Sunday, September 13, 2015

Miss America Was Everything You Hate About America

The pageant gods are looking down on me tonight because by the grace of Vanessa Williams, my channel 8 is working. And that never happens.

This is the 95th Miss America pageant, which means Granmary is older than Miss America. Let that sink in.

The awkward dancing has already started as all of the women introduce ourselves.

Miss Alabama- "The state that brought you Channing Tatum." What. Wut. Why.

MISS CONNECTICUT IS SO SHORT SHE IS LEGALLY A MIDGET I THINK

Oh my god Miss Florida is dancing like she's at an actual Las Vegas Nevada club and I'm scared for how sore she's going to be in the morning because we've all been there.

The dancing. I cannot. I will not.

Miss Idaho- "From the state that brought you Napoleon Dynamite. Don't vote for Pedro, vote for me." Why. What abuse did you suffer through to think that was a good thing to say.

Miss Kansas has a shot

Miss Maryland has never won Miss America and that is very sad.

The dancing, y'all.

"Young women at home, can you see yourself competing to be Miss America?" -Brooke Burke, co-host, to audience. "Yes." -me to myself in my bedroom.

Running thoughts:
Miss Minnesota has a shot.
Miss Mississippi, too.
Miss Missouri omg the M's are good.
Miss New Mexico talked too fast. She's out.
Miss America 2015 is wearing a crop top. Remember Miss America last year when she did the cups song as her talent, I miss that.
Miss New York has a shot.
Miss North Dakota has never won omg sad.
Miss Oklahoma is always in the top 10 it's a law and mark my words.
I always forget about Puerto Rico.
The first black girl in the entire competition is Miss South Carolina.
Miss Tennessee is good.
Miss Texas will be in the top 10, also a law.
Miss Vermont said something about Ben and Jerry ice cream and I feel personally attacked right now.
They are wearing visors in the background and dancing on a golf course and honest to god, what is happening. This is so much worse than any SNL skit.
Now they are on stage and all wearing black and Brooke Burke is wearing white because she's a bridezilla, so they all want to kill her probably, which would make great television.

NOW WE GET TO MEET THE JUDGES WHO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT PAGEANTS OR LIFE:
Brett Eldredge- looking for his next girlfriend, I'm sure.
TAYA KYLE IS A JUDGE GOD BLESS AMERICA & OUR TROOPS HAPPY CHRIS KYLE DAY
Danica McKellar aka Winnie from The Wonder Years, why are you here.
Kevin O'Leary who is that, idk.
Amy Purdy I think she was on Dancing with the Stars once, don't quote me.
Zendaya is a judge and 10 bucks she asks a question about her dreads and the whole Giuliana Rancic thing and I will roll my eyes.
VANESSA WILLIAMS IS HERE OMG OMG OMG OMG. She was Miss America 1984 and resigned because she posed nude or something, I don't remember. Now, she is singing and what's happening. Vanessa Williams is the Pete Rose of beauty pageants. We will eventually welcome her back, it just takes time ok.
She's still singing help.

Now there's a white man speaking closely to Vanessa and I'm uncomfortable. It's like John Travolta and Scarlett Johannson. omg he's apologizing what is happening this is so odd he is so close to her.



We are going from 52 to 15. I like that cut I wish the bachelor would do that dramatic of a cut. Give it to us, Chris Harrison, the other co-host.
America's choice through voting or something: Miss Tennessee- she said something about math and kids and arthritis.
Miss Iowa- wants to own a nonprofit
Miss Virginia- had depression in high school
Miss South Carolina- literally the only black one, didn't hear one word she said
Miss Florida- the club dancer. "Iron sharpens iron" -something she actually just said about something.
Miss Oklahoma- told you. Her dad was a baseball player.
Miss Virginia- wait I thought she already got in, I missed someone, forgive me. Her dad is an FBI agent so good luck marrying her
Miss Alabama- "My mom is my best friend." Kill me now, please.
Miss Colorado- is a nurse
Miss Louisiana- wants to be on a sitcom or HBO series, so she wants to show her breasts, that ended well for Vanessa Williams, good luck
MISS TEXAS- TOLD Y'ALL.
Miss Nebraska- something about bow and arrows, idk
Miss Georgia- she thinks she stands out because she never meets a stranger
Miss Mississippi- going to medical school, good luck.
Miss Arkansas- showed cattle growing up, can't wait for her talent portion

Swimsuit competition is coming up and Nick Jonas is here, as the DJ or some bullshit reason, but mainly he's looking for his next girlfriend I'm sure.

Oh, ok. It was Miss West Virginia, not Miss Virginia. Sorry, y'all. All of these girls basically look the same and none of them wore a one-piece, so now I'm mad. No high-waisted swimsuits either, so eff y'all. Y'all don't understand what it's like to have hips.

Omg Vanessa William's face during Miss Florida's swimsuit was so disgusted and unimpressed and I'm giggling.



Now there are a bunch of old Miss Americas and they are all wearing Mother of the Bride dresses, which is the most tragic thing to ever happen to feminism, if you really think about it.

no idea who this woman is i am so sorry.

12 move on to evening gown portion.
Florida, Colorado, Iowa, Mississippi, TEXAS, Tennessee, South Carolina, Alabama, Nebraska, Louisiana, Georgia, Oklahoma.

Oklahoma and Texas made top 12, seriously what do I win.

Brooke Burke just cut off Zendaya as she asked her some stupid question, so soon she'll be out of a job, too, like Guiliana Rancic. BECAUSE NO ONE MESSES WITH ZENDAYA.



Evening wear, let's judge these dresses
Florida- wearing a white wedding dress pretty much
Colorado- pretty red dress
Iowa- ugly blue dress I'm sorry
Mississippi- white jeweled dress
Texas- a blush dress with this tail/cape thing
Tennessee- red peplum dress THIS IS NOT 2013 SOMEONE HELP HER SOMEONE SAVE HER
South Carolina- a cheaper version of that Beyonce dress, omg she just said something about Bey too


Alabama- light pink dress, pretty ugly
Nebraska- ugly dress and it's teal
Louisiana- red dress with slit "I think sexy is empowering."
Georgia- a crop top dress that is white and ugly
Oklahoma- a pretty dress, she's going to win

Talent is the "most popular," Brooke Burke said. Talent is the "most painful," PMS said.
It's just, like, pageants are these women's talent, so why do we make them do anything else.
Florida- dancing. She's actually not that bad and I can say that because I danced in high school, so I'm an expert.
Oklahoma- singing "Happy Days Are Here Again." I'm three seconds in and already in pain, so I'll be on Facebook for the time being. See y'all soon.
Louisiana- singing "Climb Every Mountain." I have no comment.
Tennessee- playing some Latin song on the piano. But there's other music playing, so I can't really hear the piano, so now I think she's faking it. 100% sure she just banged on keys while the real stuff played.
Texas- singing "Son of a Preacher Man." Camera cuts to Taya Kyle and she is proud. Brett Eldrege is so bored, it's humorous. Fun fact from Miss Texas: She wants to be EIC at Vogue. Somewhere Anna Wintour is like:



Alabama- a contemporary dance from the Matrix and I cannot. Someone stop her. Someone cut off the music. She just fell out of her turn. She's on the floor. And spazzing. Why. Who.
Colorado- performing an original monologue. So public speaking. So being a beauty pageant queen. She's wearing scrubs and has a stethoscope. She's talking about some man named Joe with Alzheimer's. THIS IS NOT A TALENT. THROW IN A JOKE ABOUT ALZHEIMERS. SOMEONE TELL HER TO TRY STAND-UP COMEDY. I'M MAD.
South Carolina- singing "I Believe." Her mic is so low and I cannot hear one word she is saying. It's not great and I write music reviews occasionally, so I can say that. Side note: I just flexed in some weird way and my hips/lower back/something popped, so that's my Miss America talent.
Mississippi- playing violin. I already don't want to. I wouldn't know good violin playing from bad, but I'm pretty sure this is bad because it keeps squeaking.
Georgia- singing. Opera. It's as boring as you would guess. I'm 100% certain she just screamed out vowels and called it singing.

Talent is over. Commercial break. Thoughts:

IF TAYA KYLE DOESN'T ASK MISS TEXAS IN THE INTERVIEW ROUND WHAT SHE DOES TO CELEBRATE CHRIS KYLE DAY, I WILL SET MYSELF ON FIRE. 

Interview portion, more women get cut.
Colorado- O'Leary asks her about a woman being on the $10 bill. Which woman? SHE SAYS ELLEN DEGENERES. I'M NOT JOKING OMG SHE DID NOT SHE DID NOT.
South Carolina- Amy Purdy asks if she supports a ban on guns. She answers no, people should be educated.
Tennessee- Vanessa Williams asks about Planned Parenthood funding. She answers that funding shouldn't be cut off because of women's health or something.
Alabama- Tara Kylie asks. THAT'S WHAT BROOKE BURKE CALLED HER. I CANNOT. CHRIS KYLE IS LOOKING DOWN ON YOU RIGHT NOW MAD, BROOKE BURKE. She asks why is Donald Trump leading. She answers that the Republican party should be terrified. Taya is smiling.
Georgia- Brett Eldredge asks about Tom Brady and his balls. She asks for the question to be repeated.   "Did he cheat?" -Brett. "I would have to be there to feel the ball." -actual statement she said.
Mississippi- Zendaya is asking and I'm scared. Oh, god, she's asking about Kim Davis. Asking about if it violates the law and she answers that yes it did.
Louisiana- Danica/Winnie asking about #BlackLivesMatter. Should it be all lives matter? She answers something about labels and stopping police brutality with body cameras, so.

me rn because taya kyle didn't get to ask miss texas anything.
Seven women left and eight minutes until 10 p.m. how long does this atrocity last.

Miss America 2015 is walking down the aisle with See You Again playing, which is about Paul Walker dying, so RIP Miss America 2015, I guess. Your life is over at this year of your life.

Now the final seven are back in their evening gown attire and they are all wearing white and red, so there is some conspiracy theory going on. If you go for Miss America 2017, WEAR WHITE OR RED IN EVENING GOWN THIS IS A LIFE PMS HACK.

Ernst and Young counted the votes and I wish I could put that on my resume.

Fourth runner-up- Miss Alabama
Third runner-up- Miss Louisiana
Second runner-up- Miss Colorado
First runner-up- Miss Mississippi. She will step in if Miss America screws up, aka poses nude.
Now there are still three girls left on stage but only one is Miss America, this is a weird way to do it.

MISS AMERICA IS MISS GEORGIA. SHE'S A SOUTHERN GIRL BECAUSE NO NORTHERNER HAS EVER WON A BEAUTY PAGEANT AND THAT IS A FACT.

She is crying. They are bobby-pinning in her crown. She has an ugly cry face.

Miss America 2016 is literally a white woman named Betty so don't tell me we haven't come a long way, America.

Bye.

3 comments:

  1. Didn't miss NY win last year from the north? Nailed it!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Miss Idaho's line was way underrated. Watch the entire show again and tell me I'm wrong.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Miss Idaho's line was way underrated. Watch the entire show again and tell me I'm wrong.

    ReplyDelete