type of guy who would buy you a drink in the bar and then get really angry if you talked to another guy. This has never happened to me, so I'm not positive if I would hate it or secretly like it, but you get the point.

But when my editor informed me that I was going to interview Nick Jonas, I went into a freakin tailspin. A tizzy. A psychotic episode. I couldn't even talk to anyone for 48 hours. I didn't look anyone in the eye. All I could think about was Nick Jonas and how everything was going to go down.

Thought process before interviewing Nick Jonas:
What should I wear to interview Nick Jonas
I'm going to text everyone in my phone and ask them.
My dad said 'something sassy.'
Mack said one of my black dresses. How many black dresses do I own. I own eight. I own a lot of black dresses for a woman who literally never goes anywhere nice.
I need to go to the mall.
But first DSW.
These brown booties are very cute and Nick Jonas would like them.
They are Michael Kors.
I can never remember if Kassidy hates Michael Kors or Marc Jacobs. She hates one of them.
They're $150. I'm not going to get them.
I need to go to the mall.
Top Shop is nice but I was just here.
I'm going to go to Forever 21.
God no.
Urban?
I own everything here already.
Nick would never go for a boho girl anyway.
H&M?
I'm already a worse person from just spending three minutes in there.
Back to Nordstroms.
The lady is asking me what occasion I'm shopping for. I literally can't tell her I'm interviewing Nick Jonas because who would even believe me. I don't even believe me.
This skirt is nice. I'm going to ask the sales lady if it's ugly.
Of course she said no.
Oh god, I'm trying this skirt on and it's ugly.
I'm going to leave and not make eye contact with Gabby, the nice sales lady, even though she was wrong and that skirt was effing hideous.
Ok, I'm home and that mall trip was as unsuccessful as Nick Jonas and the Administration.
Let's Google Olivia Culpo.
God, she's pretty.
Does Nick Jonas like bangs?
I should text my dad again.
Let's read about what Olivia does before she goes out for a night.
She shaves her legs with coconut oil. I used to do that.
Should I do that tomorrow?
Should I get a spray tan?
Should I be myself or not?
Does Nick Jonas know about jokes?
What am I even interviewing him about?
My sister said to go look in her closet. Our styles couldn't be more different if I was Rosie O'Donnell and she was Kelly Ripa.
Oh, good, my roommate is home, I can bother her now.
I just convinced her to go to Target.
Am I getting older or is Target getting worse?
God, I can never tell when I'm entering the maternity section.
I need something that says I'm a professional, but also you can ask me out.
I just called Nick Joe. Don't let me say that to his face.
God, there is nothing at Target. My life is going to hell.
I'm back home. I have to watch Scream Queens because Nick is in it.
This is the worst show I've ever watched and I've seen an episode of American Juniors.
I'm not going to watch this. I'll read about it tomorrow on Twitter.
I'm going to Wikipedia Nick Jonas.
He was born in Dallas. That will be a good ice-breaker.
I have nothing to wear.
Literally, do I own any clothes.

need dat dress.

Actually transcription from the Nick Jonas interview:
PMS: "Are you happy to be in Dallas? Do your parents still live here?"
NJ: "They do. My parents are coming (to the show) tonight."
PMS: "And Frankie still lives here?"
NJ: "Frankie lives here."
PMS: "He's my favorite."
NJ: "He's my favorite, too. He's the best one."
PMS: "Yeah."

Nick Jonas did not compliment me on my clothes, but when I went to shake his hand goodbye, he went in for the hug and I said NICK ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH ME.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Guys Don't Care About Girls' Fashion and It's Tragic

10:37 p.m. CT August 17, 2014

"Never blog about basic b*tches who carry Coach purses because that will come back to bite you." -Augusta Ruby Neal.

So here goes nothing, I guess.

5:01 p.m. CT September 20, 2015

I spy a living and breathing female in her natural habitat at Wild About Harry's. She is waiting in line, wondering what flavor concrete she's going to order. She is wearing jean shorts, has French tip acrylic nails, and a James Avery dangly cross ring on her finger. And she has a boyfriend who is all over her like white on bread or some other horrible analogy.



Did you hear me correctly? Did you read that right? SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. A girl who has yet to escape 2007 has a boyfriend and he does not give two rat's ass about her fashion choices.

This is what is so startling about America/dating. Or being an American who dates. Men do not care about what women wear or where they shop or anything. I am so completely stressed out about finding the perfect thigh-high boots for the winter, I can't even think straight most days. And this girl in Wild About Harry's has a James Avery silver ring. And not only that, but it's a dangly cross. On her French tip nails.

2007 CALLED AND THEY ARE MAD YOU'RE STILL THERE, GIRL.

Everyone has their own idea of what's fashionable, but you're probably wrong. Just because you looked good in American Eagle jeans in high school doesn't mean you still do slash doesn't mean you should ever enter an AE store again.

chris brown doesn't care about her bag and honestly that's his scariest characteristic 

And guys don't care. Guys think high-waisted anythings are ugly. It's like, I'm sorry I'm not a Playboy model and need to cover up my hips. And guys don't care about makeup. Guys think Cara Delevinge, the most beautiful supermodel in the world, has messed up eyebrows. Guys want us to wear no makeup until they see us with none and then they're like, oh, maybe wear some. I SPENT $100 AT ULTA I WILL WEAR MY MAKEUP AND YOU WILL NOT TELL ME YOU LIKE ME BETTER NATURAL. 

Other things that President Barack Obama should personally outlaw:
Tiffany heart necklaces
Coach purses
Dooney and Burke purses
Tiny Louis Vuitton purses
Skunk hair
Toe rings
Thick belts
Zebra anything
Chevron
CHEVRON
Chevron
Texas-shaped jewelry. We get it. You live here.
Sunglasses with rhinestones
Sundresses and cowboy boots. Have you ever even seen a cow.
Bump its
Tank tops that are longer than the shirt

If you are offended by any of this, start your own effing blog and write about it.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Brad Paisley Q&A Because WTF

What's the point in having Brad Paisley follow you on Twitter if you don't occasionally abuse it, I thought to myself one lonely night. Inspired by this DUDs post, I went for it.

Photo by Isaac Villalobos. Hire him here: isaacvillalobos.com.

For some reason, unknown to even God himself, Brad Paisley follows me on the Twitter and sometimes even interacts with thy tweets.

Listen, everyone has something. Some people have clear skin, some people have an impressive IQ, some people meet their soulmate at age 15 and don't have to date. I HAVE NONE OF THOSE THINGS. SO LET ME HAVE THIS.

Maybe Brad Paisley follows me because he thinks I'm a serious and professional journalist.



Or maybe he thinks I'm really funny.



Or maybe he accidentally followed me one day and then felt too bad to unfollow me.



These are theories I don't have time to explore.

The only thing I have time to do is DM extremely sophisticated questions and pray to the country music gods that he responds and doesn't file a restraining order.

Because Just PMSing is a serious political blog, I asked Mr. BP what he thinks about the presidential race and taxes and ISIS.

I'm kidding. I asked him Taco Bueno or Taco Bell. AND HE RESPONDED. And here are his answers. FREAKIN DRUMROLL PLEASE.

Enjoy, PMSers. Can I call y'all that?

PMS: How many times have you watched Father of the Bride?
BP: Father of the Bride? 48 times.

graphics by PMS hire me for all your photoshopping needs.

PMS: Favorite Taylor Swift song?
BP: TS song? Red

PMS: Taco Bueno or Taco Bell?
BP: Bueno

PMS: Barbecue sauce or ranch?
BP: Barbecue sauce

PMS: Football or baseball?
BP: Football

PMS: Favorite John Travolta movie?
BP: Pulp Fiction

PMS: Hardest song of yours to play on guitar?
BP: Time Warp

PMS: If you were locked inside Mall of America, which store would you sleep in?
BP: The Lake Wobegon Store

PMS: Who can drink more: you or Blake Shelton?
BP: Blake Shelton

PMS: Favorite Ludacris song?
BP: Money Maker

PMS: Dipping or chewing?
BP: Chewing

PMS: Have you ever drank a beer in the shower?
BP: No

PMS: Funniest thing one of your kids has ever said?
BP: Dad's in charge

Here's the screenshot of his answers. Yes, it could not be him. It could be some poor intern. But you know what? YOUR BOYFRIEND COULD BE A CLOSETED HOMOSEXUAL. We don't know. It's called faith, people. Get some.


Thank you, Mr. Brad Paisley if you're reading this. IOU. And ILY.

Go like Just PMSing on Facebook. If you want. Or don't. Idfc.

Oh, and watch BP and Carrie Underwood host the CMAs Nov. 4. Bye.

Monday, September 14, 2015

What To Get Your Man For His Birthday

Because I'm an unmarried woman who is famously attracted to gay guys, sometimes my friends ask me for boy advice.

By sometimes, I mean really never, because I usually just say, "He doesn't like you," but sometimes they ask me, "Hey, PMS. What should I get my man for his birthday?"

Ahh, yes, birthdays. They are a special occasion. They are the one time a year where you can ask your man how old he is without feeling weird about it.

Age is weird.

So because I serve the people, I'll offer up my advice on what to get your man for his birthday.



Cigarettes
I don't care if he doesn't even smoke. I don't care if he recently tried quitting. Cigarettes are an easy gift because all you have to do is walk into a gas station, point behind the register, and say give it to me. This can be dangerous, so use the buddy system.

Beer
This one can be challenging because it will force you to look at the beer he drinks. Pay attention, now. When he goes up to the bar to order, listen closely. Was it a Shiner? Was it a Budweiser? Was it a Shirley Temple? Whatever he says, write it down. Then repeat. Wala, you have a beer for your man.

Concert tickets
Concert tickets are a fun gift because when you give a man two concert tickets, they feel obligated to take you. You don't fight this feeling. The trick here is to give him concert tickets of a concert you want to see. Like Taylor Swift. Oh, what was that? You don't like Taylor Swift? But look at her legs. This is a great birthday present, how dare you argue with me.

*Concert tickets are tricky, however because you don't want to plan too far in advance. One time I bought a male Jason Aldean concert tickets and then he broke up with me (I know, who tf would ever break up with me) and then I was forced to go to a Jason Aldean concert and sadly, that was my first Aldean concert, but not my last.*

Nothing
Playing dumb is cute and that is a fact. That's why the girl who posts things like, "Does anyone know any fun recipes?" instead of Googling it has a husband and you don't. So this birthday, get him nothing and watch him fume. It's fun. Birthday arguments are a good way to start the new year.

What do y'all get your men???????????????????

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Miss America Was Everything You Hate About America

The pageant gods are looking down on me tonight because by the grace of Vanessa Williams, my channel 8 is working. And that never happens.

This is the 95th Miss America pageant, which means Granmary is older than Miss America. Let that sink in.

The awkward dancing has already started as all of the women introduce ourselves.

Miss Alabama- "The state that brought you Channing Tatum." What. Wut. Why.

MISS CONNECTICUT IS SO SHORT SHE IS LEGALLY A MIDGET I THINK

Oh my god Miss Florida is dancing like she's at an actual Las Vegas Nevada club and I'm scared for how sore she's going to be in the morning because we've all been there.

The dancing. I cannot. I will not.

Miss Idaho- "From the state that brought you Napoleon Dynamite. Don't vote for Pedro, vote for me." Why. What abuse did you suffer through to think that was a good thing to say.

Miss Kansas has a shot

Miss Maryland has never won Miss America and that is very sad.

The dancing, y'all.

"Young women at home, can you see yourself competing to be Miss America?" -Brooke Burke, co-host, to audience. "Yes." -me to myself in my bedroom.

Running thoughts:
Miss Minnesota has a shot.
Miss Mississippi, too.
Miss Missouri omg the M's are good.
Miss New Mexico talked too fast. She's out.
Miss America 2015 is wearing a crop top. Remember Miss America last year when she did the cups song as her talent, I miss that.
Miss New York has a shot.
Miss North Dakota has never won omg sad.
Miss Oklahoma is always in the top 10 it's a law and mark my words.
I always forget about Puerto Rico.
The first black girl in the entire competition is Miss South Carolina.
Miss Tennessee is good.
Miss Texas will be in the top 10, also a law.
Miss Vermont said something about Ben and Jerry ice cream and I feel personally attacked right now.
They are wearing visors in the background and dancing on a golf course and honest to god, what is happening. This is so much worse than any SNL skit.
Now they are on stage and all wearing black and Brooke Burke is wearing white because she's a bridezilla, so they all want to kill her probably, which would make great television.

NOW WE GET TO MEET THE JUDGES WHO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT PAGEANTS OR LIFE:
Brett Eldredge- looking for his next girlfriend, I'm sure.
TAYA KYLE IS A JUDGE GOD BLESS AMERICA & OUR TROOPS HAPPY CHRIS KYLE DAY
Danica McKellar aka Winnie from The Wonder Years, why are you here.
Kevin O'Leary who is that, idk.
Amy Purdy I think she was on Dancing with the Stars once, don't quote me.
Zendaya is a judge and 10 bucks she asks a question about her dreads and the whole Giuliana Rancic thing and I will roll my eyes.
VANESSA WILLIAMS IS HERE OMG OMG OMG OMG. She was Miss America 1984 and resigned because she posed nude or something, I don't remember. Now, she is singing and what's happening. Vanessa Williams is the Pete Rose of beauty pageants. We will eventually welcome her back, it just takes time ok.
She's still singing help.

Now there's a white man speaking closely to Vanessa and I'm uncomfortable. It's like John Travolta and Scarlett Johannson. omg he's apologizing what is happening this is so odd he is so close to her.



We are going from 52 to 15. I like that cut I wish the bachelor would do that dramatic of a cut. Give it to us, Chris Harrison, the other co-host.
America's choice through voting or something: Miss Tennessee- she said something about math and kids and arthritis.
Miss Iowa- wants to own a nonprofit
Miss Virginia- had depression in high school
Miss South Carolina- literally the only black one, didn't hear one word she said
Miss Florida- the club dancer. "Iron sharpens iron" -something she actually just said about something.
Miss Oklahoma- told you. Her dad was a baseball player.
Miss Virginia- wait I thought she already got in, I missed someone, forgive me. Her dad is an FBI agent so good luck marrying her
Miss Alabama- "My mom is my best friend." Kill me now, please.
Miss Colorado- is a nurse
Miss Louisiana- wants to be on a sitcom or HBO series, so she wants to show her breasts, that ended well for Vanessa Williams, good luck
MISS TEXAS- TOLD Y'ALL.
Miss Nebraska- something about bow and arrows, idk
Miss Georgia- she thinks she stands out because she never meets a stranger
Miss Mississippi- going to medical school, good luck.
Miss Arkansas- showed cattle growing up, can't wait for her talent portion

Swimsuit competition is coming up and Nick Jonas is here, as the DJ or some bullshit reason, but mainly he's looking for his next girlfriend I'm sure.

Oh, ok. It was Miss West Virginia, not Miss Virginia. Sorry, y'all. All of these girls basically look the same and none of them wore a one-piece, so now I'm mad. No high-waisted swimsuits either, so eff y'all. Y'all don't understand what it's like to have hips.

Omg Vanessa William's face during Miss Florida's swimsuit was so disgusted and unimpressed and I'm giggling.



Now there are a bunch of old Miss Americas and they are all wearing Mother of the Bride dresses, which is the most tragic thing to ever happen to feminism, if you really think about it.

no idea who this woman is i am so sorry.

12 move on to evening gown portion.
Florida, Colorado, Iowa, Mississippi, TEXAS, Tennessee, South Carolina, Alabama, Nebraska, Louisiana, Georgia, Oklahoma.

Oklahoma and Texas made top 12, seriously what do I win.

Brooke Burke just cut off Zendaya as she asked her some stupid question, so soon she'll be out of a job, too, like Guiliana Rancic. BECAUSE NO ONE MESSES WITH ZENDAYA.



Evening wear, let's judge these dresses
Florida- wearing a white wedding dress pretty much
Colorado- pretty red dress
Iowa- ugly blue dress I'm sorry
Mississippi- white jeweled dress
Texas- a blush dress with this tail/cape thing
Tennessee- red peplum dress THIS IS NOT 2013 SOMEONE HELP HER SOMEONE SAVE HER
South Carolina- a cheaper version of that Beyonce dress, omg she just said something about Bey too


Alabama- light pink dress, pretty ugly
Nebraska- ugly dress and it's teal
Louisiana- red dress with slit "I think sexy is empowering."
Georgia- a crop top dress that is white and ugly
Oklahoma- a pretty dress, she's going to win

Talent is the "most popular," Brooke Burke said. Talent is the "most painful," PMS said.
It's just, like, pageants are these women's talent, so why do we make them do anything else.
Florida- dancing. She's actually not that bad and I can say that because I danced in high school, so I'm an expert.
Oklahoma- singing "Happy Days Are Here Again." I'm three seconds in and already in pain, so I'll be on Facebook for the time being. See y'all soon.
Louisiana- singing "Climb Every Mountain." I have no comment.
Tennessee- playing some Latin song on the piano. But there's other music playing, so I can't really hear the piano, so now I think she's faking it. 100% sure she just banged on keys while the real stuff played.
Texas- singing "Son of a Preacher Man." Camera cuts to Taya Kyle and she is proud. Brett Eldrege is so bored, it's humorous. Fun fact from Miss Texas: She wants to be EIC at Vogue. Somewhere Anna Wintour is like:



Alabama- a contemporary dance from the Matrix and I cannot. Someone stop her. Someone cut off the music. She just fell out of her turn. She's on the floor. And spazzing. Why. Who.
Colorado- performing an original monologue. So public speaking. So being a beauty pageant queen. She's wearing scrubs and has a stethoscope. She's talking about some man named Joe with Alzheimer's. THIS IS NOT A TALENT. THROW IN A JOKE ABOUT ALZHEIMERS. SOMEONE TELL HER TO TRY STAND-UP COMEDY. I'M MAD.
South Carolina- singing "I Believe." Her mic is so low and I cannot hear one word she is saying. It's not great and I write music reviews occasionally, so I can say that. Side note: I just flexed in some weird way and my hips/lower back/something popped, so that's my Miss America talent.
Mississippi- playing violin. I already don't want to. I wouldn't know good violin playing from bad, but I'm pretty sure this is bad because it keeps squeaking.
Georgia- singing. Opera. It's as boring as you would guess. I'm 100% certain she just screamed out vowels and called it singing.

Talent is over. Commercial break. Thoughts:

IF TAYA KYLE DOESN'T ASK MISS TEXAS IN THE INTERVIEW ROUND WHAT SHE DOES TO CELEBRATE CHRIS KYLE DAY, I WILL SET MYSELF ON FIRE. 

Interview portion, more women get cut.
Colorado- O'Leary asks her about a woman being on the $10 bill. Which woman? SHE SAYS ELLEN DEGENERES. I'M NOT JOKING OMG SHE DID NOT SHE DID NOT.
South Carolina- Amy Purdy asks if she supports a ban on guns. She answers no, people should be educated.
Tennessee- Vanessa Williams asks about Planned Parenthood funding. She answers that funding shouldn't be cut off because of women's health or something.
Alabama- Tara Kylie asks. THAT'S WHAT BROOKE BURKE CALLED HER. I CANNOT. CHRIS KYLE IS LOOKING DOWN ON YOU RIGHT NOW MAD, BROOKE BURKE. She asks why is Donald Trump leading. She answers that the Republican party should be terrified. Taya is smiling.
Georgia- Brett Eldredge asks about Tom Brady and his balls. She asks for the question to be repeated.   "Did he cheat?" -Brett. "I would have to be there to feel the ball." -actual statement she said.
Mississippi- Zendaya is asking and I'm scared. Oh, god, she's asking about Kim Davis. Asking about if it violates the law and she answers that yes it did.
Louisiana- Danica/Winnie asking about #BlackLivesMatter. Should it be all lives matter? She answers something about labels and stopping police brutality with body cameras, so.

me rn because taya kyle didn't get to ask miss texas anything.
Seven women left and eight minutes until 10 p.m. how long does this atrocity last.

Miss America 2015 is walking down the aisle with See You Again playing, which is about Paul Walker dying, so RIP Miss America 2015, I guess. Your life is over at this year of your life.

Now the final seven are back in their evening gown attire and they are all wearing white and red, so there is some conspiracy theory going on. If you go for Miss America 2017, WEAR WHITE OR RED IN EVENING GOWN THIS IS A LIFE PMS HACK.

Ernst and Young counted the votes and I wish I could put that on my resume.

Fourth runner-up- Miss Alabama
Third runner-up- Miss Louisiana
Second runner-up- Miss Colorado
First runner-up- Miss Mississippi. She will step in if Miss America screws up, aka poses nude.
Now there are still three girls left on stage but only one is Miss America, this is a weird way to do it.

MISS AMERICA IS MISS GEORGIA. SHE'S A SOUTHERN GIRL BECAUSE NO NORTHERNER HAS EVER WON A BEAUTY PAGEANT AND THAT IS A FACT.

She is crying. They are bobby-pinning in her crown. She has an ugly cry face.

Miss America 2016 is literally a white woman named Betty so don't tell me we haven't come a long way, America.

Bye.

Friday, September 11, 2015

I Recommend the Anxiety Diet

A N X I E T Y

Let's take a trip down memory lane, everyone and explore PMS's anxiety tales.

1990-2010- No anxiety. I was a carefree child/preteen/teen who didn't worry about anything.

Summer 2011- Death. All death. My first panic attack was in an elevator in the middle of summer while I was helping my sister move. It's why, today, I don't go outside, I don't help anyone move, and I avoid elevators. That summer it was panic attacks every hour. Constantly thinking I was going to die because the panic attacks were so bad.

Summer 2011- MEDICINE. Thank you, Good Lord for medicine.

Yesterday- I made myself sick from being so anxious. Like it's-coming-out-of-both-ends sick. Like I'm-going-to-have-to-pull-over-and-vomit sick. Like I'm-drinking-Sprite-like-an-animal sick. And I didn't know why I was anxious.

And that's the worst part of the anxiety. When I don't know why I'm effing anxious. Is it a deadline? Is it a boy? Is it the heat? Is it my fear of being shot? I DON'T KNOW.

Then I go into this whole downward spiral of 'Is it woman's intuition?' And is woman's intuition even real? Steve Harvey was talking about it the other day (Sometimes I watch the Steve Harvey Show) and I was like omg I thought that was something women just made up to scare their husbands into thinking we know what they were doing (I don't have a husband so idk why I said we)? But maybe my intuition is trying to tell me that something bad is about to happen and my body is just reacting. Maybe this is all caused by the Steve Harvey Show and my body is just telling me not to watch such shitty television.



Then I start to think that maybe I'm just regular sick, like I have a stomach bug or something or Whataburger food poisoned me because this feeling is not anxiety-normal. So then I pop nine Peptos and watch my tongue turn black (side effects are fun) and watch Jimmy Fallon and pray that God can calm my anxiety. (He can.)

OTHER ANXIETY FUN FACTS THAT SHOULD APPEAR ON A PAMPHLET SOMEWHERE.

Anxiety triggers:

  • THE HEAT. Not the Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock movie either. Oh, man, that joke was good, someone write that down. But like when it's hot outside, my anxiety is through the roof. Yesterday, I went to go somewhere and it was so hot outside, I ran back inside and threw up.
  • Small spaces. This one is obvious, but I like to avoid elevators and sitting on the inside of the booth. I always have to be near the outside and on the aisle on planes. Help.
  • Drinking used to give me anxiety but I've grown up, thank god.
  • Catfish, The Bachelor, and UnREAL. Remember the show UnREAL. I mean, it's still on. But it was/is the scripted/real version of The Bachelor. I'm talking in past tense because one episode made me so anxious that I stopped watching the series all together. The Bachelor makes me anxious if I don't know the outcome. That's why I always look up spoilers. And I never know the ending for Catfish and usually my jaw is open the entire time because every time, it tricks me, but I love Nev and Max, so I keep going.
  • Traveling. It's not even the act of traveling, it's the thought of being away from home for a long period of time and missing something. FOMO is a real disease, everyone.


Side effects of my anxiety: 

  • Peeing. Peeing a lot. I peed maybe 15 times before Emily's wedding because I was so nervous and it wasn't even my wedding so haha yay marriage.
  • Yawing. If you ever see me yawning, I'm probably not tired because I take six naps a day. So that means I'm probably really effing anxious.

However, with all this said, I've lost like three pounds this week, so yay anxiety I guess.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Fashion Advice From PMS

Last night I accidentally bought a white dress from Urban Outfitters and I'm still physically distraught from it.

white
WHITE
wHiTe

There are rules and I just broke them. YOU CAN'T WEAR WHITE AFTER LABOR DAY WHAT WAS I EVEN THINKING.

Here are all of the fashion rules I follow.

Is this a fashion blog now. Am I Courtney Kerr. Are y'all going to pin this blog post after reading this?

Rules PMS follows so you probably should, too:
1. No white after Labor Day
Listen, I don't make the rules. I just follow them until I die. No white after Labor Day is allowed unless they are white Converse, unless it's a white shirt, and unless it's a winter white dress. No white sandals, no white purses, no white jeans. And what is winter white, you just asked yourself. It's white but more winter-ey.

2. Look to Highland Park High School girls for fashion inspiration
I don't know, call me immature or an idiot, but there is something effortless and chic about a Highland Park gal strolling through NorthPark. Their hair is in a loose pony and their socks are pulled up higher than their high-top Converse and they are just cool. Sue me.




3. WWJD bracelets are back, baby
I found some at my parents' house yesterday and I wore it in the shower, to bed, to an interview and I regret nothing. Because it's like, what would Jesus do. Would he eat Braum's or Baskin Robbins during this Blue Bell drought? Would he drink pink wine? Would he start a Raider Power in a crowded bar? I don't know.

"We're with Jason Derulo." -my father's take on WWJD

4. Lesbians have the best shoes
Birkenstocks are cool and you know how I know that? Because HPHS girls wear them. And they got the look from the neighborhood lesbians. But if you can't afford Birkenstocks, get the uglier, knockoff version at Target because that's what Jesus would do. TWJWD.

5. When all else fails, go to tayswiftstyle.com
No explanation needed.

Friday, September 4, 2015

I Engaged In An Instagram War with Maria Menounos, kind of not really


Straight men, stop reading now. You're not going to understand any of this and honestly, it's just better if you don't endure and then come at me with a billion question.

Last week, I engaged in an actual Instagram war with Maria Menounos and I'm still mad as hell.

First: Who is Maria Menounos?
She hosts a bunch of entertainment news shows, but most recently, she took over at E! News when Giuliana Rancic left.

Second: Hmm, interesting, I guess?
Yes, because Maria and Giuliana allegedly don't like each other. I'm team G.




So here's how it went down. I'm scrolling through Instagram and for some reason unknown to God and everyone, I'm following Maria Menounos. She posted this video.

https://instagram.com/p/6506D1swRe/?taken-by=mariamenounos

idk how to embed a video help

Why this video is interesting/stupid is because there are zero rumors out there that Maria doesn't like Catt Sadler or Jason Kennedy. The rumors are about how she and G don't get along and how Maria was gunning for G's job at E!

So I comment this.




I leave Instagram and get on with my day because I'm a professional.

Then I don't know how much longer, I get on Instagram again. I never get on Instagram. This is not me bragging. I'm on Twitter every second, but never on Instagram. You could go and slander my name all over Instagram and it would take me four weeks to see it. I don't have notifications on my phone either.

So a few hours later, when I was uploading a pic where I dressed like Tay Swift, I see Maria EFFING Menounos commented on my picture of Winston and me.

And she said this.



This could go one of two ways. She could have meant it like oh, sweet dog pic, or she could have meant it like oh, sweet dog pic. Do you hear the difference? Are you reading this blog correctly? This is why I need a podcast.

But, seriously, do you understand?

I'm mad as hell and I will never watch E! News again, mainly because I don't have cable but also because I dislike Maria Menounos.