Friday, September 11, 2015

I Recommend the Anxiety Diet

A N X I E T Y

Let's take a trip down memory lane, everyone and explore PMS's anxiety tales.

1990-2010- No anxiety. I was a carefree child/preteen/teen who didn't worry about anything.

Summer 2011- Death. All death. My first panic attack was in an elevator in the middle of summer while I was helping my sister move. It's why, today, I don't go outside, I don't help anyone move, and I avoid elevators. That summer it was panic attacks every hour. Constantly thinking I was going to die because the panic attacks were so bad.

Summer 2011- MEDICINE. Thank you, Good Lord for medicine.

Yesterday- I made myself sick from being so anxious. Like it's-coming-out-of-both-ends sick. Like I'm-going-to-have-to-pull-over-and-vomit sick. Like I'm-drinking-Sprite-like-an-animal sick. And I didn't know why I was anxious.

And that's the worst part of the anxiety. When I don't know why I'm effing anxious. Is it a deadline? Is it a boy? Is it the heat? Is it my fear of being shot? I DON'T KNOW.

Then I go into this whole downward spiral of 'Is it woman's intuition?' And is woman's intuition even real? Steve Harvey was talking about it the other day (Sometimes I watch the Steve Harvey Show) and I was like omg I thought that was something women just made up to scare their husbands into thinking we know what they were doing (I don't have a husband so idk why I said we)? But maybe my intuition is trying to tell me that something bad is about to happen and my body is just reacting. Maybe this is all caused by the Steve Harvey Show and my body is just telling me not to watch such shitty television.



Then I start to think that maybe I'm just regular sick, like I have a stomach bug or something or Whataburger food poisoned me because this feeling is not anxiety-normal. So then I pop nine Peptos and watch my tongue turn black (side effects are fun) and watch Jimmy Fallon and pray that God can calm my anxiety. (He can.)

OTHER ANXIETY FUN FACTS THAT SHOULD APPEAR ON A PAMPHLET SOMEWHERE.

Anxiety triggers:

  • THE HEAT. Not the Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock movie either. Oh, man, that joke was good, someone write that down. But like when it's hot outside, my anxiety is through the roof. Yesterday, I went to go somewhere and it was so hot outside, I ran back inside and threw up.
  • Small spaces. This one is obvious, but I like to avoid elevators and sitting on the inside of the booth. I always have to be near the outside and on the aisle on planes. Help.
  • Drinking used to give me anxiety but I've grown up, thank god.
  • Catfish, The Bachelor, and UnREAL. Remember the show UnREAL. I mean, it's still on. But it was/is the scripted/real version of The Bachelor. I'm talking in past tense because one episode made me so anxious that I stopped watching the series all together. The Bachelor makes me anxious if I don't know the outcome. That's why I always look up spoilers. And I never know the ending for Catfish and usually my jaw is open the entire time because every time, it tricks me, but I love Nev and Max, so I keep going.
  • Traveling. It's not even the act of traveling, it's the thought of being away from home for a long period of time and missing something. FOMO is a real disease, everyone.


Side effects of my anxiety: 

  • Peeing. Peeing a lot. I peed maybe 15 times before Emily's wedding because I was so nervous and it wasn't even my wedding so haha yay marriage.
  • Yawing. If you ever see me yawning, I'm probably not tired because I take six naps a day. So that means I'm probably really effing anxious.

However, with all this said, I've lost like three pounds this week, so yay anxiety I guess.

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